Its been hard to try and shake all of this. To try and put perspective on it, and get back to what I guess you would call a normal life. It will never be normal again, lets face it. But, was it ever normal to begin with? The adventures Ive had and the people I've met.....I'll still have adventures, and I will still meet people. I had to shut down for a while. Had to look at the bubble I live in and rearrange everything in it. Review, repackage, re-prioritise everything. I know I had to say good bye, but I also have to watch this closely, I have to be that much more involved now. I have to be that much more focused now.
Its been just over two weeks now, and even now nothing feels the way it did. But it is changing. It is taking form. What needs to be done, what needs to be watched, the list of cans and can'ts, its all falling in to place. The tests all done, and man that was almost as tough as the news. I hate seeing the little guy cry for mamma and she cant come because she is crying herself. Hes taken a liking to throwing stuff at me. Little shit. But its ok, I understand if he hates me right now. Ive had to take him into every child's nightmare room on more than one occasion over the last two weeks. Maybe one day he will see that it wasnt any fun for me either, and I was just doing what was best for him. I'm sure as they get older, they see these things?
Ive been dying to write almost every day this week. But time just isnt on my side. And sometimes, in hindsight, its better that I didnt. Maybe its a quality vs quantity thing. But this is also the place that I get to vent and rant and try understand a little, without social norms confining me.
Monday, 17 December 2018
Tuesday, 11 December 2018
Time
So for the first time in 4 days I'm alone. Really, truly, alone. On my own. I'm drained. Not only by others but by whats going on in my own head. I think I need this space. To try and just, understand, come to terms with the last few days. Ive sat here now for almost 30 minutes, in just silence. Nothing on, small dogs here in the house so that they dont bark. just, the sounds of life I have no control over, but those are fine. Distant, un-disturbing.
Sometimes it feels ok, like there is light, there is a way, and sometimes not. I know there is no actual choice in this situation, it is what it is. But it breaks me when I lose those moments of light and hope. When I think to what exactly lies ahead for this little guy, and the struggles he is going to have to go through. The decisions he is going to have to make and how strong he is going to have to be. So young, and all these things lie ahead of him. Perhaps that is why I need days like today, to just sit in silence. I need to be stronger, I need to be there for him, and right now, I dont actually know what I'm doing. I need to find guidance, a direction, a path for myself, and him.
I cant stop seeing him, with his smile, playing in the pool or with his cars, and feeling such a....just a deep sadness for him. The times I've choked up and had to go outside so he, or my wife wouldnt see me cry. It just hurts, so much. But it passes. It slowly melts away and I realize again, this is where we are. There is no arguing with God, or life, or the universe. There is no anger at what happened. It simply is, what it is. And I see how I have to deal with all my own emotions before I can look at his. And I know how that sounds, but it makes sense to me.
I have to move past this moment of grief. But I cant just ignore it. I have to think about it, I have to face it, I have to have my moments of utter crushing tears. Holding on to them serves no purpose in my life or his. I just have to ride it out. Bite down when I feel those tears and let them out when they can just roll freely. I just have to give it time.
Sometimes it feels ok, like there is light, there is a way, and sometimes not. I know there is no actual choice in this situation, it is what it is. But it breaks me when I lose those moments of light and hope. When I think to what exactly lies ahead for this little guy, and the struggles he is going to have to go through. The decisions he is going to have to make and how strong he is going to have to be. So young, and all these things lie ahead of him. Perhaps that is why I need days like today, to just sit in silence. I need to be stronger, I need to be there for him, and right now, I dont actually know what I'm doing. I need to find guidance, a direction, a path for myself, and him.
I cant stop seeing him, with his smile, playing in the pool or with his cars, and feeling such a....just a deep sadness for him. The times I've choked up and had to go outside so he, or my wife wouldnt see me cry. It just hurts, so much. But it passes. It slowly melts away and I realize again, this is where we are. There is no arguing with God, or life, or the universe. There is no anger at what happened. It simply is, what it is. And I see how I have to deal with all my own emotions before I can look at his. And I know how that sounds, but it makes sense to me.
I have to move past this moment of grief. But I cant just ignore it. I have to think about it, I have to face it, I have to have my moments of utter crushing tears. Holding on to them serves no purpose in my life or his. I just have to ride it out. Bite down when I feel those tears and let them out when they can just roll freely. I just have to give it time.
Friday, 7 December 2018
Red Letter Day
And so it all comes down. Been working on my 'positive thinking', my outlook on life, and then today comes along and just outright kicks me in the balls.A hard day, on so many fronts. Both seen and unseen. Just.....a Fucking Hard Day.
But I'm still working on my positive thinking. It will all be ok, it will all work out. Already had my first 2 fights, and hey wow, bring it on, my claws are out now. Its not about the fighting, its about so much more than that, but all of that, every little bit of it, is worth the fight. Its sad that there's even fighting involved, its not meant to be this way. But it is what it is. The details, and intricacies of the whole story, that's for another day. But I know why I'm fighting now, I know why I'm angry.
Flip side B. I know why I'm sad.
Tuesday, 27 November 2018
It doesnt really matter really.
Talks, and more talks. words and more more, just noise. Blah blah blah blah blah......blah blah. Im shouting in to a storm and the but the storm I'm in is just people. All with words, opinions and views. All desperately clinging on to their own rock of faith. And let you DARE cross those boundaries. Let you dare object, or ask a question, and the true inner personality comes out.
I'm tired of not being heard. It feels like saying stuff is exactly that, just stuff. No one listens, and the things I want to do, its just stuff. I feel like I'm just circling the drain. Around and around, same concerns, same arguments, same words, same people, same points of view. Bu the end of the drain, thats the final stop. Theres no adventure in the drain pipe, you just circle around it till the end. It all feels the same, it all feels like that drain pipe is getting closer. And Im not much bothered about it. We all put ourselves first, none of us really think of others. Isnt that what life ultimately is all about? Putting my child, that little awesome boy before me? The rest? Irrelevant. Even me.
I guess Ill go on tomorrow, always have. And I wont point fingers, or say anything, or argue. just get thorugh the day. And tomorrow night, I'll sit here again. Maybe in the dark, maybe in front of a switched off TV, maybe submerged in a game based on violence. Who knows, and honestly. Who cares.
I'm tired of not being heard. It feels like saying stuff is exactly that, just stuff. No one listens, and the things I want to do, its just stuff. I feel like I'm just circling the drain. Around and around, same concerns, same arguments, same words, same people, same points of view. Bu the end of the drain, thats the final stop. Theres no adventure in the drain pipe, you just circle around it till the end. It all feels the same, it all feels like that drain pipe is getting closer. And Im not much bothered about it. We all put ourselves first, none of us really think of others. Isnt that what life ultimately is all about? Putting my child, that little awesome boy before me? The rest? Irrelevant. Even me.
I guess Ill go on tomorrow, always have. And I wont point fingers, or say anything, or argue. just get thorugh the day. And tomorrow night, I'll sit here again. Maybe in the dark, maybe in front of a switched off TV, maybe submerged in a game based on violence. Who knows, and honestly. Who cares.
Sunday, 4 November 2018
Warning bells
Dam. Its starting again. Its been starting for a few weeks, and I was merrily ignoring it.Hoping it was just a phase just a moment in time. Things are starting to feel the same again. Im starting to see and fee the same feelings. I'm pulling away, building walls, isolating myself. I think of people and I go numb. I look at people, and get angry.I listen to people, and get sad.
Its harder to paint on that happy face, and even harder to care about what people are complaining about.But the situation is very different this time.
Saturday, 3 November 2018
My proof, my truth
More and more people are turning to pills to deal with life, with depression, anxiety and stress. Those who don't, are they ones who aren't reaching out for help. In a way, its their 'own fault'.
But what if they are the ones who don't want to whitewash their brains into a fake sense of security, a chemically induced happy place that ultimately, just numbs them to the actual reality of this world. If the world is actually such a good place, why are there so many people on all these drugs? And yet, speak to anyone, reach out for help, and there's a pill for every unanswered question. And narrow that all down, a pill to help you not care, not see, not feel. Put you in a box with walls that keep you safe from a very real world out there.
And that's my proof. My truth? My truth is that there is something wrong with the world. Its not just me. It can't be just me, if there are so many people riding the pill train. And the only help offered is an open hand offering me a ticket onto that train. And if I don't get on that train, then its me who doesn't want help. My truth, is that I don't want that help. That isn't help, its a placebo, a wall to make me as numb as you. The problem doesn't lie with me, who gets frustrated and angry at a world that's so self absorbed. The problem is your open hand, with that little white lie of a pill. The problem is you, the people that will take a pill before actually standing up and saying 'I call bullshit' on all of this.
Its been a very long week, and now more than ever I feel right about above written things. The world is a total fuck up, but yes, it is my problem. It is yours too. But what are we doing about it? Hand over a pill pls.
Saturday, 13 October 2018
A busy time
And a busy time it has been. Perhaps its just age, but it feels like everything is rushed. Everything has a very definite, very measurable, expiration date. Everything, must happen now. All demands must be met, every mssg answered, every issue resolved. And I find myself wondering, why?
Where and how did I end up in this loop? What loop is this, and do I even care about it. Its all so rushed that I feel I've forgotten how to just slow down. Just stop and look around me. Even things, not written here, feel like they are rushed, and not the same. A passing hi and and an even more fleeting goodnight.
I get caught up in the moment that's called life. A whole life, but still just a moment in a much bigger way. I don't write, I don't think, I just act, and carry on. And not always in the best manner possible. I live to survive, and vice versa. Quite the contradiction, I know. And yet that's how it is. It's life. Its human, and I'm starting to accept or understand that. Its what we all do, just to try and make sure the next day makes sense. Even though the next day is just as confusing as this one was.
There's a thousand different examples. From just the last few weeks alone. But do they really matter? I feel not, life goes on, no matter what you're opinion is. I mean, opinion is just that, opinion. It doesn't matter how you actually feel, as long as it all just plods along, goes according to some plan, somewhere. As long as it all just fits in and works. I'm just so tired of the plan.
Hell I don't even know what that plan is. Or who's it is. I just feel caught up in everyone else's stuff, and not enough in my own. And its my fault. It actually is, and I hate admitting it. I hate admitting that there's something I over looked. Something I missed. But anyway, I guess it boils down to no one is responsible for my happiness except me.
So what would make me happy?
Where and how did I end up in this loop? What loop is this, and do I even care about it. Its all so rushed that I feel I've forgotten how to just slow down. Just stop and look around me. Even things, not written here, feel like they are rushed, and not the same. A passing hi and and an even more fleeting goodnight.
I get caught up in the moment that's called life. A whole life, but still just a moment in a much bigger way. I don't write, I don't think, I just act, and carry on. And not always in the best manner possible. I live to survive, and vice versa. Quite the contradiction, I know. And yet that's how it is. It's life. Its human, and I'm starting to accept or understand that. Its what we all do, just to try and make sure the next day makes sense. Even though the next day is just as confusing as this one was.
There's a thousand different examples. From just the last few weeks alone. But do they really matter? I feel not, life goes on, no matter what you're opinion is. I mean, opinion is just that, opinion. It doesn't matter how you actually feel, as long as it all just plods along, goes according to some plan, somewhere. As long as it all just fits in and works. I'm just so tired of the plan.
Hell I don't even know what that plan is. Or who's it is. I just feel caught up in everyone else's stuff, and not enough in my own. And its my fault. It actually is, and I hate admitting it. I hate admitting that there's something I over looked. Something I missed. But anyway, I guess it boils down to no one is responsible for my happiness except me.
So what would make me happy?
Friday, 21 September 2018
A whole new 40you
42 has not been kind so far. Actually, I've fucking hated it. If this is the prelude to year 42, then take it back I'm not interested.
A happy birthday in the car from wife, lucky I got that as she was driving with me that day otherwise it would of been a whatsapp. A strange declaration that "I dont cook" which caught me by my balls, cause Ive tasted her cooking and its not bad, but yet she has remained true to her word. Every soul at work somehow only knowing my number, and when I say I cant help cause I'm busy then its 'thats ok I'll wait'. People, everywhere, asserting their wills, having their expectations, wanting. And me saying yes. Theres some part of me, bred or being, but its always partly my responsibility. Always. And thats not other people, thats me. How can I help, how can I contribute, how can I make it better. Fucking fool.
So simple, fucking fool. To try make it easier all around, to try help. To try be there and listen and understand and feel. And then feel again because its always putting others first, always accepting part of that blame. Im not angry, thats the strange part. Well, for me at least. This always comes from a very dark place for me, but not tonight. Tonight is just insight. Its pulling away all the veils and bullshit, and just looking at it. Ive not been in a good space this month, but I carry on. We all have to just carry on I guess. But I'm so tired of it.
Tonight, one message. Yep, its probably me, being over sensitive, I mean its always me, there is no one else in the world who could possibly be wrong. "Quickie vir jou birthday?". That was the message, and it ignited such a very short fuse in me. Quickie.......for....your......birthday. No sex for almost a year. An incident, a conversation about sex, masturbation. The comment about how I'm not romantic enough. The total withdraw - and hence wait- for any intimate encounter........ and then tonight......quickie for your birthday. Yes pls, do me a favor pls. Give an old dog a "bone" here. I mean, its the day after my birthday, that dirty old bastard probably needs it, and hey, I'll just lie here and wait for him to do his thing. A quickie.....for your....birthday. Happiest Birthday message I've ever gotten. Not.
I'm done with caring. I'm just done with feeling anything right now. Numb. Ive used that word so many times, and yet, life shows you the depths of what you sometimes just say. I really, truly, just don't care right now.
Oh but wait, thats my fault as well.
A happy birthday in the car from wife, lucky I got that as she was driving with me that day otherwise it would of been a whatsapp. A strange declaration that "I dont cook" which caught me by my balls, cause Ive tasted her cooking and its not bad, but yet she has remained true to her word. Every soul at work somehow only knowing my number, and when I say I cant help cause I'm busy then its 'thats ok I'll wait'. People, everywhere, asserting their wills, having their expectations, wanting. And me saying yes. Theres some part of me, bred or being, but its always partly my responsibility. Always. And thats not other people, thats me. How can I help, how can I contribute, how can I make it better. Fucking fool.
So simple, fucking fool. To try make it easier all around, to try help. To try be there and listen and understand and feel. And then feel again because its always putting others first, always accepting part of that blame. Im not angry, thats the strange part. Well, for me at least. This always comes from a very dark place for me, but not tonight. Tonight is just insight. Its pulling away all the veils and bullshit, and just looking at it. Ive not been in a good space this month, but I carry on. We all have to just carry on I guess. But I'm so tired of it.
Tonight, one message. Yep, its probably me, being over sensitive, I mean its always me, there is no one else in the world who could possibly be wrong. "Quickie vir jou birthday?". That was the message, and it ignited such a very short fuse in me. Quickie.......for....your......birthday. No sex for almost a year. An incident, a conversation about sex, masturbation. The comment about how I'm not romantic enough. The total withdraw - and hence wait- for any intimate encounter........ and then tonight......quickie for your birthday. Yes pls, do me a favor pls. Give an old dog a "bone" here. I mean, its the day after my birthday, that dirty old bastard probably needs it, and hey, I'll just lie here and wait for him to do his thing. A quickie.....for your....birthday. Happiest Birthday message I've ever gotten. Not.
I'm done with caring. I'm just done with feeling anything right now. Numb. Ive used that word so many times, and yet, life shows you the depths of what you sometimes just say. I really, truly, just don't care right now.
Oh but wait, thats my fault as well.
Thursday, 30 August 2018
Just how things are today
Im in a meeting. And what am I doing? This. Writing. Why? Cause its actually a good time to catch up on here as this meeting is 110% irrelevant to me. I dont even know why I'm here. I'm here, as I was told to come here, and of late, I'm doing my best to be that "Yes" guy that management wants. So far, I've been rewarded with this little stint. But hey, bosses are happy, off my back for the most part so yes, let me write.
So much of blah blah here. Its probably me, but watching the people in this room, you can see the power struggles, You can see the alliances and basically, the little island that this is, the daily real life episode of survivor. Pity no one ever gets voted out the boardroom, that would be fun.
I came up with the idea of a poem this morning. I have those pretty often but always forget the idea, so let me put it down now while i still remember.
Life view using contradictions and opposite words.
This pastel oil painting on a tar road canvas
The swirl of all colours, black and white
Timeless time, with an overdue expiration date
This is what Ive learned.
So much of blah blah here. Its probably me, but watching the people in this room, you can see the power struggles, You can see the alliances and basically, the little island that this is, the daily real life episode of survivor. Pity no one ever gets voted out the boardroom, that would be fun.
I came up with the idea of a poem this morning. I have those pretty often but always forget the idea, so let me put it down now while i still remember.
Life view using contradictions and opposite words.
This pastel oil painting on a tar road canvas
The swirl of all colours, black and white
Timeless time, with an overdue expiration date
This is what Ive learned.
Wednesday, 11 July 2018
A rare moment of calm
No, I'm not as angry as I was in my last post, havent been that cross in a while I guess, but at the end of the day its all resolved and over. I have a calmness over me tonight, its a nice feeling. Its a rare feeling. Its a sort of being at ease, but not with the world, but with myself. I know i did what I could this week, I know I tried, and where ever the chips may fall its ok.
Tuesday, 26 June 2018
Fine lines and roll reversals
Everything, everywhere, has a boundary. No matter what anyone says, or claims, its there. I'm reaching a lot of those over the last few days/weeks. I'm just so tired. And now, I'm finally ready to play that game that others want to bandy about.
So ok, bring it. I know you have the upper hand. I did what needed to be done (again) to make sure everything is ok for a while, so its easy for you to say 'game on'. But you dont realize, this isnt a one day game, do you? That's fine. I know we doing this while you're on vacation as well. That's fine too. I never thought I would reach the point that this all, would reach this point. But again, that's fine. I really dont want to fight, or argue, but if this is the game YOU chose to play, well guess its only polite of me to play it.
I think my upper hand, is actually knowing what you go through everyday. I understand how much effort it takes to look after the little man. And through that I try to support you. So yes, I may not be as involved with the hands on of him, but you dont have to worry about a lot of the things that actually havent changed in life, that all still carry on around him.
Its ok. I know I got fresh stuff for him today and prepared it, along with supper and shopping and his normal routine of everything else. I know I sorted out other things today which will last a good few days. So I also know, you'll win the next few days......But.......I'm willing to live with that. I am an asshole. I get it. I own it, its mine and who I am. So enjoy the next few days, laud it over me. The one thing I am sure of, is that it will only last a few days, and then, well then the real game begins. Im more than happy to run around after this little man, so yes sure Ill do it. Its only in the next few days, when what I did today starts running out, that fine lines will become real lines.
Maybe its my disclaimer. Ok yes it is. Shit, maybe its not even a disclaimer. The lunch I bought for tomorrow, well, maybe I need lunch as well. The food I cooked for tonight, well fuck that shit. It can stay out after all. I actually, dont give a shit. I do when it comes to his stuff however. The rest? Fuck It.
FUCK
IT
So ok, bring it. I know you have the upper hand. I did what needed to be done (again) to make sure everything is ok for a while, so its easy for you to say 'game on'. But you dont realize, this isnt a one day game, do you? That's fine. I know we doing this while you're on vacation as well. That's fine too. I never thought I would reach the point that this all, would reach this point. But again, that's fine. I really dont want to fight, or argue, but if this is the game YOU chose to play, well guess its only polite of me to play it.
I think my upper hand, is actually knowing what you go through everyday. I understand how much effort it takes to look after the little man. And through that I try to support you. So yes, I may not be as involved with the hands on of him, but you dont have to worry about a lot of the things that actually havent changed in life, that all still carry on around him.
Its ok. I know I got fresh stuff for him today and prepared it, along with supper and shopping and his normal routine of everything else. I know I sorted out other things today which will last a good few days. So I also know, you'll win the next few days......But.......I'm willing to live with that. I am an asshole. I get it. I own it, its mine and who I am. So enjoy the next few days, laud it over me. The one thing I am sure of, is that it will only last a few days, and then, well then the real game begins. Im more than happy to run around after this little man, so yes sure Ill do it. Its only in the next few days, when what I did today starts running out, that fine lines will become real lines.
Maybe its my disclaimer. Ok yes it is. Shit, maybe its not even a disclaimer. The lunch I bought for tomorrow, well, maybe I need lunch as well. The food I cooked for tonight, well fuck that shit. It can stay out after all. I actually, dont give a shit. I do when it comes to his stuff however. The rest? Fuck It.
FUCK
IT
Sunday, 27 May 2018
27th of fucking today.
Thinking.
Just thinking.
All these thoughts, all these....feelings that have to add up. Like an auditors journal. There must be an equals sign. For all of it. And I pull against those chains, I rage against those fabricated walls. I tear and scratch and cry. And ultimately, only for me. To understand. To make some sort of sense of it all.
After all these years, and the ppl I've seen....the pills I gave up, theres still a lot of anger. A lot, is an under statement. I could never believe in those pills. Numbing, opening up a mind to a whitewash of 'its all going to be ok............just carry on taking the pills and listen to my voice'. Bullshit.
Ive said a thousand times, and not the last time I will ever say it: Theres a rage inside of me. Its bigger than anything in my life. I did learn to control it, I did defeat it. But I didnt get rid of it. It's still there. I was the fool to believe it was ever really gone. Just dormant, just waiting, that was its game.
I'm just tired. And I'm tired of being tired. Not physically tired - although that I am -, emotionally tired. Im tired of trying to explain. Im tired of not being understood. Im tired of what I see, being labelled as the miscreant thought, the bad things that people dont want to see. Im tired of just trying, as hard as I can, for as much as Im worth, and being told 'No sorry that doesnt fit in. YOU dont understand'. I understand well enough, and more so it every day it gets engraved a bit more in to me. I do understand, but I shouldnt.
I should rather bend a knee......bend down........let it wash over me. Other peoples truths, other peoples lives and beliefs just, take me away from here. Let it all wash over me and be happy to say "yes" no matter what the cost. And as much as I want that peace, there is no way that can happen. there is no way that small fire inside me will ever go out. Will ever just die or vanish. I curse the days when I was taught about what was right or wrong. These days it would of been better to know when to let go or when to push the line and take a chance. Right or wrong doesnt exist, only what matters to you.
Just thinking.
All these thoughts, all these....feelings that have to add up. Like an auditors journal. There must be an equals sign. For all of it. And I pull against those chains, I rage against those fabricated walls. I tear and scratch and cry. And ultimately, only for me. To understand. To make some sort of sense of it all.
After all these years, and the ppl I've seen....the pills I gave up, theres still a lot of anger. A lot, is an under statement. I could never believe in those pills. Numbing, opening up a mind to a whitewash of 'its all going to be ok............just carry on taking the pills and listen to my voice'. Bullshit.
Ive said a thousand times, and not the last time I will ever say it: Theres a rage inside of me. Its bigger than anything in my life. I did learn to control it, I did defeat it. But I didnt get rid of it. It's still there. I was the fool to believe it was ever really gone. Just dormant, just waiting, that was its game.
I'm just tired. And I'm tired of being tired. Not physically tired - although that I am -, emotionally tired. Im tired of trying to explain. Im tired of not being understood. Im tired of what I see, being labelled as the miscreant thought, the bad things that people dont want to see. Im tired of just trying, as hard as I can, for as much as Im worth, and being told 'No sorry that doesnt fit in. YOU dont understand'. I understand well enough, and more so it every day it gets engraved a bit more in to me. I do understand, but I shouldnt.
I should rather bend a knee......bend down........let it wash over me. Other peoples truths, other peoples lives and beliefs just, take me away from here. Let it all wash over me and be happy to say "yes" no matter what the cost. And as much as I want that peace, there is no way that can happen. there is no way that small fire inside me will ever go out. Will ever just die or vanish. I curse the days when I was taught about what was right or wrong. These days it would of been better to know when to let go or when to push the line and take a chance. Right or wrong doesnt exist, only what matters to you.
Monday, 19 March 2018
D-Day
A week and a half with that dam abscess under that dam tooth, and finally.....tomorrow. Antibiotic's, pain med's....fuck it all. Just take the fucking tooth out. Never thought I would look forward to a tooth extraction, but here I am. The taste in my mouth, the antibiotic's, tomorrow it ends, well kinda. Sure there will be post med's. But I can live with that as long as I know there's a bloody end in sight!
3 roots to be extracted, with out puncturing a sinus cavity, one (Now) half vrot wisdom taken from the root, connected to a nerve vein. And somehow.....bring it on!!! That shit cant be worse than the last two weeks. So here's to tomorrow, come and get me bitch.
3 roots to be extracted, with out puncturing a sinus cavity, one (Now) half vrot wisdom taken from the root, connected to a nerve vein. And somehow.....bring it on!!! That shit cant be worse than the last two weeks. So here's to tomorrow, come and get me bitch.
Sunday, 11 March 2018
Drunk as usual
Drank too much tonight, prob going to drink some more. But it doesnt really matter right? I mean, whos looking, whos taking notes, right? I drink because I find dead sleep there. Its the sleep, that i just fall in to. there are no dreams (that I remember) and it isnt a fight. It just comes, it just takes me away.
Im half between not giving a fuck, and giving all of them. That little man of ours.....hes tippped the balance. Its easy to see now, again hindsight always has 20/20 vision, but Man im tired of just caring. And then there he comes along. Little smile, little hands, little mind. All of that just so curious, so asking. Eveything about him keeping me busy on every level, and I love it.
Its a transition, apparently these happen. But this isnt for me anymore, its all for him. I have to think about him, and that is what feels comfortable, what feels right. Just like, everything for him.
Apparently thats normal.
Im half between not giving a fuck, and giving all of them. That little man of ours.....hes tippped the balance. Its easy to see now, again hindsight always has 20/20 vision, but Man im tired of just caring. And then there he comes along. Little smile, little hands, little mind. All of that just so curious, so asking. Eveything about him keeping me busy on every level, and I love it.
Its a transition, apparently these happen. But this isnt for me anymore, its all for him. I have to think about him, and that is what feels comfortable, what feels right. Just like, everything for him.
Apparently thats normal.
Tuesday, 27 February 2018
Me and fire, and why we shouldnt be friends
Goddamit....me and fire. Match made in hell, excuse the pun. Ive had adventures with fire before, sure. But Ive never turned my braai place in to a lava moat. Until today.
Man, it was meant to be a surprise, have a nice braai cooked meal for when wife gets home. SO i mission and do the shopping, get it all ready, and forget one, small thing. The smallest, yet most time saving thing: firelighters. No firelighters, means manual fire with small sticks and paper and nonsense that my time schedule wont be able to handle. But im a man of invention, a man of ideas! ....pity they sometimes shit ideas.
I saw a while back somewhere, prob on the internet or somewhere about starting a fire using candles. IE, wax. So apparently you can use wax to start a fire, pretty dam neat if you ask me, cause i dont have firelighters but i have spans of candles! Ok stop though, add to this, self lighting charcoal briquettes I bought 3 days ago because there were no firelighters when I went to the shops a few days ago. Just....keep that one in mind. I try to light the stupid stuff, it burns for a minute then it goes out, hence the need for some more power to that mix.
And out comes 6 full candles. Proud of my plan, I break that shit up in half, so 12 half sticks of candles, and self lighting charcoal. This shits gotta work!!! Light a dumb briquette, light a candle......place this mess nicely on top of one another so the flame from the briquette burns the candle, and the candle flame/hot wax burns and gets the briquette going....see the logic here? Makes pure sense......except that it turns out this lot, is nothing more than a time consuming way of melting fucking wax, and keeping it warm.
20 minutes.....20 minutes I feed this system.....wax, briquette......wax, briquette........feeling ever more hopeful that at some point I will reach the point of combustion, and have myself a decent fire going. Nada. Nothing. Bit of smoke, a pool of hot wax in the bottom of my braai, a little flame here and there, just to say 'fuck you Donald kak idea'......and thats where I reach.....the stripping. The stripping of my moer. FTS, i lock up the dog, grab the car keys, reverse like a maniac out my drive way cause this shit just aint going to work. I admit defeat, and go but firelighters, I mean im running out of time here man! Luckily the shop is close by, so it took me maybe 10 or 12 mins, return trip to get my goods, park in a narrow garage faster than I should and be back at my braai, firelighters and lighter in hand.
In my absence, one of the self lighting charcoals had managed to actually set alight, and keep a generous amount of wax under it, pretty liquid. Was very pretty, it being red wax, but still nothing was happening. I shove the grid aside, and place four very healthy, very fruitful blocks of firelighter, in to said mass of wet wax. Fuck you wax....check this shit......and I light the first piece.
Now I dont know the actual burning point of wax. Like, at what scientific point of degrees celsius it actually becomes self sufficient to burn like the motherfucker that it does, but evidently that firelighter did know, and didnt give a rats ass. It didnt care, it did exactly what it does at just the right measurement of science, and 'you just made a mess'. That shit got real. But like, real life REAL. the first block almost exploded, I mean are you meant to hear firelighters light with a gasp? Roughly 10 seconds later, the pool of hot wax is bubbling, which is pretty cool cause ive never seen wax bubble!....Wait....is it meant to bubble?
man that first spark of flame to wax was almost beautiful. Would of been more so if i had actually seen it because by this time 2, 3 and 4 firelighter buddies are all alight and theres just bubbling wax around them all. And its at this moment I realize....ek het kak aan gejaag..... that shit turns to water. The incline of my braai, although slight, is enough to make it run straight in to the second compartment of my braai place, yay another 2cm deep lake of deep red puddle!!!
Man, I must be a genius or something, not know my own inner strength or something. Maybe it was bravery, or out right foolishness.....but the next 4 pieces of fire lighter went straight in to that mess. And hey wow, I didnt even have to light it. It was seconds before the 1st, then 2nd, 3rd 4th one of those also just, found life in bottom of that steel barrel and I realized, again and somehow anew.....this was maybe a bad idea.
it was fucking spectacular. firelighters, molten wax, and self lighting charcoal, all doing exactly what it is meant to do...burn the shit out of everything. Like that whole area became a spawn area from hell itself with the intensity of that heat. I have never in my life seen flames reach that high, that fast, and that close to the rafters of what are my small but cozy braai area. I have never gone through a bag and a half of charcoal in 10 minutes (im not sure what i was aiming at here with putting charcoal on that volcano maybe it was panic) and i dam well hope I never go through that again!
I guess the lesson learned here, is that even though you dont always see the flamable nature of things, maybe you should listen. Maybe that shits going to just get up in ure face when you least expect it. And never, ever underestimate candles.
Man, it was meant to be a surprise, have a nice braai cooked meal for when wife gets home. SO i mission and do the shopping, get it all ready, and forget one, small thing. The smallest, yet most time saving thing: firelighters. No firelighters, means manual fire with small sticks and paper and nonsense that my time schedule wont be able to handle. But im a man of invention, a man of ideas! ....pity they sometimes shit ideas.
I saw a while back somewhere, prob on the internet or somewhere about starting a fire using candles. IE, wax. So apparently you can use wax to start a fire, pretty dam neat if you ask me, cause i dont have firelighters but i have spans of candles! Ok stop though, add to this, self lighting charcoal briquettes I bought 3 days ago because there were no firelighters when I went to the shops a few days ago. Just....keep that one in mind. I try to light the stupid stuff, it burns for a minute then it goes out, hence the need for some more power to that mix.
And out comes 6 full candles. Proud of my plan, I break that shit up in half, so 12 half sticks of candles, and self lighting charcoal. This shits gotta work!!! Light a dumb briquette, light a candle......place this mess nicely on top of one another so the flame from the briquette burns the candle, and the candle flame/hot wax burns and gets the briquette going....see the logic here? Makes pure sense......except that it turns out this lot, is nothing more than a time consuming way of melting fucking wax, and keeping it warm.
20 minutes.....20 minutes I feed this system.....wax, briquette......wax, briquette........feeling ever more hopeful that at some point I will reach the point of combustion, and have myself a decent fire going. Nada. Nothing. Bit of smoke, a pool of hot wax in the bottom of my braai, a little flame here and there, just to say 'fuck you Donald kak idea'......and thats where I reach.....the stripping. The stripping of my moer. FTS, i lock up the dog, grab the car keys, reverse like a maniac out my drive way cause this shit just aint going to work. I admit defeat, and go but firelighters, I mean im running out of time here man! Luckily the shop is close by, so it took me maybe 10 or 12 mins, return trip to get my goods, park in a narrow garage faster than I should and be back at my braai, firelighters and lighter in hand.
In my absence, one of the self lighting charcoals had managed to actually set alight, and keep a generous amount of wax under it, pretty liquid. Was very pretty, it being red wax, but still nothing was happening. I shove the grid aside, and place four very healthy, very fruitful blocks of firelighter, in to said mass of wet wax. Fuck you wax....check this shit......and I light the first piece.
Now I dont know the actual burning point of wax. Like, at what scientific point of degrees celsius it actually becomes self sufficient to burn like the motherfucker that it does, but evidently that firelighter did know, and didnt give a rats ass. It didnt care, it did exactly what it does at just the right measurement of science, and 'you just made a mess'. That shit got real. But like, real life REAL. the first block almost exploded, I mean are you meant to hear firelighters light with a gasp? Roughly 10 seconds later, the pool of hot wax is bubbling, which is pretty cool cause ive never seen wax bubble!....Wait....is it meant to bubble?
man that first spark of flame to wax was almost beautiful. Would of been more so if i had actually seen it because by this time 2, 3 and 4 firelighter buddies are all alight and theres just bubbling wax around them all. And its at this moment I realize....ek het kak aan gejaag..... that shit turns to water. The incline of my braai, although slight, is enough to make it run straight in to the second compartment of my braai place, yay another 2cm deep lake of deep red puddle!!!
Man, I must be a genius or something, not know my own inner strength or something. Maybe it was bravery, or out right foolishness.....but the next 4 pieces of fire lighter went straight in to that mess. And hey wow, I didnt even have to light it. It was seconds before the 1st, then 2nd, 3rd 4th one of those also just, found life in bottom of that steel barrel and I realized, again and somehow anew.....this was maybe a bad idea.
it was fucking spectacular. firelighters, molten wax, and self lighting charcoal, all doing exactly what it is meant to do...burn the shit out of everything. Like that whole area became a spawn area from hell itself with the intensity of that heat. I have never in my life seen flames reach that high, that fast, and that close to the rafters of what are my small but cozy braai area. I have never gone through a bag and a half of charcoal in 10 minutes (im not sure what i was aiming at here with putting charcoal on that volcano maybe it was panic) and i dam well hope I never go through that again!
I guess the lesson learned here, is that even though you dont always see the flamable nature of things, maybe you should listen. Maybe that shits going to just get up in ure face when you least expect it. And never, ever underestimate candles.
Monday, 26 February 2018
The Dam
Been a while since i made it to the dam. Just feel I need it today. Space. My oen little bubble for a while. I know L and A arent home yet, so i dont feel bad taking the time. Theres only two ppl in the park from what i can see, but a few cars, all with ppl in them. Some cars only have one person, like mine, some have two. I wondered what those other lonely souls are doing here. Also just taking a time out? What adventures or dramas are unfolding in their lives. Anyway, here we all just sit, off the radar. I wonder when someone will be back from their NZ tour, and how it went. What an awesome adventure that mustve been. But I guess I wont know that definitely till a bit later. I really hope it was worth the planning and effort it took to plan out.
Thursday, 22 February 2018
Wednesday, 21 February 2018
Monday, 19 February 2018
Work, ethics and blues
Yep, it turns out I just dont get it. All of the above. You work for a company, and the only thing you hear is morals and ethics. The solid 'partnership', the undying camaraderie, the oneness, the family....but its all a load of bullshit. The things Ive sen, and experienced, come on guys, who do you think you are kidding here? And thats what gets me. A certain incident last week, involving a a work colleague, and being sworn at by a total asshole. Now the colleagues wife, works in HR, for the bank, and her advice? Leave it be, this individual has friends in high places, this wont end well. Ok, cant argue that, sound advice. What gets me is, does that make it right? Does that make it ok? That we actually still live in an archaic system? You cant say anything, or do anything because those that are in power, will squash you. Plain and simple. So....wheres the change that everyones been talking about then? I may as well be harvesting fucking pumpkins from a field for the kings ball. The only thing thats changed, is the title. Its no longer king, its director, and I used small letters on purpose for that. Jokes aside, thats what botehrs me. Theres still a whole culture of us and them. And im not even going in to race issues here, im talking strictly bussiness ethics and what they actually mean. And again, thats what they mean: nothing. Its all about the money, its all about the bottom line, its all about lying to your face about values that dont exsist. And at the end of the day (therapy calls) what does that say about me? Who does that make me and how do I feel? I reckon its safe to say, pretty pissed off covers all of that. Who does it make me? A person who is disillusioned by all this. Wary of all the games played in the name of good image. lets face it, tow the line or be cast aside and jobless, because you didnt uphold the 'image'. its so sad, and with such bitterness I have to admit that everything I was taught, was a lie. There is no virtue, there is no honor, there is no be a better person i guess. All of those things dont fit in with the corporate image. Its ok to treat ppl like shit, as long as you have friends in the right places to back you up. Those are the morals and values of now, of where I am.
Sunday, 18 February 2018
Sun 18/18
There are just those days hey. Those days when you get the break you want, and you enjoy the time alone, and you just remember. And you miss some of the people that were part of your life, and you dont miss more. Today is one of those days. Its so tempting to just pick up a phone and say hi, but you know you will end up doing more damage than good. That you will end up hurting more people, than healing, or making feel better. So you sit back, take a sip of wine, and try not to remember. But you do, because saying dont think about a white elephant makes you do exactly that.
And you remember the chats, and you remember how it all felt, and you remember....other things. And you look around and ask, are you happy? And while the answer is yes, you dont understand why, or how come you miss people that much. How does it work? Or is it a lie that you're happy then? The answer, is entirely up to you at the end of the day.
And you remember the chats, and you remember how it all felt, and you remember....other things. And you look around and ask, are you happy? And while the answer is yes, you dont understand why, or how come you miss people that much. How does it work? Or is it a lie that you're happy then? The answer, is entirely up to you at the end of the day.
Sunday, 11 February 2018
A bed time prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
and if I die before I wake
Thank you.
Ok, that came out wrong. Its from a horror movie I remebered from when I was a kid. Want to find the movie again, and didn't want to forget that. Hahahaha!
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
and if I die before I wake
Thank you.
Ok, that came out wrong. Its from a horror movie I remebered from when I was a kid. Want to find the movie again, and didn't want to forget that. Hahahaha!
Saturday, 10 February 2018
Feb 18
Ive spent a whole lot of time wondering about writing. If it helps, if it serves a purpose. What to write and how to write it. And ultimately, I didnt write anything at all. I say it every time, theres just so much to say, and to feel, and I dont know how to put it in to words any more. Hell, I dont know if I ever really did. Maybe that was the lie, thinking when I wrote it made sense. And in the mean time it was nothing more than the brain farts of a middle aged man.
I feeling so tired of my life. I need to find something more to do. It would be a lie if I said i didnt sometimes envy friends and their lives. A few living good, prosperous lives and I am happy for them, one or two living a life that, well, makes me proud of where I am. Its like I'm stuck in the middle. I need to do something more, but I have no idea what.
I made some decisions in the recent past, that were life changing. hurtful to those around me, but life changing. I truly can be a selfish individual. It wasnt with the intention of harm I made those decisions, yet again other peoples feelings were hurt. I dont know what my curse is there that I do that, or what my karma is that Im meant to repay or see. Maybe its just human curiosity. I am dying to know how the trip went, and how its going, but where would that lead?
Im still frustrated at work. It seems ppl are coming back from their weeekends dumber and dumber every week. Where it used to be funny to have call of the day, its now a point of depression because it happens so frequently. You can only laugh at an idiot so many times before you have to go "wait a minute........and ppl in the world take you seriously?!'. My work life, is a low point in my life. I add no value what so ever other than to make idiots feel better about themselves.
And thats my rant. As for writing, I guess I don it because I enjoy it. I like sitting here every once in a while and just letting go, for lack of a better phrase. Just wish I had something more to say, something happy or funny, or inspirational. But I dont. I have my life. I have my worries and irritation factors, and those are the things that replay themselves to death in my mind.
I feeling so tired of my life. I need to find something more to do. It would be a lie if I said i didnt sometimes envy friends and their lives. A few living good, prosperous lives and I am happy for them, one or two living a life that, well, makes me proud of where I am. Its like I'm stuck in the middle. I need to do something more, but I have no idea what.
I made some decisions in the recent past, that were life changing. hurtful to those around me, but life changing. I truly can be a selfish individual. It wasnt with the intention of harm I made those decisions, yet again other peoples feelings were hurt. I dont know what my curse is there that I do that, or what my karma is that Im meant to repay or see. Maybe its just human curiosity. I am dying to know how the trip went, and how its going, but where would that lead?
Im still frustrated at work. It seems ppl are coming back from their weeekends dumber and dumber every week. Where it used to be funny to have call of the day, its now a point of depression because it happens so frequently. You can only laugh at an idiot so many times before you have to go "wait a minute........and ppl in the world take you seriously?!'. My work life, is a low point in my life. I add no value what so ever other than to make idiots feel better about themselves.
And thats my rant. As for writing, I guess I don it because I enjoy it. I like sitting here every once in a while and just letting go, for lack of a better phrase. Just wish I had something more to say, something happy or funny, or inspirational. But I dont. I have my life. I have my worries and irritation factors, and those are the things that replay themselves to death in my mind.
Monday, 8 January 2018
Just today
I think....Im losing my shit again. Crashing. Im looking so hard but only seeing shit. Im trying too see that brighter side, that future, but all I'm seeing is a marsh of dark. Im tired. My only means of letting anything out, gone. Im here, alone, solo. Its a kick to the balls when you feel so good and then feel so hollow. But maybe its that kick that needed to happen. Its hard to focus, its hard to try make up the things that were once felt, and are now gone.Its hard to realize this is life.
The bursting bubble leaves only splashes of something that once was. Little drops remembered, left behind. But the dream? Gone. Burst. It leaves me feeling so cold, so angry. I made my way for a while holding that hand. But like anything in life, that hand is gone. And here I am. Angry, despondent, confrontational.
Deep breath, this will pass. Its just today, its just tonight.
The bursting bubble leaves only splashes of something that once was. Little drops remembered, left behind. But the dream? Gone. Burst. It leaves me feeling so cold, so angry. I made my way for a while holding that hand. But like anything in life, that hand is gone. And here I am. Angry, despondent, confrontational.
Deep breath, this will pass. Its just today, its just tonight.
Tuesday, 2 January 2018
2018
Another new year. And no less buzz in my head. Where it all begins, and ends, ja I'm just to drained to write it all out. Where am I now? Im not sure. Definitely numb, cross, unexcited about the new year. Why did I write this? Because I can. And because i haven't written in a while. Just making sure this is still here. Its kak beide surrounded by people and not one you can talk to about certain things. So you're left to your own devices trying to figure shit out from with in the bubble you live. And I dont always trust those answers.
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