For you

You never knew, your true impact on me.

You thought you were a passing moment?

Something I gave away for free?

I dont open up easy

I hardly ever cry.

But out of nowhere there you were

And I how do I not try?

I've been so quiet for oh so long

you thought I walked away?

I had to be quiet and shut my mouth,

and let you find your way.

I know it been a long time now,

since i gazed into your eyes.

But traveles world and life and all

its no real surprise.

I know you have those walls up high

I dont blame you one single bit.

I have my walls secured,

its almost a like its a fit.

10 July 23

 It's not like I know whats going on. And that's not sarcasm. After everything, I still jump through hoops and try and help and just....never stop and stand back. And ultimately, that is going to bite me in the ass. Just a feeling.

16/7/23

 And you thought it would be different? Its so beyond broken. And it always ever, only turned out to be trust.

That lacking trust. The trust that just wasnt actually there to begin with.

My anger issue? My Issue? I always knew it was there. As long as I played my part all was good. Anything off of that track, that path and it was my fault. I had to say sorry, I had to rationalise it, deal with it, because I was the bad guy.

The cracks did start showing. I started being more me. Just a bit. And then the storm came. And it was a storm. And it lasted. 

But its been a while now. And just when there was a ray of light, the clouds came in, and thats ok. It tore at everything, dislodged things that I thought were firmly nailed down, and thats part of life. Ever changing, thats life. 

Go be you now, and God help me find the peace and serenity to just walk. To stop wondering, and worrying, and caring, all those human things. Help me to look forward, not behind, and when I do look forward, not to see the things I do.

4th July 23

 I havent written something,

In what feels it could be years.

Somewhere the words got lost in me

Got drowned in all the tears.

But as with all, one day it all dries up

and I sit and stare out blank.

From this newly found dry ground,

From this river bank.

So much hurt, and so much pain

we both have undergone.

But nows the time I try to rise

and forget where this is from.

I dont think that you will ever know

How much you meant to me.

I could write it, paint it, shout it,

But I dont think you would ever see.

My life had meaning, with just us three

A family to begin.

I wish we never had to fight

or think we had to win.

The winning was in you and me,

and the little man between.

And all that has unfolded 

was almost left unseen.

But be as it may, life goes on

and now I sit here cold.

I never know whats coming next, 

or what will be foretold.

In a shallow breath I just need you to know

how much you meant too me.

How much I loved and cherished you,

but I guess you need to be free.

And that being said I guess Im done

No words left to explain.

But always know that I love you

But I'll shut up and just refrain.