In the land of predators, the lion never fears the jackal.
The difference between a breeze that moves the leaves and a wind that moves the branches
Its not new this whole feeling
Im not the only one.
This inside scream Im hearing
I wish it all was done.
---
Im about as deep as a petri dish
But alot of cultures growing.
Its interesting to look inside
And see what people'r growing.
Its very simple really
when you look from up above
too see the cultures blooming
Yep. another month. Apparently my birthday one, and keeping a low profile on that shit.
Been building uo too this day, and let me just say it and get it out of the way. Im tired, just so tired. But today, 7th of September, it ends officially. And as i look back on this 12 year journey, well thats all I can do, look back.
Bit maybe this is where the difference comes in. Yep, I'm tired, bit its a different tired this time. Tired of being 'wrong', tired of other peoples wants and needs being fulfilled before mine. Tired of putting other people first, only to get a kick in the teeth as they pass me by. And thats all cool. I mean, if you make ure face a walk way for others, can you really be surprised when u lose a tooth or two? So yes, tired of being all those other things, so its time to be something else. Something, someone, I'm comfortable with. And fuck the rest. Not horribly, not like a big fuck you, just a... Hard NO to anything I dont like anymore. No more compromise, no more trying to be fair, or nice. Time to listen to Adam Roa. Time for me to treat me, like someone I loved. Done putting that attention in to others, and always feeling good for helping and being 'fair' while I nurse another bloody mouth. Perhaps today is a turning point. I'm not going to fooo myself by saying 'yes I'm done with smoking and drinking!', it's a different kind of turning point. And there will be consequences, there is for everything. Bit Ive accepted the consequences of my decisions for so long now, thats not a new concept to come to grips with for me.
Been swinging gently from day to day
Just trying to get through
Its ended and its over, but what did it mean to you?
12 long years, I thought were good
Now broken at my feet,
Nothing more now, than a mash of trampled sleet.
All the good has gone with it
Its hard to face each day
and even though I smile and nod
I wish I could go away.
I've watched Netflix, youtube. Scrolled through more FB than I care to remember, and slowly, just started scrolling. Hardly watching anything, or stopping to read posts, just aimless scrolling. Everything I see iritates me, or bores me. People invite me out, want to spend time with me, and when the moment comes, Im just not in the mood. I dont feel like people, or having them around me. I can handle the occasional visit from Ian fro coffee, but just dont feel up for any other interaction. SOmethng inside me is broken. That something needs healing and I dont know what to give it. Im drinking horrendous amounts of whiskey, and while I do care, and worry, I also dont. I dont give a rats ass. My breathing has def gotten worse this year, I find myself out of breath often now just sitting in my chair. And I say that with a smoke in my hand. I'm enjoying my plants. The one thng I do enjoy when I do finally get up and plant them. I need to come right, but I dont know where to turn. Ive been thinking of doing ICAS again, going to Judy. I know what needs to be done, well where to start I guess. But I just dont have the courage or motivation to do it.And I need help with that.
I dont know if writiing helps or not. I think it does, but Im not sure. If I look at what I write, which I actually dont because I wrote it and know, its not....happy. Its not 'ok'. Its morbs and self pity and Im getting the feeling that writing that, and then dwelling on it, is like planting a seed. Im not saying I shouldnt write, but maybe I just write about the good things I do see, the things I enjoy. And there are a few of those. Its like my focus is on the bad, the sad, the negative.Im also not saying ignore those feelings entirely, but just....dont look at them as much, for as long?
Its just dirty and obsolete.
