Its a sad state of affairs. You know what I want for Christmas? Some real alone time, that lasts forever. There was a conversation last night, the brother. More drama, more fights, more hurling insulting hurtful words. And no, never a winner. We both said things that cut deep, touched nerves and left us breathing heavy from hate.

Where do you draw the line? Family or not.....just a line. Where does one person, their opinions and influence on your life,  actually not matter anymore? Ask me, I think I may know.

A good day

Just candles burning. My candles. Power went out after having such a good day, but I don't mind. Here in the dark, they give me light,made me think of my day. Went to a Christmas dinner with the CEO and executives of the bank I work for.  Thats never happened in my life before,lets be honest here. Our team was thanked for everything we do, by the people we actually do it for. And it meant so much coming from the people we actually support, as opposed to a management tick box exercise. Thats why I liked the picture: the smaller candles supporting the larger one.  Monday will be no different from any of the other days of my life, but I will feel better about what I do in the world. About my contribution.

Saw something interesting today on the way home. I left a bit later than usual, to miss a bit of traffic and to finish off some stuff. Its been a bit of a rough month, things going wrong all over the place, and a lot of fighting both at home and at work. Just a tiring month. So driving home, mulling all the adventures and plans and things to do I stop at a traffic light. Ahead of me, in the next lane, some construction vehicle, with some guys sitting on the back laughing and chatting. And it struck me. They are so much poorer than me, yet, so much more free. I dont mean to use the word poor in a derogatory way. But judging from what they were wearing, they were clean, happy, and on their way home from a day of probably tough manual labor. They were smiling, where I was frowning.

I was also on my way home, but there was no smile or light in me, well not tonight. Only thoughts of things to do tomorrow, how to do them, obstacles that would be there and how I would negotiate them. I've forgotten where the real happiness is. My happiness was another call closed, or the end of a telephone call with some person who normally refuses to listen, or do what I ask them to do, in spite of it being to help them. The end of a meeting (Or one missed altogether), and another hour of no management asking me banal questions I had already given them the answer too. That was now my happiness. How sad that actually is.

I watched them for the duration of my wait at the intersection. And I was jealous. For everything I have, I couldn't find a smile in myself tonight.

Fuck. After all this time to still find that smoldering anger, its still there.
I thought I gave this up, I though it was gone
but that isn't what smoldering means.

I've cut so many people out, just left them there with out a clue
as to why
or what, made me do it, I can't tell you.

I just cut away what I thought was cancer.
Maybe you were
Maybe you weren't
I just cut it out to make me feel better.....

But I don't. That smoldering is still there. That burn that makes me lash,
that anger that makes me come out and bare my teeth.

I still want to bite you where it wont be fun.

Maybe I am just a biter after all, maybe I am that rabid dog that you love, but cant touch.
Don't touch. Don't go there, just watch it from a far. Let it be and then, let it be.

Watch it burn itself and yelp, then growl and become the fire. Its the circle of life. Just watch it.
don't teach it, never teach it because it never learns from that. It learns from burning. Burning is the only way it knows.

There's such a hate, and I don't know from where, or directed at what. But such a hate.

I haven't written for a while. Not said anything. Just been here.Here is the operative word. Here, a lot has been transpiring.In the mind, out of the mind, just.....a lot. We are going to adopt a child as we can not have kids ourselves. Never mind the politics surrounding adoption, you should try have a functional relationship before any of that. That right now has turned out to be the hurdle that needs to be overcome.

We saw a social worker today, what I took away from the experience was: So many ppl have thanked me because it brought couples closer. We are working on that.

Rear view mirror

Ah the impact man. You live your life and try to be there, and you just balls to the wall carry on. And while you're carrying on, at some point, somewhere, you realize, 'Hold on a sec......that's my sack getting nailed to the wall!'

People, yeah people. No matter what they say, or do, or proclaim, preach or prescribe.....Its all self serving. We are all doing what we need to do to survive, fuck the humility. We can lie to ourselves about who we are, and why we say what we say. That's fine. I can handle that.

I have issues with lying to me. When you walk that painful path and you "ask for advise' then turn around and say no no no.......'You don't understand'. Only to watch the bonfire ensue and all the emotions get singed, what then?

No matter what, the consequence of it knows no bounds in this day and age. I will laugh and cheers it with a half full wine glass. Isnt that the way we deal with......Drama these days?

I am not poetic anymore, I can not find the words. Once upon a time this would of inspired me to write, explore and put what I think in to words. Now it only serves the purpose to find the words to type, "Fuck Off."

I've reached a point where I've realized I want to talk, but not to anyone I know.I feel like the people I talk to drain me. Somehow, it always ends up about them. Whatever it is they are going through in life. Their divorces, their adultery, their unhappiness. You name it, I've heard a lot of it.

There are those that say its a wonderful quality to have. That people feel they can talk to me. That they can trust me. And maybe it is, for those who need to talk. But what happens when the listener, needs to talk? Where do you go? The people I listen to are not the people I would ever talk to. I dont know who I would ever trust with whats going on in my head. Or who I would trust enough, to let them convince me its all going to be OK.

Lines

Where do you draw the line? What is the line you can not cross? Not about friendship or betrayal. Just a line you don't know how to deal with. My brothers cat had to be euthanized today. I have pets, all of whom I love, I know what pain he is feeling.

A friend of mine, won a mini marathon today. I've never won a race, but I know what the joy she is feeling.

The bounce between conversations, emotions. The wondering if anything in my life is significant too anyone else. Is there someone else out there, who I am at least one side of that coin too? I mean, is someone else out there upset, or happy, about how I feel, or is that a just a dream I have? Where someone holds me, tells me its going to be ok, and congrats on where I am in life.

Yes, I'm married, and for the most part happily. I listen, I try to move in a certain direction, together. I have someone to talk to. That direction has been split a bit over time. I dont have direction of my own anymore, and I feel like it's always me people come to, to make them smile, and feel everything is ok. What if I turned around and said, 'Fuck it, its all screwed. We are all fucked.' What then? If I stopped saying  'Everything will be ok', what then.

I just feel that too many people rely on me to say the whole 'Its ok' line. Im sick to shiza of it.

Time and time again, I fail to just let go. The ones in my life that are in situations of their own design, and fail to rectify it, and bring me down. Why do I carry on with these people? Maybe I'm getting closer to just walking away, they irritate me more and more and now there is a gap, a distance between us. Perhaps that gap is there for a reason, its something to turn your back on.

Others would argue 'No one stays behind!' or "friends never leave friends alone!' but is it friendship if you are always staring at the self made wall others make to feel safe, wondering how to get in? If you are the one on the outside, trying to shout messages of encouragement and love over that wall? Who's alone then? Who's being left behind?

Perspective, sometimes it changes everything. Sometimes, it is everything.

I know I bitch a lot.

I often reread what I post. And man, more often than not its some whine with bad cheese. Thing is, I normally only write when im frustrated, when I'm a bit strung out on emotions and whiskey. I write about my frustrations and anger and the things I dont understand.

Anybody who does read this.....Im not as bad as all these posts would make out. I need to start writing when I'm in a better place, to balance this out because I have been happy for a good few days now. I just dont always know how to vent that happiness, for lack of a better way of putting it.

Is it really worth the fight?

When u try to show u care, because u were 'accused' of not caring, and piss the person off for doing what you were asked to do.......Is it worth the fight? Nope. Fuck it.

I just see the potential for happiness in you. Not my happiness, yours. And after all this time to see you head straight for that brick wall crushes me. I'm not a perfect person, I'm not necessarily a good person, but I see what I see. And to see you time and again go back to those wasted shores......thats where I am at wrong. Everyone has their path, their own journey. Its not my place to stand in the way of that, but dam it takes a lot to just step back and let the freight train hit. It takes a lot to stop caring  and just let it all be. To let go.

Lost

To look around and always see, the endless image of me being me.
Every thought and encounter mine, a memory of the kind divine.
Plans change and so do views, who I was burnt my soul in a scarring way.

It didnt always make sense, and it never will. But at least now I have an inkling of whats going on, at least right now, and right here.Love is a word, its elusive and hard to find, only because its defined by who we are in a moment. Love is actually just tolerance. The willingness to put up with another for a certain amount of time. There are moments of bright stars and blooming flowers, but even those flowers fade and give way to something else. It all changes, just when you've caught you're breath.

But we breath, we shake the waters of a past life from our eyes and manage to carry on. We get up, convince ourselves its all ok, that we've changed and that it's all ok. We smear the wound closed with words of blind faith and hope, and pray for the best. We dont really know whats going on, we're only fooling ourselves.

And for every failure there's a reason, a valid point of moral ground or ethical value. A sore point we could not see past, or a value that was missed. And when we stand on that tiny hill, or insignificant victory, and look around, there's only ever one thing to see.

The endless image of me being me.

Sometimes you hit a crossroad. Its always tough, its never easy, a crossroad. Every direction a different set of options and consequences. I'm a Virgo, (not that i believe in star signs) but apparently we are meticulous. Cant deny I spent a fair amount of time thinking things over.

And so I choose.......NE. Fuck directions, fuck 'what I'm supposed to be', Let me be what I am. If me not fitting in with your directions is an issue, who's issue is it really, mine or yours?

Another day another dollar

We live in different worlds. Every day I wonder at the human race, and how we managed to get to where we are, with actually so little changing. Cities are built, technology advances and we claim ourselves more aware, and better prepared for the future. And nothing actually changes. The structure, and the mentality that comes with it, is still the same. The powerful at the top, and the millions of worker ants at the bottom. Maybe its just my perception thats tainted, but in the same breath I can see it in others lives.

The requests I deal with on a daily basis, and the sometimes outrages expectations, are proof of this.To a degree I suppose you can say that people are not technical, and that is why I am there, but also there's common sense. And there is a lack of just that in the world. Its as if people enter this level of superiority, and suddenly, the very laws of physics and rationale suddenly dont apply.Again (even though I feel its pushing the excuse envelope) these people are not technical, but is how the expect you to treat them when they make absurd requests. Its the expectation they create that they want it now, and that's it, no matter how unreasonable.

My example: I want my email backed up till next week Monday.

..........

..................................................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What? Pause. Reflect. That is am impossible request. It all happens so fast, my brain grinds to a halt. I'm lost for words. Cautiously, "I don't think we will be able to back up till next week Monday, but we can back up (and I throw in a hint) what you currently have."

Unacceptable. Why cant we back it up now? "I need it backed up before I leave the office, Im going on leave". Again, my brain just dies. Perhaps laughing at somebody is actually a service to the world. If people hadn't laughed at me when I was a child, I would never have learned to think before I speak. These people are so coddled, put on such high pedestals, that they have become untouchable and inaccessible to the normal, everyday person who lives in reality. I'm not allowed to be blunt, I'm not allowed to say no, I'm not allowed to laugh. I have to play my words like a game of chess hoping one day they see the light of what they're actually requesting.

And so we play the word game till finally, at the crescendo of the conversation it comes out: If you show me where the emails are, I'll back it up. And you I saw it in her eyes like a dawning sunrise. Like a bubble rising to the surface through a thick sludge. Its not an instant "Oh wait I see what you mean", its a slow process of realizing "I need it backed up, where are the mails, they're not in outlook, where are the mails, wait, here, but why cant I see Next weeks mails.......hold on". That moment of silence when you cant show me next weeks mails.

And that is what I deal with on a regular basis, and that is what makes me question the reality I live in. My question tonight is; have we really moved forward then? Or are we still living in the dark ages where the king and his court reign free while the peasants just work the fields?

It's not that I'm not a hater. I hate with the best of them. But Im tired. Tired of fitting in and making adjustments for people I dont really know, for reasons I'm unsure of. Sometimes, those decisions have a wide area affect. Tonight, it turns out that Area of Effect is my decision.

Pretty simple for me, Date Time Where. Then I pitch, and "uhm, no a different char" then "uhm....no this char cant do X." Then FUCK THAT from my part.Online gaming is one thing, gaming with friends who try to define who you are to THEIR friends, something else. I got tired of running around after an hour wait for them.

Im so so angry right now, but thats not something new. Im always up for a fight. I want to push people further away and I dont quite know why?

The voice of someone’s reason has spoken again.

No sense to me, or blindly ignored

Makes no difference.

I’m not complaining, its those voices that have saved me so many times. I don’t always hold back, I don’t always back down. Or rather, I don’t back down when I should. But when should I? Whats the q card? Whats the line? Where do you draw it? Ive gotten so tired of saying sorry for things that other people misunderstood, that I just rattle on like a machine gun. What gets me, is that in this here and now world, I have to say sorry for something you didn’t understand, or something you misinterpreted. YOU, is the highlighted word. At the slightest offence (and these days theres a whole political correctness dictionary to choose from) its hands in the air, and sighs of disappointment.

Fuck That. Instead of looking at the situation and the flaws in it, it becomes a game of what color said what, what gender and what sexual orientation. Im tired, of saying sorry, always. It doesn’t matter what happens, theres always sorry in there somewhere. Giftwrapped with a shit strand and hand presented. I feel like I have to say sorry, to make others feel good about themselves. Is that really a good thing? If you forever make people say sorry to those who cant stand up for themselves, aren’t you just strengthening a point of view that is faulty? Is that really the way to build a person up? To help them grow?

Before I full blown rant, it doesn’t make a difference. I’m tired. Of saying sorry. To people who haven’t earned it. People who just……piss me off and when I snap at them, are suddenly portrayed as the downtrodden.

Game on.

Random 2/13/2015

You just get tired. You find it all a bit boring, unexceptional and predictable. Sounds snooty doesnt it? But it happens. Its my time of the month/year/life for that. Its like living in a bubble where only you can really hear your own screams. Smile along, pretend along, laugh and play and paint a picture for the world and lead them astray as to how you really feel. But you get lost. You do it so long that you kind of start to believe it. And one day you touch that nerve that wrenches you out of that make believe life and drops you hot shit back in to reality. And you need a break. You need a reset, a 'whoa hold on for a sec whats going on' because you're living a lie.

I dont know if I like these times or not. The people around me dont, that much I know. I retreat. I back away from everything and confront anyone who tries to crack that shell I'm in. I just need my space sometimes. To be left alone and just watch the world and rethink what it is I'm seeing and living.

I still have to find those journals that I wanted to post on here.