I have a desire to write. I just dont know what. I also have a desire, not to feel, and Im working on that. But Im scared. To feel nothing, is a large....void. But to feel what I feel now, is a heavy burden. 

Weights and scales

The ability to fail

And own that emotion

Not drown in devotion

to another.

Not to blame

Not for gain

but how to walk 

away from this pain.

For a while there was meaning. There was a goal, even if it wasnt power or money or fame. It was Aiden. He refreshed me, he mae me see the world different, through the eyes of a kid again. And now, not even a merry chrostmas, or a photo of him opening presents. Nothing. We spoke today, he was upset about some or other garage trip and toys or something. I gave up. And Im sad about that. I didnt like the way he was talking to me. And today, for the first time, I drew that line with him. If you talk to me that way, I will go away. Am I being unfair to him? I cant talk to him with L there. It feels like he watches his words. He randomly said today 'Mama huil oor jou', which was immediately shot down by L. What was he saying, what was he trying to say? And thats the thing, was he saying anything at all? I dont want to say I dont believe my own son, but I find it hard that L would cry over me after everything that has transpired, unless it was because she was frustarated/angry with me.

Dear God

 You know all about me. I dont have to explain it all, again, in writing. You know whats going on inside me. I wake up its there, I work and its there, I go to bed and it overwhelms my mind. You know what Ive done, what Im doing, and how I feel. How do I change it all? How do I feel like I did something right?The frustrating thing about letters like these, is that I do have the answers. You have given me the answers, so maybe my questionn is, how do I do it. I know what to do, I dont know how. I dont know how to let go of the hurt, the anger. Both at the world and at myself. I dont know where to look to find that ray of light, or hope. Every which way I look I just feel frustration, drained, irritation. ANd its taking its toll on me. I need to be.....better? You know what I mean by that, I need to get better, because im not well on the inside. I take responsibilty for my actions. I have not helped the situation, I let it get me down. But right now, Im really down, and I need a hand up, please. I will try to rectify whats mine to fix. Keep the promise I made to him. But please let it go easier between him and I? It breaks me when he says he doesnt know what to say, or that he doesnt want to talk. The conversations are getting shorter, the words carry less meaning, I feel like we are drifting apart.