21.12.16 - or maybe not

Just thinking. So much twirling around in here. So much happiness so much sadness...... Just, so much that happens in such a short time it knocks the breath out of you. And the next thing you know, you're standing on the edge, just standing there.

Its whiskey night. I decided its time for it cause well, I want it to be. Im going to be a father. Its a strange thing to say. And I'm also not the first one to say it. Again, sometimes the a situation has no gravity until you are in it.

......That was a few days ago. I tried to write, something, anything, but I just didnt have it in me. Its been so hard to not say anything, to not make any contact. Its all so confusing right now. There is just so much to try take it and make sense of. There are so many thoughts of baby, the coming bundle of proverbial joy (although already I'm tired of people and advice) and then so many thoughts of life, of where i was and what was happening. Do I feel bad, good? I feel bad, but i felt so good inside for a while. Bad now because of how it all ended, good because of how it made me feel. Was it all just a dream? A moment? I dont know.

I guess thats it. I just dont know. It feels like the eye of the tornado is over me now. Its all calm, I can see the destruction (and eventual rebirth) all around me, and I accept it. Its all calm now before those lines move and I find myself in the middle of the storm again. Its hard not having that person there to talk too. Just talk. That talking made so much difference between being blown  away and managing to keep that last final grasp on what I thought was firm ground.

Its late here, and there is still so much here in this wine mind tonight. Its time to drift off to a dream land of firmer yet more unstable grounds.

There is no title for this

I sometimes feel like that. A hole. Things fall into holes. My mother once fell in to a hole while she was showing us where she spent her youth. I was young. It didnt take long, but we found her. Brings a smile to my face remembering that adventure. But a hole. A simple hole. Unseen, unmasked, just there, waiting.  I feel like a hole, its been a while since I, quite got to this place. I dont know if I like it. I used to hate myself so regularly it became a norm, it was where I knew the ground, knew the path and thats what I walked.

I spent some time trying to get off that path, to see some light and hope and all the things that I've been told I've been missing. But now? Its all anger. Not at the world, not work, at nothing external. Have I really learned nothing? Am I really here again? Is it really a full circle I've just traveled?

I dont know. There's anger, yes. But also, just dead calm. I dont know what comes first, the dead, or the calm. Its watching the present with untouched popcorn because you know something coming, is that the dead?And when it does, and expecting, accepting it all, letting it wash away everything you know or thought you believed in, is that the calm?

I dont know.

This has never been a good time of year for me. I love my inlaws, we get along well enough, but there is no family. There is only a distant and polite, "Hello, Merry Christmas". I dont know what to do with that. On some level it feels almost like rather dont say anything at all than trying to make up and saying that with a weak and feeble voice. Just dont say it. Just, dont.

NoT

Its never been an intention to make people sad with these things, these words. This is what happens on the inside of me, this is how is see things, experience them. It, just is.

I found a  song. It works for me, it explains a lot. How I see things, how I relate, what I want. Im not all that depressed or unhappy. I just sometimes put things in to words that....well.....are not always easily understood from someone else's perspective? Anyway, Darius Rucker - If I told you.

go youtube you lazy mofo. :)

Theres the hard line stance of lines. The right and wrong of life. The left, The right, the Line. My side, Your side.......that plain, hard, dark line. Its the line that divides, and segregates and groups. Shit man, Ive been around a while now, those lines are only ever the ones we draw for ourselves.Those are the lines we draw to isolate ourselves from whatever, to draw other to us to stand in that space to build us up, to make a space that is ours. 'Heres what Im comfortable with, and no more"

Hey Im the same, I'm no different from anyone else I guess. Its just that, its getting harder to draw that line. Its getting harder to step away. Its all grey to me right now. Right and wrong, good and bad, up and down positive and negative. I'm just finding it harder to try draw that line these days. I dont know what is me anymore. yes, all melodramatic by the sound of it, but is it really? If there are no lines to mind, if there is no right or wrong, up or down......what is left? If I took myself out of that comfort zone, if I stopped judging, and caring about being judged, ultimately, only one thing would be left. Consequence.

Consequence. Not nearly as intimidating as right or wrong, good or bad. but wow, what a word. It doesnt matter which side of any line ever, consequence is on both sides, consequence is there. So in a way, it doesnt matter what you decide to actually do, go ahead and do it. It's consequence that no one ever thinks of. Are you willing to live with, and take responsibility for that, the consequences of whatever action?

Ive been wondering now for a while of an action I need to take. Today, I saw an alternative. It still wont be easy, but still it may be an easier way to deal with things. I dont know how to breach this topic, how to approach this person, or how to drive a point home that needs to be there, without it becoming a whole different topic of conversation. I may have an answer, but right now, i guess only time will tell. The only thing Right Now, is am I willing to accept the consequences of this conversation? Can, and am I capable of handling whatever comes of it? I dont know. But I only have 2 choices, do or don't.

Again, consequences. If I do, I stand the choice of it being misunderstood, or misconstrued and it bruising a friendship. If I dont, and I leave it unchecked, more drama in the work space, and possibly much more. Which one am I willing to live with? And that's where all those lines get grey.

Its easy to look at lines, and put myself in a little box, a little safe place of self survival. But honestly, those lines are only ever drawn to try protect me, or who ever is standing on the inside of that line. Those lines define only one consequence, one in my favour. You're either with me, or against me, black and white. And as much as I love that idea, thats just not how it works. Its just doesnt feel right. Ah this is all getting grey, there is no point to this piece other than what Im seeing in my head. Gggrrrrrrrrr dammit, words are sometimes so hard to try find.

No Title

I love the sound of rain. I love it even more after a few glasses of wine. It seems to, dull the world, block the outside out. Not going to say much tonight, don't have much to say I guess. Well, actually do, but there's a time and place for everything, and here is neither of those. Right now I'm happy that my back is all better, and the rest is getting there. I can enjoy a glass of wine, listen to the rain, and just chill.

No title

Strange days

I once watched a movie with that title. it was a bout the return of Satan and the anti Christ and all those action movie things. A good old Schwargeneggy movie. But.....real life can be even stranger.

Its so hard to try put in to words, to try and explain a feeling that kind of swallows all words and is still hungry for more. I meet people all the time, its part of my job. And then you meet someone, who isnt part of that job, or work, or anything you're used to, and they say "Hey Bitch, lets flip that shit up"

And here I am. That person who makes you try and think, make you draw a line between right and wrong, good and bad. A person who makes you think, makes you feel. But, like actually FEEL. there are so many intricacies in this story, but I'm not going to write them down now, or here. Life is strange, our choices more so sometimes. It makes me wonder about the whole cross roads story sometimes. The decisions we we make lead us left or right, and sometimes we go left when we should go right. It's...dammit, hard to explain. I know what's left, and I know what's right, but what if......just maybe, the decision is not based on logic and rational, but on feeling. It just seems we spend so much time thinking, and judging, and coordinating. Everything in it's box, and every box in its place. Who taught us that?! What happened to just letting go and feeling, feeling it all and  following it.

That's almost poetic. Its beautiful in its own way. The "fuck the law" rebellious following. But life.....isnt that what it is? Its hard laws, its hard judgement, its down right hard core in its way of putting you in a situation and patting you on the head while whispering a different story in your ear. This is life I guess. And through it all we can only just try keep head above water because the rules change daily.

A change in the wind

Im finding that calm in myself. Getting to that place where it's not about anger, or frustration or hurt. Its quiet. Its sticking your head out of that canopy of trees and seeing a bigger picture, being out where the air is cool and fresh. Its reminds me of the scene in The Hobbit, in Mirkwood forest when Frodo climbs a tree and finally reaches the top of the forest. Sometimes, often times, its so hard to get trapped below, with thoughts like  giant spiders that want to drain you to the point of exhaustion but not let you go. 

There have been things happening in my life, just things that have made me look up, try and get to that light I see above. And I'm enjoying that feeling of getting closer to the fresh air. Of getting closer to who and what I could be. Not fully realised, but that's a yet. So far its a subtle change in every day life, seeing things and noticing things and knowing whats worth noticing. Hearing the same things, but perceiving a totally different message. Its all changed.

And I like it. 

Its all just thought. All just some sort of electromagnetic pattern, that gives us individuality. All of it, a figment of our own electricity inspired brains. We are all so special, we are all so different.......or are we? Its not depression, this never was, all these thoughts in here. They were only ever a figment of something someone told me to believe, or not believe. Influence. Interception. Life. Every thought or idea was only ever moulded by an event, or a person before it. An interaction. We all claim innovation, originality, independence. But how much of you is in me, and how much of me, is actually in you?

I dont over think things. I just think.

So quiet tonight. Its nice. No feelings of anger, no feelings of happy. Just quiet, just equilibrium. The wind is blowing, the neighbourhood is quiet. Not going to write an essay, not going to complain, not going to say much really. There is just a point, I can't say where it is or what it is, just a line. It's always there but I don't manage to reach it every night, or many nights actually. Just night's like tonight, when the lines are touched, but not crossed. Nothing is over full and nothing is left a dry empty. Everything is as it should be, it all just, works. It all feels. Not good, not bad, I cant put in to words that balance, that, (and for lack of a better word) rightness.

The Blue Moon

Between raging red and cold stark ice
Moods that leave you on the precipice
Always a fall, always a climb
Always struggling to find that line

To stand right here and feel it all
There is no rise, there is no fall
To watch both sides, no ebb, no flow
This bliss is nothing I can bestow

A moment caught in pure reflect
There is no tending, nor regret
Just a slice of pure and calm
A nights reprieve of soothing calm.

And though I know the clock counts down
Tomorrows worries bring tomorrows frown
This moment now is a precious boon
This right here, is my own Blue Moon.

Been looking for these for a while:

1. Sweet memory stings 
The image it brings 
Brings light to dark hallways in my mind 
Sweet memory takes 
All emotion that was at stake 
And makes it obsolete unto itself 
Sweet memory reminds 
Of all that lies behind 
And what path was beaten to be here 
Sweet memory give 
The will to want to live 
For that is all you are 
Sweet memory.

2. Flittering laugh that caught my ear 

A smile that stole my heart 
Little knowing then my dear 
That it would tear our worlds apart 
Stolen both our hearts would be 
Betrothed forever one 
But still the marching feet draw near 
To make our world undone. 
Flee not now but face the wrath 
Of love betrayed and charred 
No matter what these times will bring 
Our love will stand unscarred. 
Though bodies fall and blood is spilt 
With cries of anguish and of guilt 
Though time may pass and features age 
This love will never wilt

3. Life, 

Scattered like driftwood across the beach of time 
Polished, smooth from years of washing waves 
Until it resembles itself no more. 
Transformed into physical beauty, 
Yet dead to the world forever.

4. One velvet tear 

For all the pain 
One tear of fire 
For all the rage. 
One tear of ice 
For all the loneliness 
One tear of bitterness 
For all the despair 
On tear of salt 
For all the wounds 
One tear of ash 
For those that are gone 
One tear of acid 
For those that are here 
One life 
For all tears

5. The merciless clash of cold steel 

Drawing blood colder than death itself 
Graceful strokes of dismemberment 
Carving his art of flesh 
Waning moan, trailing down the decibel staircase into silent black 
Syrup of life, tracing cracks on hard stone 
This twisted ballet, 
It's over.

I posted those online a long time ago, they were memories of that time, relating to a feeling, felt then. All those things, words, relating to past deeds almost forgotten, but the feelings associated with them, very much not.

Again, a comment on how good I am with words. I like it, sure, but I hate it.  A random comment, at the end of a random description.

Maybe, I'm good with words, because I dont know how to just smile and be happy. I need those words to try describe what I feel, happy or sad. Those words to a degree define me. I can not say or think those things, its who I am, how I feel.

How do you nutshell, a nutshell? Im not supposed to write anything.......and yet theres so much to write about.

Its all a crock of shiza, its all about being dumbed down. Dont take those pills dont heed that call it's all about dumbing down.

Dont be 'That" guy, please!

The Jokes on us

Yep, its all on us.

I have spent so much time, posting on forums, emailing people. I have read (And believed) all the promises on websites and other media. And again, yep, the jokes on us.

Its all lies. We as consumers just lap it all up like puppies or kittens at the milk bowl. And when the milk turns sour, and we step away, no matter what the "Anti websites" say, there's no real support. There actually is just, nothing. And so the wheel turns. Advertise, Sell, Lie, Small Print, Fight, Give p. Browse Again.

We are actually the fools. We have hope. We try again. And then, try again. For people living on the lower rung of life, what else is there to do? I'm not saying or dissing my position in life, we are well off. But for people a little more distressed, or maybe in a worse place than us, FUCK MAN, how are you supposed to cope?

I wonder if that equates to real life in any way.........

Its been a long month and a half.

Not quite the beginning to the new year one would hope for. Spent a bit of time being sick, or off from work sick at least. Stomach, tooth extractions, bronchitis. And all this, just when I have some sort of breakdown, and end up on anti depressants and a therapist.

Fuck. Where did it go? The faith, the confidence? The meaning? I just feel lost right now. Not like a drunken stupor lost. Its a real life lost. I drank to contain it, and now, there is no containing it. Its there all the time. Its just there. I shy away from people. I go out of my way to avoid them, I don't enjoy interaction anymore, and the quieter and more alone I am, the more I feel at peace with the world. I had a funeral on Friday, and had car issues on Monday (Or so I said) and went back to work today. within 15 minutes I was sweating like a boar to the point where people asked me if I was ok. I was so irritated. I thought I was better than this. I do have bronchitis, went to the doc and she said it could be the anti depressants or the bronchitis causing it. Point is, I feel like a stranger to myself. I don't know whats going on, or how to handle it. Guess that's why I have a therapist.

Guess we all go through life on our own paths. Sometimes we fall, sometimes we stand up. Sometimes we need a hand getting back up. Its hard to take that hand when you're used to standing up on your own.

Its hard to put all of it in words. I listened to music from when I was young and.......well just young. Cant say how much I enjoyed it. Depeche mode, tears for fears, bruce springsteen. Just things that touch nerves I have left alone for a long time. Maybe there is something in me I tried to forget. Something I left alone for a long time. I still dont know what it is, or was. Ive always fel tthis way, a little left out, a little off the beaten track. I get all the artistic meanings of that, but it doesnt help when you dont know what that really means.

I've always stood out, but always stood in? does that make sense? People said I would be well known and whatever because of who I am, by nature. I never believed them. We all all stand out if any one ever looks closely enough. (Sometime Dec 2015)

2016

A new year, a new beginning, or so they say. Same shit, different year, would be others words. I'm somewhere in between. My only resolution this year, is to not have resolutions. To have a mould you know will break is pointless. To just go with the flow and let this year mould itself seems more fun and interesting.

I just feel that trying more ends up offering less. And before we all stand aghast with expressions of horrid blah blah, hear me out. For me, life turned out to be like Love. The more I focused on it, the more elusive it became. I still don't know what my passion is, I still dont know what my life calling is, I actually still don't know anything. BUT...that's where things change. No more peer group pressure. I think I may have found a place of being ok with that, not totally, but a little. Anyone having anything to say about that, is more than welcome to come have a chat with me. Hahahaha! Its not aggressive, not even passive aggressive, it just is. I'm not saying go be a bum on the streets or anything like that. I will prob never be president, or Director of NASA, and that's fine. I'm happy with that. I can only do the things that are with in my grasp to touch and change. I'm not in that space right now, that's all.