Makes one wonder.

 And after my last post, anger has retreated. Doesn't mean things have gotten any better, but there's a 'Meh, ok then' attitude, not one I'm sure about. I've stopped asking anything during the day, or night of that mother. I send my voice notes. And nothing. There was a missed call this week, Mon or Tues, but I could not take it.One call, in 3 months.

Maybe I should of, but I know where that call would of gone. 

Ive been trying to help out in a dept I dont belong in because of my experience, or lack thereof. I am hoping, against all hopes maybe one day I can move from where I am, to there. This has meant long hours.

I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of trying to cover every base. Its the saddest thing to say, but Whatever.

I work with someone. He is Muslim. Big Pro Palestine guy, and kudos on that. Standing up for what you believe in. And then you ask, whats the difference, between politics and religious belief?No judgement, I'm just trying to understand here. And this question, hell, it ranges across all religions, all politcs, the entire world, so I'm not judging. But whats the difference here? 

Politic's: Its about Democracy! We vote for who we want in charge!

Religion: Its about faith! What you believe, is whats right!

Soooo....I cast my vote in 'belief' of what I see as right. I Believe, because thats what I've been taught to believe. So ultimately, they are the same thing. Feeding off one another, but basically the same thing. 

Sure, I may be wrong.

Prayer

 I go to bed most nights, and I do say a a prayer.

And the first thing, pls look after A and guide him in my absence,

And today, videos of A not listening, not doing what hes meant to do to the point where there are videos and voice notes.

So why am I praying? Obviously no ones listening. No one, up there, cares enough. I cant do anything from here!! Mom's calling and asking me to talk with him, but he just ditches the call if I say anything he doesnt like.

WHAT MUST I DO NOW? Simple question. We spoke months ago about giving him chores and getting him more involved with The Real Life of Things, and that hasnt happened. I cant control, or manage that from here. So now he is sitting in a hot mess at school, and I can what? Shrug my shoulders?

He's obv going through something but he simply wont open up. And it is fuck hard to try get him to say anything on a phone call. As much as I looked forward to this Friday, I dont anymore.

Update. Haloween, wasnt that fun for me, or him. He complained about how it was the worst HAlloween ever. Publicly, out a car window. And when afterwards I asked him "But hey that wasnt nice, what now with it being the worst ever?" A litany of ef why it was kak. He didnt even dress up. he didnt even take part. The car meant for small kids that walk the whole distance, there he was, plopped in the back. His mother planned all of that for him. And he didnt even take part. Then he moaned about why didnt he get as much candy as the others?! 'Well, cause you sat in the car Aiden, no one was going to send it down to you, you have to 'GO TRICK OR TREATING' to get the treats". Very much of unhappiness, from both sides.  He is not learning anything, or being taught anything down there. And of course, this conversation, ended up with the I cant wait till you go home. He didnt sleep with me that night. He came and talked to me, and when he got bored he said, OK well thats the daddy talk done. I dont know if I want to go down for Xmas. I dont want to be the bad cop in his life if this is what he's learning. I cant not do this remotely. 

During The Daddy Talk, right at the beginning, he climbs on the bed and says, you dont love me. OK then...I ask why? No, I dont call. Fair enough, Ive been sending voice notes every morning, and every bedtime, but he doesnt like them. To date, and thats going on a month ago, theres been 3 calls. @ of which he he hides under his blankie and doesnt want to talk, or hides from conversation, and one that was good, because he did all the talking, didnt answer any of my questions, and showed me how he played army guys. And no, I have asked, I have tried to plan, but hes always busy, or eating, or passed out after a long day. 

FFS, I am trying here.But Im at my wits end. After last month, I dont know how well Christmas is actually going to go. 

Movie Night.

 Ah man, I havent done movie night in ages! A night of just a movie or two, and bed. I normally play games, but tonight, that sounds like a good idea.

Bonus, I have butter pop corn, and quite a lot of it, so snacks are sorted! Infinite, 2021 movie, got it for a work colleague who showed me a trailer. But it looks good. 

Obv, a thousand ways I would rather watch this, but seeing as things are how they are, and we are, where we are, this will have to do.

Friday

 Like any other Friday, Im glad its Friday. And like any late shift Friday, you have to wait till 6PM to vanish. And you walk out that door, and you smile, and take a deep breath, freedom, at last.

That normally last's about 30 minutes or so, or at least, on the drive home. And then you get home. All the solo party plans and adventures, melt away. Its just an empty, dirty flat. Dirty, sure that's on me, and I never used to be this way. And I look at it and go 'meh, tomorrow'. Sometimes not even tomorrow, I go 'meh, whenever" which is kind of open ended.

I dont know what happened today, what made me see things this way. It does happen, and this is when I need the leather belt, something to bite down on, something tangible to hold on to, even if its with my teeth. That anger is still there, and God alone knows I'm tired of it now. I'm just tired. Of all the mind games and bollocks. And I think maybe, I've learned something about acceptance, but not in this conversation. I ranted about not getting a Happy B-Day from Aiden, and L (that's a different topic) but Maybe finally, I've learned to......let go...not care? Just, let it go. 

Thats a load of horse manure, but anyway. Ok not entirely? And thats why I write, to try make sense of all this. I'm the first to raise a hand and say 'Yeah shits not going down well here' and in the same breath I'm the same one who doesnt say anything at all. I'm my own hot mess, and I have to deal with it. Me alone.

Im tired, but Im not done yet.

 Was a hard Bday. But I think I need to write. There is just so much to try write out, get out of my head. Sat came and basically cut the call. If you cant respect me as a human, how ever will you respect me?

Not fair on Aiden, I know, but I was SO miffed at it all. That, is totally on me. I just dont get how it works now? It seems, Im not allowed to be upset, or have any real feelings of my own. I have to give way of the wants and needs, of well Aiden. L doesnt care, and I get that. Whatever, but whatever I feel, and however I react, is a direct impact on Aiden, and that, yeah thats a horrible thought. But no one seems too see that? They can all carry on, no matter what they are teaching him on a daily basis, that doesnt matter? I cant bottle that up forever, and theres actually no one to talk too about it. 

Im just frustrated. I know there is so much more going on down there, but I have no influence or say. And no one tells me, so what am I meant to do? I mean, at this point, just walk away, or react. And how do I react? Throw your parenting advice go for it, remember Im 1400 KM's away. I have missed play dates, and phone calls, but am I really the bad person here, I also get invites and stuff. Not many (just how I like it) but they always cover a gap where theres meant to be Aiden time. But also, the amount of time Ive sat in this chair, waiting, for nothing. No call, no voice note (I never get voice notes anyway) nothing. Like I must sit in a box and just wait.

Im jealous of Mike, his daughter calls him at work to 'discuss issues!' and just talk. He always tells her, 'Daddys at work, I will call you later'. Maybe there are issues, but his kid reaches out to him, Aiden? No a breath of a word. 

Im kind of....well, black and white? Here or not. I know hes only seven, going on eight, but.....ok so.....There is no manual for this. I want to run to preserve my own sanity, but I cant just walk away? Not from him? There is soooo much he is going to have to learn before he leaves kid'ness. And I dont know how to approach it.

Maybe day by day is best, but I still have apprehensions about what he is learning over there when it comes to the world. I love him, but I can see Bratt roots growing, and that is going to become an obstacle between us. The way he talks to L, and friends, and behaves. 

Thats enough for one night. Someone is watching this, reading this, and Im not sure who, or why, or if Im comfortable with it, to be honest. Just one person. Hey if you have an opinion, let me know. I thought I locked this down to be private, but I must of missed something somewhere. And thats fine, these things happen for a reason.

Happy Birthday to me...

 Well thats it, 48 birthday almost wrapped up and done, and TG for that. Im just getting old, I appreciate the wishes, but man I get the shits with having to constantly monitor 'social media' to say thanks. Im 48 FFS, its not a big deal 

But the sting....yes theres a sting. I got birthday wishes from ex-inlaws, which I politely thanked and moved on, but the one Birthday wish, the one I really wanted the most, from my son, missing. I dont so much care that Leilanie didnt wish me happy birthday, but if she doesnt, my son doesnt. I dont know what to make of it. I am upset. Not gonna lie about that. The fact that her own mom and sister wished me a happy birthday, says something. And maybe Im a troll, and maybe unfairly so, on Aiden. But dont come happy birthdaying tomorrow, or whenever your mom or sister or whoever reminds you. The boat has sailed. 

If you cant do that, then I guess no more really needs to be said, does it? Sure, again according to social law "but why didnt you do anything?" rules....fuck that. I am not going to remind people of something like my birthday If you dont remember after a 15 year relationship, then you simply dont remember. Its the impact on Aiden that bothers me. He is going to learn, and grow up with the same attitude. But Im tired of worrying now. If the universe is so powerful, then well....guide him. My prayers have gone unanswered for more than a decade, so maybe he has more gusto in him, if anyone ever taught him to pray. Im goin to have a whiskey, and more after that, because ultimately, after this birthday, it doesnt really matter.

Just a rainy day

 It rained through the afternoon. The late afternoon. As the sun set there were still drops falling, lightning crashing, but all further away from here.

I left the door open that day.The breeze was cool, the sounds of rain soothing, just to let this air out, let it clear.

And in those moments there are no radios, or mssgs, or phones. Its just an open door looking out at the world. The thing with storms here, at the right time, like now, is the light. Its not just a beautiful sunset, but all the light turns golden. Even if you dont look at the sunset, the light itself is golden. It doesnt happen often, but when its does, its the perfect moment to dial out of the world.

Just tired

I'm just tired.

I'm tired of the memory of you.

I'm tired of missing the past

I'm tired of thinking of what we were

Its easy to say look forward

Its a breeze to just turn those eyes up front

Or is it?

I dont want too.

Im just bumping my head in to could and should and would

And those lines are just so blurred.

Would.

Has been taken away. Thats a choice that isnt there anymore.

Should.

What I can and cant do.

Could.

The things that could still happen, and the things that could've been.

March life 2024

Ive never been perfect

I have never claimed too be

Ive never understood me

But can can anyone else say they see?

Ive always held myself back

Ive always been reserved.

Why then did you give me,

This cup held in reserve?

Can you be honest.

I really like the thoughts and word's

Of those thinking I was on the brink.

But have you ever thought, to look in to the sink?

Not just the sink, that gaping hole, I know its always there.

But have you ever really looked up, and had a good long stare?

The mirror. 

Have you ever just really looked?

Have you seen?

Have you talked?

Do you know?

Who are you as a being?

Standing up

So often, its not about a shield or sword.

You stand up with nothing, and you dont even breath a word.

But you breath.

You stand up.

Its all in the heart. Its all in the mind.

You know the destination, just not know how to find.

Thats ok, walk away.

Youve done this all before.

This time unlike others, you wont wake up on the floor.

This time, you know the truth.

You know the path been walked

Keep

 

Am I picking at the scab, or did the wound just never heal?

How selfish would it be.....

Ive had... a bad time of late. Ive tried to talk, Ive tried to let it out.

I love those who are close to me, but sometimes I wonder if they hear themselves.

"How selfish would it be."

And while Im gasping in air through clenched teeth to carry on, to fucking not give up, to just check not check out:

"How selfish would it be"

And the tears fall, and the whole world turns, and you hold out a hand to be pulled toward any, some kind of light, but you bring back:

"How selfish would it be"

Give me back my hand. I would never wish this on any one. But until you have been here, give me back my hand. You dont know this. 

Breath. Inhale. Exhale. 

Those holding out a hand, are not those throwing lines.

These are the ones that lead you, when you know you're fucking blind.

The hands held out in solice, 

The ones held out for me,

I now understand the term, and see:

How selfish would it be.....