I dont know why I hold onto all the garbage in my head, all those things are actually gone and forgotten, but still mill around up here. Its starting to look like a life time of memories.
A lifetime of memories that have no place
A lifetime of regrets just wasting space.
but it just feels so good to walk these halls
there is no full picture, no full verse here now. Only fragments. only pieces as i listen and hear and grab random things out of this muck. I had moments of poetry when i was younger, but they just arent there anymore. Now its just write. Write it all out. feels like theres no eloquence to it, no panache or style. Its gotten raw.
There was always time. Days. Always so much time to ponder but it doesnt feel that way these now.
Always lie after lie. Always a cover story, but never a full story either way. I hate being in this space in my mind, but in the same breath, I love it. theres just so much chaos, but also so much peace. its all layered. Its all one on top another. Thinking, remembering, forgetting, feeling, wishing, but here. All here, right now. all of that, in this space. Its crammed, packed to the brim, and no matter how I try look at it, I never get the lid off of all of that. Its just always here.
Ive always written down what I feel, or what I thought, I thought I may have felt. Truth is, I dont know what I feel, and thats why I write. It was never to explore anything other than myself. Jesus that sounds selfish. But it is just that. All the anger. The pure rage. The questions. it was all ever only for me, to try understand me. Man everything. Just like EVERYTHING has always ever only been, about knowing me. I dont understand myself, I dont know myself.
Its like 4 orchestras all trying to harmonize at once. they are all beautiful noise, they all have their place, but in one hall, they are all just a noise. I dont know where I am, how I feel, who I am, what Im listening too, or how I feel. Right now, I dont even know what feeling really is. Ive pretended so long to be all that, that Ive reached the point of just being tired.
