Trapped

 I so badly want to scream, to shout. At everything, everyone, but shhhhhh....theres always an eye open somewhere.

Silent Noise

 Its so calm. Its quiet. But in here, it's an ever flowing churn of noise. Shouts, screams, crying. Ive done  a good job of making the outside quiet, now I need to work on the inside.

Screaming

 Yep, just screaming on the inside. Just dying to reach out. To touch, to laugh, to connect. On the outside? Sitting here writing this instead.

Its so much easier that way, at the end of the day. Tomorrow I will get up, and not stress abotu who I said what too..I may of broken a personal record tonight. I drank a full bottle of whiskey and am eyeballing the sleping meds. I can feel sinus's creeping up on me, so why not?

Why not just chug those fuckers and manage to get my too eyes close for more than 4 hrs?  Hell its not even about my eyes, its about my mind. Why not chug those fuckers and get to switch off for a few hours.

Its taken a long, loooong time to see things. Well see them as I do, and I dont know if thats a worry or a dare.But tonight, lets play with them tablets!

1. You drink enough whiskey that you get curious.

2. you find the tabs.

3. you count them out....

Dont stress, tha'st not enough to 'Do Harm'.....

4. Swallow em down with.....

 and lets see what happens!

Pacing

 Walking. No destination. Just pacing, around the dentist office where Aiden is having more teeth pulled. And fighting, in my mind. The same fight, with the same  person, over and over in my mind. And every once in a while, a fight with an imaginary person.

So much fire. So much, anger. I live in this boxing ring where its a constant fight. Long bouts with few breaks and in my imagination, I win. Round after round. In reality, a smile, a nod, never crossing that boundary. The things locked up inside me, that im not sure of how to deal with, or how to let go. The lies, the devious essence of the realtionship that I find myself in just make it worse. Always a lie, always a half truth, always more teeth to be pulled. 

Another June

 Im raging. But Im quiet. No one knows. Sshhh. I am just so angry at everything. 

The tale of never again

 It all begins, and all end's, with the line "Never Again."

I was always shy. I played the part and got on by, but when on my own, I was comfortable. It took me a long time to learn the social skills that a lot of people use. Looking back, I always yearned for "That one true love", I'm guilty of that. 

I got divorced, my first wife, and simply because I was not the man I was meant to be. I cheated, I lied, and at some point, I decided to stop. The only way to stop, was by teling her the truth. She was not happy. But she still loved me, was willing to make ammends, and I walked away, too dissapointed in myself.

I am not innocent. I am not claiming to be a victim here, its just my account of 17 years worth of relationship.

I cry inside everyday for what I lost. No one ever see's it because its inside, I dont show it too the world.

I dont know if anyone will ever understand, that loss. I have people, close, telling me "just let it go!" and "why are you paying if you have no say?", and what they say, sounds so right, but feels so wrong? It never been about cash or money. Its only ever been about principle. 

One year

 Its been a year. I havent written anything this year, just been rowing the flow. Im still so angry, even on the meds the dr gave me. Betrayal. This kind of betrayal. The ultimate kick in the teeth, and I just can tlet go.

Its not good for me.A lot of whats going on, is not good for me. One step at a time, one day at a time. Im trying.

March 2022

Here we are. Another wekend in CT, and another stop in the smoking lounge. I dont normally take this time to write, these days I generally dont take time to right at all. But here I am. So many moments when all I want to do is open this and vent. Just let and get it all out. Nor the most comfortable place to write, but it feels like it should be now. Its always nice to see Aiden. Always nice to spend time with him. Not so nice to spend a bit of that time arguing with him. And I dont know if its just me but I see more of it happening going forward. And i have to question myself. I try be patient, I know hes a child, but seeing him behave the way he does, and see him behaving the way he does, breaks me. I lose my cool, and he is the one who sees it. And I feel bad. I cant blame him for behaving the way he has been taught to behave, just acting out his emotions the only way he knows how. 

I dont know why I just feel like crying today. I cant say why, or what it is. I dont know why Im writing this, its not like theres much to say other than that. Maybe to try understand what it is Im feeling. I feel, hollow? As I sit here right now and look around, here in this moment, I ask what this is all about? Im sitting here, its 10.39 AM and I have a glass of wine in front of me. Yep, probably most definitely not the right attitude to have in life, but I just dont care? Something inside of me is dead. Not rotten, or off, just....dead. Not there. And theres something else inside of me, thats crying. Its hurting. But it wont tell me whats wrong. Its locked behind a door and all I can hear is tears. I cant get to it, and it wont talk.  The dead part, is just numb. It feels like a tug of war. The part that simply doesnt care, and the part thats hurting, theyre connected. I sometimes worry about how much I smoke, and drink, but mostly, theres the deadness that just doesnt care. Am I crying for myself, am I the one locked in the room? There is a goal, but I dont have the strength or courage to look it in the eye. I know its there, I've seen it from around corners and between fluttering curtains. It does scare me, because I know exactly what it is, but I cant face it.

And after today, I get it. I get it all. I dont have to face it, I dont have to look it in the eye. Its dark, its creepy, but ultimately, thats no reason to judge. My afternoon went from pleasant to a shit show in I'd say about......60 mins. If ever I didnt want strangers around me, I want the ones who 'care', AND them, even further away from me. 

I can only say I get it now. Not saying whatever end will be fitting, but I get it. And it will be an end.

There it is. The Flame. But a fierce flame, my only flame. The anger. My cross and dagger against this all. Its what keeps me alive. The fury, the indignation. Yes, I know what that means. Listening to all of you, and a I mean ALL. Bunch of fucking savages.All of you. If it doesnt serve your best interests, it must be wrong. The amount of BullShit Ive sat through, nodded through, said yes to just to make you shut up, and you never once in a breath heard me....its over.I keep surprising myself with walls, with shut down points. Every time I find once, and I think 'ok this is it I'm done', something comes up. A rough edge, something that doesnt fit. Today alone, the universe showed me two things. My brother and my son. Two of the closest things Ive ever let in. Yeah, I'm a drama queen. Watch this shit show now.

And now, its all kind of simple. Here or there. My tuning fork is done. Turns out tomorrow, there may be a convo.I may not be the same person tomrrow, after all I do try be diplomtic, but that doesnt mean much in this day or age......somewhere, at some point I became that thing behind the curtain.I dont have too. And more certainly, I dont want too. Period.

Less than 24 hrs and Im still sitting here. Im still drinknig wine. Im tired of hurt. Of hurting, and hurt. Im tired of pain. Im tired. I still havent cried. I can feel it, but it wont come out. It blurs my vision then recedes, FFS just get out will you? I dont know of I want to carry on. For anyones sake, be strong. Theres only me. I wish I could say No one cars but thats not true. There are people behind me, people in my corner who do care, but I just feel so worn. I will never out right intentionally do that, for them, but FFS I'm just so tired, of all of this.

And when I stop drinking, when I stop watching movie, after movie, after movie, its not 5 seconds and my brain starts again. Just like in the age of electronics. No sputtering, no pause, it just immediately starts again. That noise. My thoughts, my voice, my opinion, my forever eternal verbal lashing in my head. Im tired of it.

Jesus...Christ....and I do not use that term losely.  I feel so much hope, and so much despair. So much light and so much dark. I know which way my mind is going, and its not light there. What do I need to do? I dont want fame or fortune, just.....for people like me to get to be who they are. From there its on their plate. Ive been praying for so long to take care of Aiden, thats on your plate now, isnt that how it works?But lets start at the very basic's. Pls help me to be better. Someone Aiden can maybe look up too and learn somthing from. I dont want to be that man who is the.....answers I dont know the questions of. Pls, just let me be the father of the human I.........Just please let me be the father Im trying to be? Or is that too much too ask?

Super powers

 I get frustrated nights like tonight. I start to watch anything, and get irritated. I start to play anything, I get irritated. I start to listen to music, I get irritated.

Irritiation man. It doesnt matter what, I will just get irritated. I just need to harness that power in to something useful. FFS, I could shit a brick rick now, not a small moderate building brick, a white fucking four corner industrial one, and scream all the way through and be satisfied at the end.