I want to write. But it's a;ways the same old shit. It's like being trapped, in a loop. The same thoughts, the same feelings. The same everything. And I dont knwo what the point is, or would be. Will I ever change? Really change? Will I ever get over the constant push and pull of 'I need to change' vs 'Why must I always be the one to conform, to change?'.
Looking back on the last 12 years, has been an eye opener, in some ways. I feel so stupid for putting up with all of it, alwys having hope, belief that we were stronger than anything that would be put before us. I feel stupid for how wrong I was. Maybe, I am actually the naieve one. I know it takes time to work through somethnig like this, the 'trauma' of it, and I've already done one month on my own, which is from where I am measuring. I know that journey is long. But I dont feel like lifting my head right now. I dont see a horison with a bright new day break. I see a horizon of low hanging dark, cold clouds. Theres nothing to look up too. Im so angry. At myself, at the world. Im loving my flat, this pandemic, because it is the perfect escape for me. My own small space, filled with just me. Maybe I am a narccisist. My space, all on my own. Maybe I'm not. Maybe, I'm just really, deeply bruised right now.
I'm angry because I dont think L understands what I went throguh, in this mind of mine, deciding on having a child. Adopting a child. The decisions, conditions changes I went through, on the inside, in my world, to agree to that. And in one day, one moment she took all that away. How in her world we're still 'best friends' and cant unserstand, or see how much I despise her. And I know how this story plays out, I dont understand. And she is right, I dont understand. I wish I had the ability to switch off as easily as all that. And perhaps, that is the fundamental difference right there. I loved her, she did not love me. Its easier to walk away when there were no feelings involved, or hadnt been for a long time. But then that also, leads me to understand how I was just a convenience. After what I read in those whatsapps, and no, I'm done appologising for that, I dont feel bad, I will never be able to share with her again. I will never be able to talk to her, and be open. This may be a rehash of what I've written in the not to distant past, but I dont care, this isnt a story book. When I cried on that couch, and told her this was my world, my everything. And when she told her mom she feels bad, and her mom telling her the only reason I was crying, was because I would have to look after myself, was the breaking point. I had finally lost the war for my wife. What I thought was us as a family unit, was actually just me, against three selfish, self absordbed women. I was actually on the outside, and had been for a while. All the 'I love you's, fake, all the hugs, a pretend. All, a lie. and apparently, an acceptable one. And Leilanie doesnt understand it. And I dont understand, how Leilanie expects me to just, walk away, yet still be there. For four years, I made sure there was a photo album for each year. Parting promises: Ill send you photos regularily! For June, 5. And I know photos are being taken, I see the profile phots change. So much for promises, but then again, am I surprised? No, not really. I'm not writing this out of surprise as much as writing it because I said it would, and waited for it to happen. Didnt take long.
I guess, ultimately, Leilanie never understood me, and me her. I tried my best too though, but I threw a blanket of 'love' over the things that bothered me most, and always hoped and believed in the best for us. Was I happy? For the most part, yes. I dont believe you can be 100% happy 100% of the time, but our percentages, well for my part, were higher than the unhappiness. Leilanie doesnt understand me now, in this moment. I asked her, many times, many years ago, never take me for granted. And thats where we are now. I was all in. Thats just how I am. In, or out. She asked me to leave that family circle, yet expects me to leave one foot behind, standing there for when she needs me, like a butler awaiting her call. And she doesnt understand that I'm not there anymore. I also, am doing my best to remain decent and polite, for a lack of better words. But I think there is a time coming, when there is going to be an expectation of me to....do something? Say something, somehow, be there, and she is gong to turn around to an empty space in her life. I wont be there, like she thinks I am. And that, is going to be on her. And thats not bitterness, it's just the nature of the situation. The nature of people not listening, carrying on, and then later seeing "Oh maybe thats what was meant'. Kind of like the old saying, hind sight has 20/20 vision.
My new Friday evenings. I'm almost done. Im almost finished emptying out everything inside. Throw it all out, but dont prepare this space for anything else. Just leave it clean. No preparations. No Planning. This place, guess it will just stay empty. There was a lot in here. So much. It all grew, over grew. The greatest tapestry of interwoven life. But it was stripped down. Torn down. Words. The sharpest of life's scissor's. Cut and Cauterized. And theres these, little thoughts, little memories that try take hold, try grow up out of the dust. They get in the cracks and for a few days I find myself living in some sort of dream world. Its only so long until theyre gone as well. And as much as I want to send this to the world, let it out, it will stay here. Its bluntly obvious now no one will ever understand this.
