I can only laugh....

The time I have spent, worrying and caring, and just spending time on other people, and their emotions and feelings. It over now. And I'm actually not angry. I just, understand that better now. I'm here, you are there. And any relationship is a two way bridge between those points. The fact remains, I am here, always have been always will be, but I'm not making changes to build that bridge to get you anymore. I'm here, if you want this in your life, if you want any of this in your life, then you build the bridge, you come and get it. I'm not carrying it all anymore. I'm not building it anymore. YOU, do it.

And I see now that, as much as I carried on, and cried and vented, it was never really my place. I guess, I have my own little dream going on, but ultimately, I cant control others decisions. They either want to be here and be part of this, or they don't. And the stories, their stories, well, those are their stories. Not mine to tell or try be part of. I guess I could try be part of them, sure, yeah. But I'm tired of that. I don't see anyone trying to be part of this story, so I'm going full blown selfish. Fuck you all. And oh man, I'm playing with fire here. ALL. So sorry but this is our time. I have to focus a lot of energy into whats going on in this life right now. And no hard feelings, no expectations. Those who are meant to be here, will be. And any stories later of "oh but...", well guess we will deal with that then. I tried, today, the last week to make a plan. I changed the venue, yes my bad, only for concern about my family. And now this drama. And I'm tired of it. I'm not doing this anymore for anyone else. I put in the effort, and if it wasn't good enough, well then I guess I'm sorry? I guess, I'm done? If you cant see my efforts, then how how long, for what must I carry on? For your 'Grace', for your 'Presence'? Sorry, I'm just done. You are either here, or there, and if you are there, then hey, that's also cool, go for it. But be....THERE then. Don't come after the fact with whatever bollocks stories.

It looks like I may be alone now

No views, no check in's.....am I alone here now? Guess it doesn't really matter, this was never meant to be a public forum. Mannnnnn just so much over the last three months. To try deal with, comprehend, just....come to terms and grips with. I left the house a week ago today, as in LEFT left, with a bag, packed with clothes. And yes, I am back now. I could'nt leave my bug behind. Love him too much.

My personal relationship, right now with L, is...hesitant, its on new ground. And we are both treading carefully, which is good, and also......just makes questions. More than answers, so again, taking it day by day.I do love her, I just don't always understand her I guess.

Gifts given

Sometimes, a gift given unexpected, or unasked for, does make the difference. I got a gift today of 4 bottles of wine, for a job I didn't have to do. It was nice. And then, the shit storm began........

L got A a rat. A for real, fucking home pet rat. You know, I wouldn't be.....no not angry.........just.....disappointed if......there is no if. I'm looking for accommodation here in the area. I'm done fighting, and I'm done lying down. The arguments in my head right now are overwhelming, but one things for sue, I'm done.

L asked "oh but what must I do to make it right?", and she doesn't get it. Its not about making it right, its about what was there, and you just ignored it. I'm not bitter, I'm not angry. I've reached a point where WE all have to ask ourselves what the reality of the situation is. And from my part, well, I'm done. Congrats, you win. I'm just done. I'm going to walk away. DO what you want, when you want, however you want, its all cool, decide and do.

Aiden, no, I'm not letting that little man go just like that. I will pay a price higher than heaven or earth for that little man, but I have realized that the rest......well carry the fuck on. All of you. Its always easier written than done, but I know these grounds. I've stepped on these mounds of disappointment and humiliation and 'a fresh start' before. I've done it before, Ill do it again. But as far as my lines go, my boundaries, I'm done.

Blah blah

Im drunk again. fending off this world from the view point I'm most comfortable in. It doesnt matter who reads, it doesnt matter whos sees this. All that matters is the actions. What you do. No, not me, im in whiskey land, you. It only matters what YOU do. Im.....Im just watching. All the people, you guys, persons sewing vocal niceties, yet, lacking in every way when it comes to actions. Perhaps this is my time too see who is close and who is not. Perhaps, this is my time to shut the fuck up.