A thought

Im told things happen for a reason,

And Im not sure of what to say.

Right now the facts I'm living,

Just making it through the day.

Yes I'm fine,

Yes I'm strong,

Im just not sure about how long.

But I do know

That I will live. 

Right now the words escape me

the ones I need to be free

The tangle, the rush

the pure blatant lack of hush

The running the pain

the hatred in my vein

the actions that have slain

all emotion feels in vain

STOP.

Breath.

The journey is still on

Look back where you're coming from

and see

You are not here

You're still moving to there.

The forest and the trees

The situation bends you to your knees

and you feel the weight 

and it crushes down

your only expression ever a frown

and the fists you hammer to the ground

to try and calm the heart that only pounds

STOP

Just Random

 I did like the kiss today

on my cheek

well my ear, but thats irrelevant.

Im just going to carry on. It meant nothing after all.

Just a moment you're feeling right now

Something you had to get out of your system.

Yep, I'm a mess. Its official. No point trying to hide it, or lying to myself. I'm drinking, nay, sucking down whiskey. Daily. I'm smoking, puffing like a chimney. I don't get out, I hardly move, everything is done here from the confines of this flat, on the laptop. I don't even write. Cooking feels like more of a chore than I remember. I don't enjoy it as much anymore. I failed my exam on Friday, and its been a whiskey fest since then. Time to look in the mirror, the rear view mirror, and realize this bus doesn't have a driver right now. 

I don't know what to feel. I don't know how I'm meant to deal with this. Yes, I've come up with a story that seems to make most people comfortable that "I'm okay". But I don't feel okay, I've never felt more far away from okay than I do right now. I also like to pretend that all is fine, have to try, don't I? But then, some things, out of nowhere, twang a nerve and I find myself just wanting to be on my own. Alone, far away from people. 

I know I come here to write, and it's mostly not positive. I know the therapist said I should stay away from this. It's here I break myself down, and that's a truth, but its here I feel most comfortable breaking down.