Im tired, but Im not done yet.

 Was a hard Bday. But I think I need to write. There is just so much to try write out, get out of my head. Sat came and basically cut the call. If you cant respect me as a human, how ever will you respect me?

Not fair on Aiden, I know, but I was SO miffed at it all. That, is totally on me. I just dont get how it works now? It seems, Im not allowed to be upset, or have any real feelings of my own. I have to give way of the wants and needs, of well Aiden. L doesnt care, and I get that. Whatever, but whatever I feel, and however I react, is a direct impact on Aiden, and that, yeah thats a horrible thought. But no one seems too see that? They can all carry on, no matter what they are teaching him on a daily basis, that doesnt matter? I cant bottle that up forever, and theres actually no one to talk too about it. 

Im just frustrated. I know there is so much more going on down there, but I have no influence or say. And no one tells me, so what am I meant to do? I mean, at this point, just walk away, or react. And how do I react? Throw your parenting advice go for it, remember Im 1400 KM's away. I have missed play dates, and phone calls, but am I really the bad person here, I also get invites and stuff. Not many (just how I like it) but they always cover a gap where theres meant to be Aiden time. But also, the amount of time Ive sat in this chair, waiting, for nothing. No call, no voice note (I never get voice notes anyway) nothing. Like I must sit in a box and just wait.

Im jealous of Mike, his daughter calls him at work to 'discuss issues!' and just talk. He always tells her, 'Daddys at work, I will call you later'. Maybe there are issues, but his kid reaches out to him, Aiden? No a breath of a word. 

Im kind of....well, black and white? Here or not. I know hes only seven, going on eight, but.....ok so.....There is no manual for this. I want to run to preserve my own sanity, but I cant just walk away? Not from him? There is soooo much he is going to have to learn before he leaves kid'ness. And I dont know how to approach it.

Maybe day by day is best, but I still have apprehensions about what he is learning over there when it comes to the world. I love him, but I can see Bratt roots growing, and that is going to become an obstacle between us. The way he talks to L, and friends, and behaves. 

Thats enough for one night. Someone is watching this, reading this, and Im not sure who, or why, or if Im comfortable with it, to be honest. Just one person. Hey if you have an opinion, let me know. I thought I locked this down to be private, but I must of missed something somewhere. And thats fine, these things happen for a reason.

Happy Birthday to me...

 Well thats it, 48 birthday almost wrapped up and done, and TG for that. Im just getting old, I appreciate the wishes, but man I get the shits with having to constantly monitor 'social media' to say thanks. Im 48 FFS, its not a big deal 

But the sting....yes theres a sting. I got birthday wishes from ex-inlaws, which I politely thanked and moved on, but the one Birthday wish, the one I really wanted the most, from my son, missing. I dont so much care that Leilanie didnt wish me happy birthday, but if she doesnt, my son doesnt. I dont know what to make of it. I am upset. Not gonna lie about that. The fact that her own mom and sister wished me a happy birthday, says something. And maybe Im a troll, and maybe unfairly so, on Aiden. But dont come happy birthdaying tomorrow, or whenever your mom or sister or whoever reminds you. The boat has sailed. 

If you cant do that, then I guess no more really needs to be said, does it? Sure, again according to social law "but why didnt you do anything?" rules....fuck that. I am not going to remind people of something like my birthday If you dont remember after a 15 year relationship, then you simply dont remember. Its the impact on Aiden that bothers me. He is going to learn, and grow up with the same attitude. But Im tired of worrying now. If the universe is so powerful, then well....guide him. My prayers have gone unanswered for more than a decade, so maybe he has more gusto in him, if anyone ever taught him to pray. Im goin to have a whiskey, and more after that, because ultimately, after this birthday, it doesnt really matter.

Just a rainy day

 It rained through the afternoon. The late afternoon. As the sun set there were still drops falling, lightning crashing, but all further away from here.

I left the door open that day.The breeze was cool, the sounds of rain soothing, just to let this air out, let it clear.

And in those moments there are no radios, or mssgs, or phones. Its just an open door looking out at the world. The thing with storms here, at the right time, like now, is the light. Its not just a beautiful sunset, but all the light turns golden. Even if you dont look at the sunset, the light itself is golden. It doesnt happen often, but when its does, its the perfect moment to dial out of the world.

Just tired

I'm just tired.

I'm tired of the memory of you.

I'm tired of missing the past

I'm tired of thinking of what we were

Its easy to say look forward

Its a breeze to just turn those eyes up front

Or is it?

I dont want too.

Im just bumping my head in to could and should and would

And those lines are just so blurred.

Would.

Has been taken away. Thats a choice that isnt there anymore.

Should.

What I can and cant do.

Could.

The things that could still happen, and the things that could've been.