Change is in the air. That dreaded feeling, that calm, that granite resolute. That hardline stance, that cold stare. It's all here. The signs from before. It feels the same as the last time. When theres a storm brewing, and the perception shifts, subtly, but with a force that is felt.
When looking back no longer hurts. The old questions, the frustration, the sadness, it's all gone. You look back, and you just don't feel it anymore. All you feel, is the decision. Although, it's strange. It's not a decision yet, it's a decision thats coming. But you can feel it like the g-force in the cockpit of a fighter jet. Pulling your innards down. You know the words that are coming, you know the questions, the answers, the point of view, and all of it, you know is just a game. You know the blame that will come, the scolding, the lamenting, the punishment, but it is going to come anyway. And you lie down. It doesn't matter what anyone says, how anyone feels, you just let it wash over you. After all, what else is there left to take when everything has been given? Deep down, you finally make peace with the idea. You finally accept that there is no more fight, and nothing left to fight for. Some would argue that, and they may be right. But fighting costs, and at what cost, would this fight come at? What I'm typing doesn't make sense, but thats fine. It makes sense to me. This is me, mulling over how I feel, so it's a disjointed conversation in my head and only parts of it being written down. Im tired of not feeling good enough. Im worn down. I'm tired of those who insist "thats not what we mean' as they carry on with 'You need to earn more money'. I'm tired of the norm of 'I lie to you because thats normal'. And thats where above comes from. You just reach a point, the edge. There is no going back, and forward is just a jump in to the unknown.
Why do people feel so draining? Why do ppl call me and think I care about their shit? Like now, what makes you think I want to about all this utter kak? It's one of the things that drains me. Random people calling and ending up telling me their whole long ass stories that I couldn't give two shits about.
I am good enough. I am worthy, of my own, and others respect. I know I don't earn huge amounts of cash, but I'm tired of being measured on that. The conversation started last night. I told her maybe she should go with her mother and sister, and we just call it a day. There has not been much reaction, and Im not entirely surprised. I think the thought was there for a while, but no the balls to say it. 'Oh but what are you going to do'.....please, don't play the caring part now. I will be fine. I always have been, I always will be. In these middle age years of my life, it's clearer to me now that I am actually just meant to be on my own. Every time I try fit in, every time I remould myself, and change, I end up giving it all away. All of me. Slowly, out of 'Love' i will concede to others wills and wishes, and slowly, they just start doing what they want, when they want. The warning signs are there, the bells in my head and I intervene. "Please don't take me for granted', 'Please stop just doing what you want without at least talking to me first?', 'Please stop making decisions for me because you thought you could". And then, a week like this week arrives. The above paragraph. You wake up one morning, take stock, and groundedly see the plain facts, with out the veil of 'Love' clouding your vision. You make me feel not good enough. You say I don't do enough. You say I'm not motivated. And you do so through your family. I thought we were on the same level. I thought you knew me. I know I don't make millions, but I did make a lot of your dreams come true, even though I never shared the same passion as you did for them. But that counts as nothing. That was part of the deal with getting married, wasn't it? I must just do whatever you need, irrespective of my feelings involved in the matter. How long did you think I would let you carry on mistreating me that way? I know I am about to pay a price thats is higher than I will probably ever be able to repay. I will ultimately lose access to Aiden. I don't care for having to pay my own rent for a shitty flat or whatever, or insurance and medical aid and all. Its losing him that breaks me, and I have to ask, do I back track for that reason alone? Do I just swallow myself, bury my feelings as deep down as I can go, forget about them and just......carry on? What is the honest answer there?
I just dont CARE STEPHEN!!!!! Jesus Christ I havent been online 5 minutes and he calls to moan about some stupid fucking report thats incorrect. we all know the reports incorrect! And round and round and round he goes just pointing out the same thing over and over and over For Fucks Sake I dont have patience for this today.
And there it is. The moment. In all its bareness. She wants out. A better life for A, does not include me.
Its a strange feeling. To be right, and instantly regret it. So many things I want to ask and say, and in the same breath, is it any of it worth it? But A, that hurts. That hurts a whole world, and I cant do much about it. And no one will ever understand. Im fucking livid, and calm. Im confused, and yet, so much makes sense. I fucking hate life. I fucking hate all of this. Its just a game. A self serving game that I've actually just never been good at. Maybe this is the karma wheel turning. Maybe finally its just my turn and now I get to burn a bit. I just dont know.
People are fucking cockroaches. A hint of drama and they are there with their slimy little feelers out. Of course 'Because they care" but bluntly because they need the story, they need the details, they need to have their opinion. Cockroach fuckers. More and more I want to slip away from this all.
Well I called that bet. L and A would spend the night at moms tonight. L whatsapps, A wants to stay, so she is going to come get clothes and stay over cause sis has to work late. Whatever. Next bet: How long till it becomes permanent? A week. Thats not an exact date like a week from today, but within a week or so, that will come up. Im not a fucking idiot. And again, I get irritated because this is some of the last time that I get to spend time with Aiden. And for people who 'Still care' they are doing an outstanding job of showing it. Oh wait, no. Thats me again, thats all just me NOT understanding right? Sorry, what was I thinking. Man, I'm so fucking tired.
Its all just broken. Almost a week to the day, and the mess laying around both of us......immense. And probably not much anyone can do to come back from this. So much I want to ask, so much I want to say sorry for, and simply not going to bother. You reach a point where you just look around and see it all for what it is. The now broken mess thats pretty much beyond repairing. Im doing mu level best, to be civil. But Im only human. I wish the shoe was on the other foot, just so we could see the perspective of the other, but thats out right wishful thinking.
You can take a horse to the water, but you can't make it drink.
