A special night.

Cant say I didnt see that coming, but also cant say I saw it coming. And so many questions along with it. And even fewer answers. But I guess, this is where the 'healing' process begins. Even now, right here. So much venom that wants to come out of these fingers. But what would be the point? Its the sadness that gets me. Thats worse. Aiden is to leave my life, and that is pretty much that. Sure, "contest it!" said every person with money. Theres nothing to contest. Even if I did have the money, I would probably not be successful. 

To Leilanie: I guess Im sorry that I was such a useless husband and father. Im sorry I depended on you as much as I did, thinking it was ok and that you were ok. Im sorry I couldnt provide for you, the way you wanted to be provided for. Im sorry I thought I actually ever was part of your life, but that is something I have been wondering about for many years, even before we got Aiden. Tonight I guess just confirmed suspicions in me for a long time. Im sorry you feel that telling Aiden he can only see his ouma every once in a while is more than you can bear, but telling him he wont see me for much longer periods, is totally acceptable. 

To Aiden: Im sorry that two adults, could put you in this situation at your age. Im sorry for being so hard on you and only ever shouting at you, as your mother says. I was only ever trying to teach you. 

There is so much in pain that wants to come out now. Its all gone. Over. No work on it, no try again, and yes, as usual, all my fault. Have I not been on this all my fault bandwagon for a while now? So she decided today, after her therapy session, thats it's over. Tells me, then pulls the ' But I still love you' line. Dont piss on my bushes. You dont get to wipe my existence, the last 12 years of my life, and what ever happy hopes I had for the future, out the fucking door, then 'I still love you' on the way out to make yourself feel better. It doesnt work like that. What did you think you would walk in, drop that on me and we would just carry on 'happy happy' till you leave me in your rearview mirror with our son? Its sad when you realise that the happiness you were living in, was actually another's misery. And it's strange to write that looking back at how much complaining Ive done about it. But isnt that life? Strange?

The shock waves have cleared from Tuesdays bomb. The smoke, blown away, the dust settled