Dec 2020

 I've been wanting to write for such a long time now. But every time I get a gap, and sit down, its blank. There's things I want to say, to put down. But every time I sit down, it's a case of 'What's the point?'. I can pour hours in to writing stuff down, and then....what? Nothing changes, nothing happens. 

So instead of  new post, every day, just one long ass one, posted every once in a while. Today, been thinking about changes. My changes. And of those, there have been some. Maybe good, maybe bad, but changes. And change is as good as a holiday, isn't it? Ive given up on people. Ive stopped putting as much effort in as I used to. It was a hard change, one I wasn't comfortable with I guess. And no I don't mean to sound sanctimonious and better than thou. I just reached a point of seeing, understanding, and making a decision. I will invest my time, my harmony, my patience and basically sanity, in those like minded. So far, I have not met any, and I'm perfectly fine with that. Im tired of talking, asking, negotiating, and mostly, of listening. To the bullshit, and then what turns out to be lies. The contradictions and shades of grey that people live in, and having to deal with it. One person rushes to tell me of the "Dirty old man hitting on her", only to sleep with him the next week. The one who makes promises and in myself, I call it as a promise to be broken only to be proven right by that persons next action. Im tired of having expectations of people. Not high, just basic, human decency expectations. We have become a bunch of whiners and liars. Our only cause, our own one, what I feel comfortable with, what I believe, what I want, and I have finally surrendered to it. I too, am important. I need my space, I need my walls, to protect me from you. Your savage onslaught where I have to be emotionally and physically available but only on your terms. When you don't need me, I must just be there, in the back ground, being quiet and unobtrusive. But when you need me, I must awaken from that little corner and be dedicated to your voice, your ramblings, your problems and 'be there for you'.

It's over, I don't do that anymore. Too many of those closest to me are guilty of that, and so, those who are not close, do not get that privilege. And those who are close to me, and are guilty, I have spoken to you about this, and as usual, it has been swept under a carpet. Only time can tell what will happen there, but a frayed mat can only be stepped on so many times before it wears right through.

I'm finding people to be very draining lately. I don't know if it's me, or them. I can honestly not say when last I saw a phone call, or message pop up that made me go "Oh hey glad 'x' got a hold of me!". Every glance at my phone comes with a groan, or a sigh, and very often the outright act of ignoring it. Its like, every one wants something. Always. It's like I said above, If i really look at what is expected of me from people, I see very little in it for me at the end of the day. Want a gaming session? Sure, but then I must spend my morning doing it, because thats when it's night time your side, and your family is gone to bed. Or during the week maybe, during work hours? Sure, cause then you're not working. Because you know, my work isn't really that important. See? Now is that me?  

6 Aug 2020

Im supposed to be doing so much stuff. Theres a list as long as my arm today, but I just dont feel like doing anything today. Instead, I find myself sitting here just staring at the laptop screen. Its not that I didnt sleep well, I actually slept pretty well last night, but Im just tired. And i think its not the kind of tired where sleep is needed that Im feeling. 

I guess its just with everything breaking recently, Im tired on a deeper level. The tumble dryer, the fridge, the washing machine, then the drains, and the roof leak, all just one kak thing after another. Its like, can i get a friggin break please!?

Promises and Lies

I don't know if there is any blame to share out. I don't know if there is any sense to the whole situation, that isn't a situation, but is a situation to me. I don't know how much I am just seeing, versus how much is really something. I used to know, but it, me, have become so diluted I don't know anymore.

Its stuff thats been on my mind for 2 yrs now, things Ive spoken about, so many times, only to be made out to be the bad guy. The lies, the broken promises, where am I really left? If I say anything, then I don't understand, then I am grumpy, or negative. I never thought I married this person with no accountability. And when things start cracking, when signs start appearing where I knew they would, then theres surprise and confusion at what you see. 

And at the end of it all, I don't understand, I'm unreasonable for getting upset. I don't understand how it works, thats all. If you carry on buying things, and just giving him what he wants, are you really surprised when he just wants more, and what he has isn't enough? Have we not been to 2 Dr's who said the same thing? And pointed out the same issues, and courses of actions that needed to be taken? And where are we now? Both Dr's, all the advice, ignored. And the pattern, the routine continues. And if i dare open my mouth, then Im always the one who is saying bad things. We don't even share the same room anymore, does that not tell you were we actually are? Through all the I love you's and Thank You's, do actions not speak louder than words?

When we fought about animals, and i asked, begged you nicely, please don't get another one, what did you do? Get another one. More and more, and I've said this time and again to you, I don't really have a place in your life. IN YOUR life, not an add on that I currently am. Someone who's just there for the family photos and the occasions a father figure may come in handy. Ive said so many times, I am not part of the decision making process when it comes to our child, and have fought with you about this. 

Im tired. Tired of it all. Honestly, I'm scared because I am very close to just walking away, and thats even with the thoughts and considerations of our son. And no matter how many times I have tried to talk to you, there is no change. 

This whole piece is a mess. Unstructured and meandering, just like the thoughts in my head. Im going to leave it here, and maybe in time I will sort it out, as I hopefully will sort out whats flying through my mind. Maybe Im just having a bad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better, and I'll feel the strength to carry on, and just smile and nod at all the lies, and broken promises. 

Apparently a covid thing

Well here I am, the whole world's changed, but not much in my life. Its still just.....churning on. Everything that was wrong before, is still wrong now. I dont know the emoji for a shoulder shrug. Just taking it one day at a time. One...half at a time. One quarter at a time. Fuck, ok. one hour at a time. One minute at a time, every 30 secs at a time. Just watching, just analysing, just shoulder shrugging, one teeth clentching, nail ripping, moment at a fucking time.

Im calm.

Dissociation

Im feeling better these days. Not ecstatically overwhelmed with joy. But more,curiously calm. Certain things that would normally have bothered me, just dont really bother me that much now. Its not the raging fire inside it normally is. And its not an unseen change either. Little things. Little mannerisms. Things that make my wife ask 'are we still ok?' and of course, the answer is yes. How could, or would it not be ok if I agree to everything? And that's the little change I'm talking about. Right there. I'm not saying that out of anger, or frustration or even sarcasm. Ive just started treating people the way they treat me. Im reserving my right, to treat others with no more, or less, respect than what they treat me with. And people dont understand why.

There are little things I asked for, and did, that to me, just dont seem that important anymore. They serve no real purpose other than to keep me busy and others content. Take away those things, and people start asking 'Whats wrong', and nothings wrong. I'm merely putting in an equal measure of effort now. And I understand why people are the way they are. We're all geared for maximum gain with minimal effort. And I'm comfortable with that, to try that suit on for a while, just run with it. 

And its calm. Thats the thing, I dont know if the words I'm writing convey the calm. Like, just understanding things a bit better, seeing things differently. I asked for perspective, and found it. I found some inner peace in my own life. There's no real explaining it. If you want to talk, talk. If you want quiet, then say nothing. I dont have much to say these days I guess.

29

I don't know why I write what I do. It's not that I don't feel that, but somehow, its also only the negative I tend to write about. I think, on some level, it's the writing it out, down, that gets it out of me. That either puts in to perspective, or puts a distance between me and 'it'.

Jan 2020

I'm getting used to the idea, of just playing a roll. Of not really mattering. Every once in a while there's a pang, an out burst of emotion. But that will fade. I must just play my part. Clean, fix, try be a good father.

There isn't much to write. Its all self pity and not understanding. I don't understand. I can scream against the wind but the wind will always win. There's not really much else to do when you one day realize that, deep within yourself. You just stop screaming. And it fades, slowly. "Yes ok." your standard response. "Ok I'll do it" a close second. No space for opinion, or a say in anything, simply because I don't understand. And its my fault. I'm not involved enough. And on that, maybe its true. But I don't know how to be. It feels strange to me. I struggle with it.

The amount of words, that have come out of me in the last 3 years. Uncountable. The amount of words, sentences, meaning, love, questions, asking for guidance...ignored? The exact same number. That's the self pity. Evil twisted little thing. Its not about me. Its not about sending mssgs and not getting a reply. Its not about doing things and not getting a thank you. Its not about trying and not getting recognition for it. Its not...about...me. Its not about expecting any of that, or getting it.

I drink. I drink too much. But somewhere in all this, it makes sense. 10 Am and I'm on my 4th whiskey, because it doesn't matter. I can still sleep this off, and get the things done that need to be done, and life will carry on. It doesn't matter that I asked how things are going, and got no answer. It doesn't matter that I also cared about today. I'm alone till 3 PM, I shouldn't expect anything till then. Its on me, I shouldn't have expectations. That's on me.