Promises and Lies

I don't know if there is any blame to share out. I don't know if there is any sense to the whole situation, that isn't a situation, but is a situation to me. I don't know how much I am just seeing, versus how much is really something. I used to know, but it, me, have become so diluted I don't know anymore.

Its stuff thats been on my mind for 2 yrs now, things Ive spoken about, so many times, only to be made out to be the bad guy. The lies, the broken promises, where am I really left? If I say anything, then I don't understand, then I am grumpy, or negative. I never thought I married this person with no accountability. And when things start cracking, when signs start appearing where I knew they would, then theres surprise and confusion at what you see. 

And at the end of it all, I don't understand, I'm unreasonable for getting upset. I don't understand how it works, thats all. If you carry on buying things, and just giving him what he wants, are you really surprised when he just wants more, and what he has isn't enough? Have we not been to 2 Dr's who said the same thing? And pointed out the same issues, and courses of actions that needed to be taken? And where are we now? Both Dr's, all the advice, ignored. And the pattern, the routine continues. And if i dare open my mouth, then Im always the one who is saying bad things. We don't even share the same room anymore, does that not tell you were we actually are? Through all the I love you's and Thank You's, do actions not speak louder than words?

When we fought about animals, and i asked, begged you nicely, please don't get another one, what did you do? Get another one. More and more, and I've said this time and again to you, I don't really have a place in your life. IN YOUR life, not an add on that I currently am. Someone who's just there for the family photos and the occasions a father figure may come in handy. Ive said so many times, I am not part of the decision making process when it comes to our child, and have fought with you about this. 

Im tired. Tired of it all. Honestly, I'm scared because I am very close to just walking away, and thats even with the thoughts and considerations of our son. And no matter how many times I have tried to talk to you, there is no change. 

This whole piece is a mess. Unstructured and meandering, just like the thoughts in my head. Im going to leave it here, and maybe in time I will sort it out, as I hopefully will sort out whats flying through my mind. Maybe Im just having a bad day. Maybe tomorrow will be better, and I'll feel the strength to carry on, and just smile and nod at all the lies, and broken promises.