I have a desire to write. I just dont know what. I also have a desire, not to feel, and Im working on that. But Im scared. To feel nothing, is a large....void. But to feel what I feel now, is a heavy burden. 

Weights and scales

The ability to fail

And own that emotion

Not drown in devotion

to another.

Not to blame

Not for gain

but how to walk 

away from this pain.

For a while there was meaning. There was a goal, even if it wasnt power or money or fame. It was Aiden. He refreshed me, he mae me see the world different, through the eyes of a kid again. And now, not even a merry chrostmas, or a photo of him opening presents. Nothing. We spoke today, he was upset about some or other garage trip and toys or something. I gave up. And Im sad about that. I didnt like the way he was talking to me. And today, for the first time, I drew that line with him. If you talk to me that way, I will go away. Am I being unfair to him? I cant talk to him with L there. It feels like he watches his words. He randomly said today 'Mama huil oor jou', which was immediately shot down by L. What was he saying, what was he trying to say? And thats the thing, was he saying anything at all? I dont want to say I dont believe my own son, but I find it hard that L would cry over me after everything that has transpired, unless it was because she was frustarated/angry with me.

Dear God

 You know all about me. I dont have to explain it all, again, in writing. You know whats going on inside me. I wake up its there, I work and its there, I go to bed and it overwhelms my mind. You know what Ive done, what Im doing, and how I feel. How do I change it all? How do I feel like I did something right?The frustrating thing about letters like these, is that I do have the answers. You have given me the answers, so maybe my questionn is, how do I do it. I know what to do, I dont know how. I dont know how to let go of the hurt, the anger. Both at the world and at myself. I dont know where to look to find that ray of light, or hope. Every which way I look I just feel frustration, drained, irritation. ANd its taking its toll on me. I need to be.....better? You know what I mean by that, I need to get better, because im not well on the inside. I take responsibilty for my actions. I have not helped the situation, I let it get me down. But right now, Im really down, and I need a hand up, please. I will try to rectify whats mine to fix. Keep the promise I made to him. But please let it go easier between him and I? It breaks me when he says he doesnt know what to say, or that he doesnt want to talk. The conversations are getting shorter, the words carry less meaning, I feel like we are drifting apart. 

Roses and Granite

You're soft and warm

A rose petal storm

Beauty defined

with not a single thorn.

I'm hard

Skin thick

A granite brick

And openly admit I can be a real prick.

But your storm wears my edges

Smooths away rough ledges

Turns the granite in to light

Eases a mind thats full of fight.

Candles And Gowns

 It was never meant to be an eveing,

As intense as it was with you.

The simple plans of good company and food,

Out the window it all flew.

Candles alit, a and the slightest touch....

and in a moment we both knew.

There is a moment

Blobtober

 Oct 2021

Im feeling down today. Woke up and just, didnt have it in me. No spark, no will, no drive. I feel tears begind the lids again today. Drinking doesnt help, but it does. Ive started drinking earlier and earlier these days. Why? Because I can. And because its that or.......? I dont like going out, I dont like being around people. There is  no valid excuse for how Im behaving. 

And off to CT we go. Having a whiskey because I'm early. Got some headphones so can at least listen to better music than what's currently playing. I dont know if I like being here or not.The people are interesting, and watching them is intriguing. So many stories, so many lives. And we hustle and bustle past one another, all on a mission. I wonder how many other people stop and look, and wonder about all the stories, all the missions, all the energy for lack of a better word. I wonder why I like being alone so much. Given the choice to be alone, or be in company, well I probably dont have to carry on with that sentence. Im looking forward to seeing Aiden, a lot. Not sure what we are going to do this weekend, but Im sure we will keep ourselves busy. L asked if she must stay or go to her mom, and I dont know. I want to spend time with Aiden, just us two, but she is sick so feel its a bit kak kicking her out of her own place. Been wondering about just going full accomodation and car hire and all. Problem wit that is I cant afford to do it every month. Guess we will have to see. Cant wait till he is old enough to come visit me. Just us two knocking about having adventures. :) Think it will be easier then as we can travel more, and have a bit more freedom. But one day hey.

Just remember this

 In the land of predators, the lion never fears the jackal. 

The difference between a breeze that moves the leaves and a wind that moves the branches

Its not new this whole feeling

Im not the only one.

This inside scream Im hearing

I wish it all was done.

---

Im about as deep as a petri dish

But alot of cultures growing.

Its interesting to look inside

And see what people'r growing.

Its very simple really

when you look from up above

too see the cultures blooming

 

Schlep-tember

 Yep. another month. Apparently my birthday one, and keeping a low profile on that shit.

Been building uo too this day, and let me just say it and get it out of the way. Im tired, just so tired. But today, 7th of September, it ends officially. And as i look back on this 12 year journey, well thats all I can do, look back.

Bit maybe this is where the difference comes in. Yep, I'm tired, bit its a different tired this time. Tired of being 'wrong', tired of other peoples wants and needs being fulfilled before mine. Tired of putting other people first, only to get a kick in the teeth as they pass me by. And thats all cool. I mean, if you make ure face a walk way for others, can you really be surprised when u lose a tooth or two? So yes, tired of being all those other things, so its time to be something else. Something, someone, I'm comfortable with. And fuck the rest. Not horribly, not like a big fuck you, just a... Hard NO to anything I dont like anymore. No more compromise, no more trying to be fair, or nice. Time to listen to Adam Roa. Time for me to treat me, like someone I loved. Done putting that attention in to others, and always feeling good for helping and being 'fair' while I nurse another bloody mouth. Perhaps today is a turning point. I'm not going to fooo myself by saying 'yes I'm done with smoking and drinking!', it's a different kind of turning point. And there will be consequences, there is for everything. Bit Ive accepted the consequences of my decisions for so long now, thats not a new concept to come to grips with for me. 

Been swinging gently from day to day

Just trying to get through

Its ended and its over, but what did it mean to you?

12 long years, I thought were good

Now broken at my feet,

Nothing more now, than a mash of trampled sleet.

All the good has gone with it

Its hard to face each day

and even though I smile and nod

I wish I could go away.

I've watched Netflix, youtube. Scrolled through more FB than I care to remember, and slowly, just started scrolling. Hardly watching anything, or stopping to read posts, just aimless scrolling. Everything I see iritates me, or bores me. People invite me out, want to spend time with me, and when the moment comes, Im just not in the mood. I dont feel like people, or having them around me. I can handle the occasional visit from Ian fro coffee, but just dont feel up for any other interaction.  SOmethng inside me is broken. That something needs healing and I dont know what to give it. Im drinking horrendous amounts of whiskey, and while I do care, and worry, I also dont. I dont give a rats ass. My breathing has def gotten worse this year, I find myself out of breath often now just sitting in my chair. And I say that with a smoke in my hand. I'm enjoying my plants. The one thng I do enjoy when I do finally get up and plant them. I need to come right, but I dont know where to turn. Ive been thinking of doing ICAS again, going to Judy. I know what needs to be done, well where to start I guess. But I just dont have the courage or motivation to do it.And I need help with that.

I dont know if writiing helps or not. I think it does, but Im not sure. If I look at what I write, which I actually dont because I wrote it and know, its not....happy. Its not 'ok'. Its morbs and self pity and Im getting the feeling that writing that, and then dwelling on it, is like planting a seed. Im not saying I shouldnt write, but maybe I just write about the good things I do see, the things I enjoy. And there are a few of those. Its like my focus is on the bad, the sad, the negative.Im also not saying ignore those feelings entirely, but just....dont look at them as much, for as long?

Its just dirty and obsolete.

Arrgghh-Gust

 Another month, another rambled, unstructured, meaningless posts. But better than nothing, right?44 years old, and its all changed and so much stayed the same. I kind of get that better now. Ive always hed that feeling, but understand it. The scene of the drama may have changed, but the nature of the drama itself, very little.  

I've been here before, when Agnes and I got divorced. But there, I asked for the divorce, I left. And here I sit. Although the physical situation is better than last time, a one bedroom flat vs a room with a bathroom seperated by a garden, all still the same. Here I sit, writing some usless trash.

Bit of a bender last night. Bit of a release. I dont know how well that phrase actually fits, as most nights turn in to benders these days. The emotional melt down, those are happenng a bit more regularily. I can write about how I need to change till I'm blue in the face, the fact is nothing will change on its own. And I'm the one not stepping up and doing it, not changing.

My own ALERT

Im thinking things I shouldnt. 

Im feeling things I shouldnt.

The hole I once found solace in

Is now the hole I find myself in.

The alert is for me.

This isnt a safe place

But it doesnt matter the poison says

Nowhere was ever safe.

Ju-Lie

 I want to write. But it's a;ways the same old shit. It's like being trapped, in a loop. The same thoughts, the same feelings. The same everything. And I dont knwo what the point is, or would be. Will I ever change? Really change? Will I ever get over the constant push and pull of 'I need to change' vs 'Why must I always be the one to conform, to change?'. 

Looking back on the last 12 years, has been an eye opener, in some ways. I feel so stupid for putting up with all of it, alwys having hope, belief that we were stronger than anything that would be put before us. I feel stupid for how wrong I was. Maybe, I am actually the naieve one. I know it takes time to work through somethnig like this, the 'trauma' of it, and I've already done one month on my own, which is from where I am measuring. I know that journey is long. But I dont feel like lifting my head right now. I dont see a horison with a bright new day break. I see a horizon of low hanging dark, cold clouds. Theres nothing to look up too. Im so angry. At myself, at the world. Im loving my flat, this pandemic, because it is the perfect escape for me. My own small space, filled with just me. Maybe I am a narccisist. My space, all on my own. Maybe I'm not. Maybe, I'm just really, deeply bruised right now. 

I'm angry because I dont think L understands what I went throguh, in this mind of mine, deciding on having a child. Adopting a child. The decisions, conditions changes I went through, on the inside, in my world, to agree to that. And in one day, one moment she took all that away. How in her world we're still 'best friends' and cant unserstand, or see how much I despise her. And I know how this story plays out, I dont understand. And she is right, I dont understand. I wish I had the ability to switch off as easily as all that. And perhaps, that is the fundamental difference right there. I loved her, she did not love me. Its easier to walk away when there were no feelings  involved, or hadnt been for a long time. But then that also, leads me to understand how I was just a convenience. After what I read in those whatsapps, and no, I'm done appologising for that, I dont feel bad, I will never be able to share with her again. I will never be able to talk to her, and be open. This may be a rehash of what I've written in the not to distant past, but I dont care, this isnt a story book. When I cried on that couch, and told her this was my world, my everything. And when she told her mom she feels bad, and her mom telling her the only reason I was crying, was because I would have to look after myself, was the breaking point. I had finally lost the war for my wife. What I thought was us as a family unit, was actually just me, against three selfish, self absordbed women. I was actually on the outside, and had been for a while. All the 'I love you's, fake, all the hugs, a pretend. All, a lie. and apparently, an acceptable one. And Leilanie doesnt understand it. And I dont understand, how Leilanie expects me to just, walk away, yet still be there. For four years, I made sure there was a photo album for each year. Parting promises: Ill send you photos regularily! For June, 5. And I know photos are being taken, I see the profile phots change. So much for promises, but then again, am I surprised? No, not really. I'm not writing this out of surprise as much as writing it because I said it would, and waited for it to happen. Didnt take long. 

I guess, ultimately, Leilanie never understood me, and me her. I tried my best too though, but I threw a blanket of 'love' over the things that bothered me most, and always hoped and believed in the best for us. Was I happy? For the most part, yes. I dont believe you can be 100% happy 100% of the time, but our percentages, well for my part, were higher than the unhappiness. Leilanie doesnt understand me now, in this moment. I asked her, many times, many years ago, never take me for granted. And thats where we are now. I was all in. Thats just how I am. In, or out. She asked me to leave that family circle, yet expects me to leave one foot behind, standing there for when she needs me, like a butler awaiting her call. And she doesnt understand that I'm not there anymore. I also, am doing my best to remain decent and polite, for a lack of better words. But I think there is a time coming, when there is going to be an expectation of me to....do something? Say something, somehow, be there, and she is gong to turn around to an empty space in her life. I wont be there, like she thinks I am. And that, is going to be on her. And thats not bitterness, it's just the nature of the situation. The nature of people not listening, carrying on, and then later seeing "Oh maybe thats what was meant'. Kind of like the old saying, hind sight has 20/20 vision. 

 My new Friday evenings. I'm almost done. Im almost finished emptying out everything inside. Throw it all out, but dont prepare this space for anything else. Just leave it clean. No preparations. No Planning. This place, guess it will just stay empty. There was a lot in here. So much. It all grew, over grew. The greatest tapestry of interwoven life. But it was stripped down. Torn down. Words. The sharpest of life's scissor's. Cut and Cauterized. And theres these, little thoughts, little memories that try take hold, try grow up out of the dust. They get in the cracks and for a few days I find myself living in some sort of dream world. Its only so long until theyre gone as well. And as much as I want to send this to the world, let it out, it will stay here. Its bluntly obvious now no one will ever understand this. 

A thought

Im told things happen for a reason,

And Im not sure of what to say.

Right now the facts I'm living,

Just making it through the day.

Yes I'm fine,

Yes I'm strong,

Im just not sure about how long.

But I do know

That I will live. 

Right now the words escape me

the ones I need to be free

The tangle, the rush

the pure blatant lack of hush

The running the pain

the hatred in my vein

the actions that have slain

all emotion feels in vain

STOP.

Breath.

The journey is still on

Look back where you're coming from

and see

You are not here

You're still moving to there.

The forest and the trees

The situation bends you to your knees

and you feel the weight 

and it crushes down

your only expression ever a frown

and the fists you hammer to the ground

to try and calm the heart that only pounds

STOP

Just Random

 I did like the kiss today

on my cheek

well my ear, but thats irrelevant.

Im just going to carry on. It meant nothing after all.

Just a moment you're feeling right now

Something you had to get out of your system.

Yep, I'm a mess. Its official. No point trying to hide it, or lying to myself. I'm drinking, nay, sucking down whiskey. Daily. I'm smoking, puffing like a chimney. I don't get out, I hardly move, everything is done here from the confines of this flat, on the laptop. I don't even write. Cooking feels like more of a chore than I remember. I don't enjoy it as much anymore. I failed my exam on Friday, and its been a whiskey fest since then. Time to look in the mirror, the rear view mirror, and realize this bus doesn't have a driver right now. 

I don't know what to feel. I don't know how I'm meant to deal with this. Yes, I've come up with a story that seems to make most people comfortable that "I'm okay". But I don't feel okay, I've never felt more far away from okay than I do right now. I also like to pretend that all is fine, have to try, don't I? But then, some things, out of nowhere, twang a nerve and I find myself just wanting to be on my own. Alone, far away from people. 

I know I come here to write, and it's mostly not positive. I know the therapist said I should stay away from this. It's here I break myself down, and that's a truth, but its here I feel most comfortable breaking down. 

May, be losing my shit.

 I am starting to wonder if Im losing my shit here. Im finding it hard to focus on anything. Im treating L, and A differently. Like Im going in to some sort of hibernation, emotionally. While with L, Im not really bothered, its different with A. He is innocent in all this. But I am finding it hard to, I dont know, relate? To feel close to him? And it does worry me. My only goal is to get out of here. I dont feel comfortable here any more. I feel like the poor bird I sit next to every day. Caged in a place Im not wanted, yet unable to leave. And very realistically, unable to leave. With L having tied up the house money till the end of May, I am literally on a shoestring budget. I dont know how I am meant to afford a move in the middle of this. I dont know how I am meant to keep the lights on, in the middle of all this. I dont know how, I am meant to put food on the table, in the middle of all this.

There are bouts of intense fighting in my head. Venting, raging, shouting, and nothing happens on the outside. It all stays in. And then theres bouts of calm, and reasonable. But the bouts of anger, are by far starting to beat down on the moments of calm and reasonable. Every time she comes near me my neck hairs stand on end now. And I remember what she has done to me. What she did to our family. Everyday she proves again with some action, that her words are utter nonsense and that I have no reason to trust her. A day out for a birthday, not the effort of one photo of how much fun Aiden had. Oh I heard all about it, how wonderful it was and how and what a little man he was, but not one photo. She is cutting me out of his life entirely. And she doesnt even see it. I am waiting for the phone calls to become less for whatever reason she thinks of. And for when the monthly visits become harder to arrange because they are just not convenient for her. Because I am also just a remonder of how badly she treated someone else, for her own selfish wants.

April's Fool

New month. New struggles, challenges, surprises and good things as well. Told L that I am going to get a lawyer, as we are obviously both on different pages as to what is expected, what is going on, and the general fairness of the whole situation.

Fuck New definition to the words 'Long Weekend'. L is just plodding along as if all is normal and fine, and man I struggle with that when I really want to do is shout at her. But I cant, for the sake of Aiden. But fuck man, it's hard to just sit here and say nothing. And it's like, I can see the cracks. I don't know how she is going to cope with A on her own, and a house hey. I look at how she operates here, and Im just not sure. And I worry about Aiden, and how he is going to be raised. The lies as well. I have been pushed to the limit of not believing a single word that comes out of her mouth any more. I physically have to reality check myself to make sure I'm not over thinking, or over analysing or just seeing things wrong here. 

Im seeing a different angle to this. A lot of our disagreements these days, are over the raising of Aiden. Yes, I am more strict than L. Time and again proven by herself how she can not say no to anything, and that there are threats, but no actual consequences to his actions, and it worries me. I will put him in time out, and I will raise my voice at him when he misbehaves. Part of this divorce, is not having to deal with me when I 'shout' at Aiden. Because apparently that's all I do. It's also free rein to do as she pleases, when it comes to buying him horrific amount of toys and just utter crap because he says so. There is no boundary with L, when it comes to A. 

Its a fucking rollercoaster. Not the fun kind either. The one where the seat belts not secure, fits properly, and the ride hasn't been maintained in years. What's meant to be an adrenalin ride that that gives you a rush, turns into a rush that very could be your last loop de loop. Genuine sigh of relief when you make it until you see the 500 meters of upside down twirl ahead. That's where I'm at. Its ups and downs, calm moments inside and out, and moments of pure anger and poison. That night was Wed the 7th of April. We tore each other down. In the most insensitive, raw, hate filled way. Things were said, curses were thrown and voices raised. But its over now, and there's a deeper meaning to that one sentence. Doors that have closed for good. Sealed by the heat of that discussion. Its going to take time to make peace with all of this. There is no quick fix. I start thinking of this and that anger boils. But baby steps, I'm starting to see past it. The injustice of this, the confusion, the hurt. And there is probably chapters that could be written on it, but right now its just survival. Its just getting through this, day by day and making sure I make it to the finishing line in one piece. I'm tired on so many levels. And I think I may need to conserve my energy for the future. 

Im finding it hard this morning again. Watching how A is allowed to behave, and no repercussions. I have to pick my words carefully here. One of L's 'reasons' for this whole mess, is I only ever shout at Aiden, not true, yet there it is. I am seeing him turn in to a brat. I have taken a few steps back, because I dont want to spend the last of my time with him being the disciplinary father who 'just shouts'. And he runs amok. He does what he wants, when he wants, and tantrums if he doesn't get his way. And that, makes me sad. He is just a kid, and needs to be taught how to behave, and act. It's not a matter of just letting him do what he wants, when he wants, and thinking oh he's just a kid. Or is that just me? There are few boundaries with this child. I have watched how for 4 years everyone just jumps when he snaps his fingers. How there are hardly any 'No's' and those that there are, are quickly ignored and reverted to 'yes'. He hits the dog, I kick the dog out. He cries, L lets the dog in. No consequences for his actions. What does he learn from that interaction? When I say no, it normally doesn't last. And when it does, then I'm the bad guy. I just don't get how it works. What am i meant to do?So now, I'm standing back. Hit the dog, throw things at mommy and me, I just walk away. And again, then Im in the wrong. Where is the right spot then? I feel bad because ultimately it is Aiden who is suffering all this. Sure, L and I are up each others nostrils, but it feels like some of the important foundations are now being ignored because our divorce is overshadowing whats actually important: Aiden.

Well, here we are. Definitely in this game now. Lawyers. And a whole different story to to be told there. Just get the feeling that this is where the cloak and dagger really starts.

As usual, I'm just tired. Been smoking and drinking way too much, but right not cant think of giving that up with all thats going on, sorry. I know it's bad, I know how this all goes, but right now, I'm just not seeing it. My mind wont shut down to the betrayal I feel, by L. I know this is going to take time, and I'm doing my best to be 'amicable', or polite, but I'm finding it harder and harder to maintain composure. I think L is starting to see who I can be to people when they are on the other side of the fence. She only ever saw the me that cared for her, and went out of my way for her. Donald who lived with the lies, and just carried on. Donald who let you do as you pleased in every situation, because he was trying to keep you happy. And in the background, how happy was I really? Let's be honest. Let's take off the mask and be honest with ourselves. You haven't been happy for a while, have you? No, but I plastered it over, with Aiden, and being content. I had my moments with L, the buying of toys, the decisions being made with out my input. Maybe, Ive actually seen this coming for a while, and have been throwing up red flags for a while now. Who I was throwing them up for, L or myself, I don't know. There is so much I want to write about today, but I'm tired, as I have already said. I feel like I've just been thrown to the curb. Its like, L has no deeper emotional connection to anything. I look at how she is treating the people around her, and I see a level of emotional hollowness. Mom and Aiden are the only things that matter. Literally nothing else matters. The dogs, the cats, if it cant come with, oh well, just get rid of it. The worst, Khalua and Dobie, destined for the vet for euthanasia. Oh well, they old anyway, just put them down. In my mind, thats just cold. Yet, if I look at how she is treating our marriage, it all makes perfect sense. As long as its convenient, it can stay. But if it takes a bit of work, ag just end it. All these years she has never been committed to us, only ever herself and her wants and needs. And because I am a sucker that was worried about her happiness, I gave in, gave up with fights and let her get her way. Fucking idiot. She said it in one of our fights, to my face "you were spineless". That bothers me. The connection between giving up how I felt to make her happy, being seen as spineless. But these people dont take accountability for their actions. Not once, ever. A half thrown out 'ok I'm sorry' was pretty much the height of any actual apology I have ever gotten. It hurts to still want to share, and have to actively stop myself. 

The Long March

 A bit of time gives a bit of perspective. Although it's only been two weeks, it's been two weeks of everything changing. I hate the word amicable now, and I'm learning it actually just means 'as long as everything goes my way'. Ive learned what selfishness truly looks like, both within myself, and from other people. Those who claim to be doing things, and actually believe their own bullshit stories. The facade is falling away and the bare bones of what IS are starting to show.There are good days, and there are bad days. Days my heart just wants to melt and wither at the thought of not being around for Aiden. And there are days where it's cold and hard, a true fuck you to the world. 

Not sure what today is. Theres the fuck you to the world, but gentle. Just go away, go on, whatever, but not the sadness of Aiden leaving. I could cry an ocean at losing him, after everything we went through to get him. But those tears would get me where? There is so much that needs organising and sorting, and I don't think Leilanie is actually aware of whats going on. She's living in some dream where all there is, is moving to CT. Now more than ever, I see how she treats me, and then holds me responsible. I see the expectation when she leaves, of me still being.....sympathetic to her cause or whatever, like we are going to get divorced, and Im still going to be 'there' for her? And is it unreasonable of me to say no? Just no. Im not saying I will be difficult, or unnecessarily horrible, but surely the expectation cant be that you pull up everything, throw it all in the trash, and then expect me to still be a shoulder to cry on? Maybe Im being over confident in how much I think I mean to her. But comments like 'Oh, you know I'll be calling you for IT support', pointed me in a direction of thought. What makes you think I will be there for that? Oh wait, I can see the next line "But its for Aiden". Aiden is going to become the reason everything that needs work or effort, will become my problem. Perhaps I'm just over thinking it, who knows. But sentences like that prickle my defence systems. 

It irritates me that now, theres a long look with a smile, the caress of a cheek now suddenly. The hug, the 'I still care'. I find it offensive. Again, you rip up everything in our lives, tear it down fast and nasty and then come with stuff like that. How am I meant to react to that? Lovingly? With care and concern? Im genuinely curious how it is you are expecting me to react to that?

I woke up broken today

I woke up defeated, depleted

Reserves of emotion defeated

I cant listen to the radio. 

I cant hear the people talk

I see blurry images of them, as toward me they start to walk

Always asking something

Always wanting more

I'm empty. I'm drained

walk away, I do emplore.

But they dont get the message

they dont see the signs

getting what they want and need

their only true design

Fuck you D, dont really care

If you're broken or unwell

I'll smile you right in the face

and bid you fucking well.

but only so if you give to me

the usual care and love

for my needs and attention

outrank yours from way above.

And even though I tell myself

Its just a phase of down

Its also a case of feeling I'm about to fucking drown

Today feels better. L and I had a good go at one another again last night, and that lit the fire again. Not feeling down or depressed today, which is nice. Going to spend some time at Ian's because being here is what's bringing me down. Pretending all is ok, when its not. The expectation that I will just carry on doing all the things I've been doing for 12 years while you make your plans to walk away. Im not the greatest supporter, I know this. But you know what, I gave what I had, without question. What I did bring, cant be measured all in cash. I know this, that's all that matters.

Been a long weekend, and not the kind where you have an extra day off. Long like, having to just keep your mouth closed and smile and nod. I'm worried about the half baked plans being served to me as 5 star starters. I watched the virtual tour, and enjoyed, every, animated, minute of it? Looks splendid. Its animated? Maybe today was just long. Kami, got rehomed, she's gone, the first of many. Chase cant go to the new place, she's too big. Again I get to watch everything torn down brick by brick. A couple of 'heartfelt' tears from L and I just watch. Shed the tears, shed the pain. Your bill is paid. Simple as that. Ian said something interesting the other night, made me think. Look at the upbringing. How many times Ive not asked to hold back on the toys. How many times Ive been told 'But I grew up with lots of stuff and I'm fine'. Full stop. Right there. Are you fine? Throw away these animals lives because they don't suit your now dream. Pretty fine if you ask me. And not just animals. Me. I served my purpose here, just like Kami, and the rest. But we are all disposable if we don't fit in to "The Dream". So many words for here, but I'm tired, upset, and just, fucking hurt right now. Typing all this out, drains the shit out of me. It's whats in my head, it's how I feel, but only a very few could ever comprehend this. Never, ever again, will I be used like this. 

One long ass weekend. And the finality of me moving out confirmed this morning. Told L I don't think this 'amicable' living together is working, and ultimately, it is affecting Aiden. He's not stupid, he can feel the tension. And it breaks my heart to see him acting out in the only way he knows how. By being crazy and trying to make us laugh. See its moments like these that the water works start. My heart breaks for him. Yes, he can be a little shit sometimes, but he's a kid, he's meant to be. 

In three days its been a month. Things said, both ways, things changed, both ways. But now its time for me too look after me. I love A, I will miss him. But realistically, hes gone. Off to live another life under different circumstances. A life where, I truly am a token dad. Remote dadding my way through his life. And you know what, thats ok, I guess.  Ive made a kind of cold, resolute peace. It is what it is. Strangely, L think's we will still be friends. Strange how after 12 yrs of being here, L still doesnt know me. Being "amicable" for now, but when alls done, well, then its done. If it doesnt concern A, well then good luck? Its the way it is with me. You dont get to rip this out by the roots and expect it all to stay the same?

I'll accept my part in this story. You cant and still use the same voice to cry fair. But i thought this is what relationships were. A bit of work, a bit of effort. A bit of putting some effort in. Turns out, I was wrong. It's just, all over. One person walks in to a room, makes a decision, and it's done. BAM. And the shock, is horrible. I thought we were happy. I thought you were happy. But you were so down and out emotionally that it all had to end. And now, 1 month later, I guess I've made that peace. We have spoken about aspects, things, actions, non actions....all of it. And I've seen for myself how it goes now. And now, it's my rules. My way. And thats not hard ass, simply how it is. After all the times we fought about lies, and trust, and her saying 'But you don't trust me!', FFS, really? After all that, all the proof, and you get angry because I don't trust you? Give me REASON to trust you. You have given me nothing but lies. And I am meant to do what with that? But it's ok. This wheel will turn, it will grind me down as its built and meant to do, but it will do the same to you. Difference is, I guess I'm ready for it. I can say all these things, and pretend and talk, but ultimately, it's A my heart goes out too. He has to go through this. I don't think he fully gets what's going on, and I don't blame him, he's (again) 4. Fucking blame. What it all boils down too. All of us blaming the other party is what it boils down too. And it gets tricky from there. Strip it all down, and who is to blame? Take the battle wings off, the helmet and the war cry, who is accountable for what in this sticky situation?

I find days like today hard. The mood to talk, and smile, and be agreeable just isn't there. Nothings really been answered, time is ticking away, and it's like, nothing is happening. I need to get out of here, out of this space.

It's not that we are fighting, but it's just not the same. Polite, but not the same. I'd rather sit here and type then sit there awkwardly and pretend its just TV time. And maybe it is me. I am sad it came to this. For whatever reason, for whatever blame and portion thereof is mine, I'm sad it ended like this. We have had bad moments lately, but also good ones. Fairly, less good, but still. But it doesn't feel like Leilanie is sad in any way. But let me not start. I managed to finish Aiden's book today, as in totally finish, its ordered, not sure how long it will take to get here though, can only hope before the first week of June. They leaving the 3rd of June, flights booked and all. So thats the day it officially all changes. Oh well, at least thats one set date to work on.

Who cuts deeper? And is it worth it in the long run? I do. Not because of any other reason other to understand. And sometimes those strands removed, nerves disturbed, and only my own, reveal a bit of truth for me. I'm not sure if I'm hurting. I'm not sure about a lot of things these days. Perhaps I'm getting what I asked for, perhaps its Karma rolling the big wheel. I don't know, but here I am, and feeling it all. And that's fine. I'm still feeling. Guess that's a start. 

Everyday I wake up, and the mood chooses me. I envy those who get up and 'decide' todays going to be a good day. It very often just doesn't work that way for me.

After a long day today, I sat down and cried. I faced me, my problems and this whole fuck up situation, and just cried. And mid way, I saw L, peacefully sleeping after 'not feeling well' today. And in a heart beat, it all changed. No one else is crying Donald. No one else is feeling, anything other than their own dreams and ambitions. Why are you crying, why are you sad? I was sad for what was, and now, what will never be. But fuck it D, no one else is sad about those things, so again, why are you sad? There was no one. not one. I cried alone because that is the way it is. No one, cried with me tonight. I am alone ultimately. And that's ok, All of those I speak of have been through a lot, and they also cried alone. And I am not innocent in that. I let them cry alone, and perhaps that's why I'm here now.

A special night.

Cant say I didnt see that coming, but also cant say I saw it coming. And so many questions along with it. And even fewer answers. But I guess, this is where the 'healing' process begins. Even now, right here. So much venom that wants to come out of these fingers. But what would be the point? Its the sadness that gets me. Thats worse. Aiden is to leave my life, and that is pretty much that. Sure, "contest it!" said every person with money. Theres nothing to contest. Even if I did have the money, I would probably not be successful. 

To Leilanie: I guess Im sorry that I was such a useless husband and father. Im sorry I depended on you as much as I did, thinking it was ok and that you were ok. Im sorry I couldnt provide for you, the way you wanted to be provided for. Im sorry I thought I actually ever was part of your life, but that is something I have been wondering about for many years, even before we got Aiden. Tonight I guess just confirmed suspicions in me for a long time. Im sorry you feel that telling Aiden he can only see his ouma every once in a while is more than you can bear, but telling him he wont see me for much longer periods, is totally acceptable. 

To Aiden: Im sorry that two adults, could put you in this situation at your age. Im sorry for being so hard on you and only ever shouting at you, as your mother says. I was only ever trying to teach you. 

There is so much in pain that wants to come out now. Its all gone. Over. No work on it, no try again, and yes, as usual, all my fault. Have I not been on this all my fault bandwagon for a while now? So she decided today, after her therapy session, thats it's over. Tells me, then pulls the ' But I still love you' line. Dont piss on my bushes. You dont get to wipe my existence, the last 12 years of my life, and what ever happy hopes I had for the future, out the fucking door, then 'I still love you' on the way out to make yourself feel better. It doesnt work like that. What did you think you would walk in, drop that on me and we would just carry on 'happy happy' till you leave me in your rearview mirror with our son? Its sad when you realise that the happiness you were living in, was actually another's misery. And it's strange to write that looking back at how much complaining Ive done about it. But isnt that life? Strange?

The shock waves have cleared from Tuesdays bomb. The smoke, blown away, the dust settled 

Feb2021

 Change is in the air. That dreaded feeling, that calm, that granite resolute. That hardline stance, that cold stare. It's all here. The signs from before. It feels the same as the last time. When theres a storm brewing, and the perception shifts, subtly, but with a force that is felt.

When looking back no longer hurts. The old questions, the frustration, the sadness, it's all gone. You look back, and you just don't feel it anymore. All you feel, is the decision. Although, it's strange. It's not a decision yet, it's a decision thats coming. But you can feel it like the g-force in the cockpit of a fighter jet. Pulling your innards down. You know the words that are coming, you know the questions, the answers, the point of view, and all of it, you know is just a game. You know the blame that will come, the scolding, the lamenting, the punishment, but it is going to come anyway. And you lie down. It doesn't matter what anyone says, how anyone feels, you just let it wash over you. After all, what else is there left to take when everything has been given? Deep down, you finally make peace with the idea. You finally accept that there is no more fight, and nothing left to fight for. Some would argue that, and they may be right. But fighting costs, and at what cost, would this fight come at? What I'm typing doesn't make sense, but thats fine. It makes sense to me. This is me, mulling over how I feel, so it's a disjointed conversation in my head and only parts of it being written down. Im tired of not feeling good enough. Im worn down. I'm tired of those who insist "thats not what we mean' as they carry on with 'You need to earn more money'. I'm tired of the norm of 'I lie to you because thats normal'. And thats where above comes from. You just reach a point, the edge. There is no going back, and forward is just a jump in to the unknown.

Why do people feel so draining? Why do ppl call me and think I care about their shit? Like now, what makes you think I want to about all this utter kak? It's one of the things that drains me. Random people calling and ending up telling me their whole long ass stories that I couldn't give two shits about.

I am good enough. I am worthy, of my own, and others respect. I know I don't earn huge amounts of cash, but I'm tired of being measured on that. The conversation started last night. I told her maybe she should go with her mother and sister, and we just call it a day. There has not been much reaction, and Im not entirely surprised. I think the thought was there for a while, but no the balls to say it. 'Oh but what are you going to do'.....please,  don't play the caring part now. I will be fine. I always have been, I always will be. In these middle age years of my life, it's clearer to me now that I am actually just meant to be on my own. Every time I try fit in, every time I remould myself, and change, I end up giving it all away. All of me. Slowly, out of 'Love' i will concede to others wills and wishes, and slowly, they just start doing what they want, when they want. The warning signs are there, the bells in my head and I intervene. "Please don't take me for granted', 'Please stop just doing what you want without at least talking to me first?', 'Please stop making decisions for me because you thought you could". And then, a week like this week arrives. The above paragraph. You wake up one morning, take stock, and groundedly see the plain facts, with out the veil of 'Love' clouding your vision. You make me feel not good enough. You say I don't do enough. You say I'm not motivated. And you do so through your family. I thought we were on the same level. I thought you knew me. I know I don't make millions, but I did make a lot of your dreams come true, even though I never shared the same passion as you did for them. But that counts as nothing. That was part of the deal with getting married, wasn't it? I must just do whatever you need, irrespective of my feelings involved in the matter. How long did you think I would let you carry on mistreating me that way? I know I am about to pay a price thats is higher than I will probably ever be able to repay. I will ultimately lose access to Aiden. I don't care for having to pay my own rent for a shitty flat or whatever, or insurance and medical aid and all. Its losing him that breaks me, and I have to ask, do I back track for that reason alone? Do I just swallow myself, bury my feelings as deep down as I can go, forget about them and just......carry on? What is the honest answer there?

I just dont CARE STEPHEN!!!!! Jesus Christ I havent been online 5 minutes and he calls to moan about some stupid fucking report thats incorrect. we all know the reports incorrect! And round and round and round he goes just pointing out the same thing over and over and over For Fucks Sake I dont have patience for this today.

And there it is. The moment. In all its bareness. She wants out. A better life for A, does not include me. 

Its a strange feeling. To be right, and instantly regret it. So many things I want to ask and say, and in the same breath, is it any of it worth it? But A, that hurts. That hurts a whole world, and I cant do much about it. And no one will ever understand. Im fucking livid, and calm. Im confused, and yet, so much makes sense. I fucking hate life. I fucking hate all of this. Its just a game. A self serving game that I've actually just never been good at. Maybe this is the karma wheel turning. Maybe finally its just my turn and now I get to burn a bit. I just dont know. 

People are fucking cockroaches. A hint of drama and they are there with their slimy little feelers out. Of course 'Because they care" but bluntly because they need the story, they need the details, they need to have their opinion. Cockroach fuckers. More and more I want to slip away from this all.

Well I called that bet. L and A would spend the night at moms tonight. L whatsapps, A wants to stay, so she is going to come get clothes and stay over cause sis has to work late. Whatever. Next bet: How long till it becomes permanent? A week. Thats not an exact date like a week from today, but within a week or so, that will come up. Im not a fucking idiot. And again, I get irritated because this is some of the last time that I get to spend time with Aiden. And for people who 'Still care' they are doing an outstanding job of showing it. Oh wait, no. Thats me again, thats all just me NOT understanding right? Sorry, what was I thinking. Man, I'm so fucking tired.

Its all just broken. Almost a week to the day, and the mess laying around both of us......immense. And probably not much anyone can do to come back from this. So much I want to ask, so much I want to say sorry for, and simply not going to bother. You reach a point where you just look around and see it all for what it is. The now broken mess thats pretty much beyond repairing. Im doing mu level best, to be civil. But Im only human. I wish the shoe was on the other foot, just so we could see the perspective of the other, but thats out right wishful thinking. 

You can take a horse to the water, but you can't make it drink.

 Yep. Another 'Brand New Beginning'. Enter 2021. Hardly a jump in heart beat, hardly a twitch in a facial muscle. It just rolls on in, no applause, no cheers from the sidelines. It was going to do this anyway, why pretend with cries of joy and hope. Nothing has changed but the digit at the end of a number. People: the same. Work: the same. Everything: the same. 

Things have changed. But a lot of things haven't. Im still sitting here, writing nonsense to try get a sense of calm. To try understand and to try comprehend. I haven't changed, at least not for the better. I have kept some promises I made, vindictive ones, subtly, but they have not changed anything. Have not made me feel better. I scream at the word change, because it always means I have to inevitably make room for someone else's comfort or well being. I have to rearrange my thoughts and ways to accommodate others, and yet see none of that kind of behaviour in others. So tell me, explain to me now, what change am I meant to look forward to embracing then?

Slowly but steadily, I am busy isolating myself more and more from....life? People? Guess everything. Im drawing ever closer inwards, towards myself. Anything involving any kind of interaction with other's, immediately brings out a dread and sigh and mutterings under my breath. Few and further between are the interactions I look forward to. 

The feeling of being upset, is getting too familiar. Part of just life these days. And yet, another vindictive promise made and to be kept.

Today, tomorrow

always look the same.

Waking up looking, for the next person to blame

It's always on the outside

you're always looking out.

The blame is out there somewhere

You never had a doubt

It never was your words

or your deeds

or thoughts or ways

Others just needed to listen

to hear

and then obey