NoT

Its never been an intention to make people sad with these things, these words. This is what happens on the inside of me, this is how is see things, experience them. It, just is.

I found a  song. It works for me, it explains a lot. How I see things, how I relate, what I want. Im not all that depressed or unhappy. I just sometimes put things in to words that....well.....are not always easily understood from someone else's perspective? Anyway, Darius Rucker - If I told you.

go youtube you lazy mofo. :)

Theres the hard line stance of lines. The right and wrong of life. The left, The right, the Line. My side, Your side.......that plain, hard, dark line. Its the line that divides, and segregates and groups. Shit man, Ive been around a while now, those lines are only ever the ones we draw for ourselves.Those are the lines we draw to isolate ourselves from whatever, to draw other to us to stand in that space to build us up, to make a space that is ours. 'Heres what Im comfortable with, and no more"

Hey Im the same, I'm no different from anyone else I guess. Its just that, its getting harder to draw that line. Its getting harder to step away. Its all grey to me right now. Right and wrong, good and bad, up and down positive and negative. I'm just finding it harder to try draw that line these days. I dont know what is me anymore. yes, all melodramatic by the sound of it, but is it really? If there are no lines to mind, if there is no right or wrong, up or down......what is left? If I took myself out of that comfort zone, if I stopped judging, and caring about being judged, ultimately, only one thing would be left. Consequence.

Consequence. Not nearly as intimidating as right or wrong, good or bad. but wow, what a word. It doesnt matter which side of any line ever, consequence is on both sides, consequence is there. So in a way, it doesnt matter what you decide to actually do, go ahead and do it. It's consequence that no one ever thinks of. Are you willing to live with, and take responsibility for that, the consequences of whatever action?

Ive been wondering now for a while of an action I need to take. Today, I saw an alternative. It still wont be easy, but still it may be an easier way to deal with things. I dont know how to breach this topic, how to approach this person, or how to drive a point home that needs to be there, without it becoming a whole different topic of conversation. I may have an answer, but right now, i guess only time will tell. The only thing Right Now, is am I willing to accept the consequences of this conversation? Can, and am I capable of handling whatever comes of it? I dont know. But I only have 2 choices, do or don't.

Again, consequences. If I do, I stand the choice of it being misunderstood, or misconstrued and it bruising a friendship. If I dont, and I leave it unchecked, more drama in the work space, and possibly much more. Which one am I willing to live with? And that's where all those lines get grey.

Its easy to look at lines, and put myself in a little box, a little safe place of self survival. But honestly, those lines are only ever drawn to try protect me, or who ever is standing on the inside of that line. Those lines define only one consequence, one in my favour. You're either with me, or against me, black and white. And as much as I love that idea, thats just not how it works. Its just doesnt feel right. Ah this is all getting grey, there is no point to this piece other than what Im seeing in my head. Gggrrrrrrrrr dammit, words are sometimes so hard to try find.

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I love the sound of rain. I love it even more after a few glasses of wine. It seems to, dull the world, block the outside out. Not going to say much tonight, don't have much to say I guess. Well, actually do, but there's a time and place for everything, and here is neither of those. Right now I'm happy that my back is all better, and the rest is getting there. I can enjoy a glass of wine, listen to the rain, and just chill.

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Strange days

I once watched a movie with that title. it was a bout the return of Satan and the anti Christ and all those action movie things. A good old Schwargeneggy movie. But.....real life can be even stranger.

Its so hard to try put in to words, to try and explain a feeling that kind of swallows all words and is still hungry for more. I meet people all the time, its part of my job. And then you meet someone, who isnt part of that job, or work, or anything you're used to, and they say "Hey Bitch, lets flip that shit up"

And here I am. That person who makes you try and think, make you draw a line between right and wrong, good and bad. A person who makes you think, makes you feel. But, like actually FEEL. there are so many intricacies in this story, but I'm not going to write them down now, or here. Life is strange, our choices more so sometimes. It makes me wonder about the whole cross roads story sometimes. The decisions we we make lead us left or right, and sometimes we go left when we should go right. It's...dammit, hard to explain. I know what's left, and I know what's right, but what if......just maybe, the decision is not based on logic and rational, but on feeling. It just seems we spend so much time thinking, and judging, and coordinating. Everything in it's box, and every box in its place. Who taught us that?! What happened to just letting go and feeling, feeling it all and  following it.

That's almost poetic. Its beautiful in its own way. The "fuck the law" rebellious following. But life.....isnt that what it is? Its hard laws, its hard judgement, its down right hard core in its way of putting you in a situation and patting you on the head while whispering a different story in your ear. This is life I guess. And through it all we can only just try keep head above water because the rules change daily.

A change in the wind

Im finding that calm in myself. Getting to that place where it's not about anger, or frustration or hurt. Its quiet. Its sticking your head out of that canopy of trees and seeing a bigger picture, being out where the air is cool and fresh. Its reminds me of the scene in The Hobbit, in Mirkwood forest when Frodo climbs a tree and finally reaches the top of the forest. Sometimes, often times, its so hard to get trapped below, with thoughts like  giant spiders that want to drain you to the point of exhaustion but not let you go. 

There have been things happening in my life, just things that have made me look up, try and get to that light I see above. And I'm enjoying that feeling of getting closer to the fresh air. Of getting closer to who and what I could be. Not fully realised, but that's a yet. So far its a subtle change in every day life, seeing things and noticing things and knowing whats worth noticing. Hearing the same things, but perceiving a totally different message. Its all changed.

And I like it.