Out of nowhere

Out of nowhere the words start falling,

Like lead slid off my tongue.

Of all the pent up feelings,

Of all that had been done.

It all came out without a mask,

No resistance nor remorse.

How the storm was real inside my mind,

Of how my feelings I had divorced.

And in the mess that all fell out,

The confusion, loss and yearn.

In that place I found a match,

And the will to make it burn.

Killing expectation.

 It's a nasty word that. Expectation. And its taken me long enough to realise how much I have depended on it. Living on, or in expectations. 

But its also dbl sided. I have expectations as welll, dont I? So...just a quick mental chart then...who has achieved my expectations? When I think of how I want to be treated, and things I want done for me, or to me, by virtue of expectation.....No one. 

So why am I still playing this game? Where is the world getting these balls to think I must just carry on giving, because soemone thought they seserved it? I see a tough time coming up, and for once, bring it on bitches. I dont sheath my claws anymore.

On the Eve of 47.

 Me, I had a good day. In about an hour I turn 47. Im in CT, visiting, mostly Aiden.

Ebb and flow

I hate the way you treat me

I hate the ebb and flow

I hate that when I touch myself

Its to you, that my mind goes.

I hate that I still miss you

And feeling you up close

I hate that you dont get it

that its you I miss the most.

I hate that things are changing

I hate that you dont see

I hate that it always hurts so much

That you dont know you were meant for me

I hate that theres no closure

I hate that Im in pain

I hate every day a little more

and I know that hate's in vain.

I dont get it.

 On Friday, I had a 20 min discussion about how I'm not performing, and my stats are looking so bad.

Today, I get a phone call about how I must be ready for friday because I'm apparently, employee of the month. But SSHHHH, dont tell anyone. 

Now how the fuck does that work?

Realization

 I realized I dont hate. Ive just realized my eyes are open.And the things I see, hurt me. It just hurt. Its pain. I deal with it the only way I know how. Just wait and it will go away. And it always does. But sometimes those scars, hell they take a while hey.

Just wondering....

 

I just wonder sometimes, when things like this pop up on my timeline. Was that smile genuine? Did you already know you were going to throw it all away? I tried, I really did. Im sorry it wasnt it enough. But I have to...I wouldnt even say move forward, I just need to find the now, the here. The Present.

For you

You never knew, your true impact on me.

You thought you were a passing moment?

Something I gave away for free?

I dont open up easy

I hardly ever cry.

But out of nowhere there you were

And I how do I not try?

I've been so quiet for oh so long

you thought I walked away?

I had to be quiet and shut my mouth,

and let you find your way.

I know it been a long time now,

since i gazed into your eyes.

But traveles world and life and all

its no real surprise.

I know you have those walls up high

I dont blame you one single bit.

I have my walls secured,

its almost a like its a fit.

10 July 23

 It's not like I know whats going on. And that's not sarcasm. After everything, I still jump through hoops and try and help and just....never stop and stand back. And ultimately, that is going to bite me in the ass. Just a feeling.

16/7/23

 And you thought it would be different? Its so beyond broken. And it always ever, only turned out to be trust.

That lacking trust. The trust that just wasnt actually there to begin with.

My anger issue? My Issue? I always knew it was there. As long as I played my part all was good. Anything off of that track, that path and it was my fault. I had to say sorry, I had to rationalise it, deal with it, because I was the bad guy.

The cracks did start showing. I started being more me. Just a bit. And then the storm came. And it was a storm. And it lasted. 

But its been a while now. And just when there was a ray of light, the clouds came in, and thats ok. It tore at everything, dislodged things that I thought were firmly nailed down, and thats part of life. Ever changing, thats life. 

Go be you now, and God help me find the peace and serenity to just walk. To stop wondering, and worrying, and caring, all those human things. Help me to look forward, not behind, and when I do look forward, not to see the things I do.

4th July 23

 I havent written something,

In what feels it could be years.

Somewhere the words got lost in me

Got drowned in all the tears.

But as with all, one day it all dries up

and I sit and stare out blank.

From this newly found dry ground,

From this river bank.

So much hurt, and so much pain

we both have undergone.

But nows the time I try to rise

and forget where this is from.

I dont think that you will ever know

How much you meant to me.

I could write it, paint it, shout it,

But I dont think you would ever see.

My life had meaning, with just us three

A family to begin.

I wish we never had to fight

or think we had to win.

The winning was in you and me,

and the little man between.

And all that has unfolded 

was almost left unseen.

But be as it may, life goes on

and now I sit here cold.

I never know whats coming next, 

or what will be foretold.

In a shallow breath I just need you to know

how much you meant too me.

How much I loved and cherished you,

but I guess you need to be free.

And that being said I guess Im done

No words left to explain.

But always know that I love you

But I'll shut up and just refrain. 

June 30th 23

I dont know why. Im tired of being that puppy. The vacation was good, it was really nice to spend time with Aiden. But, on some level, I can see it now. L came out of nowhere and said 'its not just because of your convenience that I like having you here.'

Where did she get that from? Thats how I've grown to feel, and understand things of late. Its only because of my convenience that all is cool. I check my phone, the whatsapps, and hardly ever is there a mssg from either of them. And it proves I'm the fool. Im the puppy. I'm always looking for a mssg. Or a .....something. A point of contact. Tonight wont be any different to any other night. There wont be a good night, or a voice note from either of them. Im the one sitting here like an idiot waiting. They are carrying on with whatever it is they do when Im not there. Tomorrow I'll get some BS 'sorry I forgot my phone on silent'. Maybe, well maybe, its time I forgot my phone on silent as well. Tired of being that puppy.

What was I thinking? Still, watching it all for any sign.You never meant anything to her. All those words, only count when you're there, and even then, with a strict limit. Why do you hound on, carry on, on this stupid road?Any person who cared for you, or meant something to you, would surely put more effort into being with you. And thats not even in a physical way, just a mssg way. A something way, and none of that is there for you. 

Dont be an idiot and try. Not on this one. You're just a piece on a chess board on this one. Walk away.

May2023

I guess I have to admit I do miss you. That I miss our life together. Doesnt matter what ppl say aboit how you treated me, I did it because I wanted to. I did it because I did, actually care.

It broke me when it all turned out to not be enough for you. So much so that it was actually used against me.