December blu......no, its not going to be that way.

Its been hard to try and shake all of this. To try and put perspective on it, and get back to what I guess you would call a normal life. It will never be normal again, lets face it. But, was it ever normal to begin with? The adventures Ive had and the people I've met.....I'll still have adventures, and I will still meet people. I had to shut down for a while. Had to look at the bubble I live in and rearrange everything in it. Review, repackage, re-prioritise everything. I know I had to say good bye, but I also have to watch this closely, I have to be that much more involved now. I have to be that much more focused now.

Its been just over two weeks now, and even now nothing feels the way it did. But it is changing. It is taking form. What needs to be done, what needs to be watched, the list of cans and can'ts, its all falling in to place. The tests all done, and man that was almost as tough as the news. I hate seeing the little guy cry for mamma and she cant come because she is crying herself. Hes taken a liking to throwing stuff at me. Little shit. But its ok, I understand if he hates me right now. Ive had to take him into every child's nightmare room on more than one occasion over the last two weeks. Maybe one day he will see that it wasnt any fun for me either, and I was just doing what was best for him. I'm sure as they get older, they see these things?

Ive been dying to write almost every day this week. But time just isnt on my side. And sometimes, in hindsight, its better that I didnt. Maybe its a quality vs quantity thing. But this is also the place that I get to vent and rant and try understand a little, without social norms confining me.

Time

So for the first time in 4 days I'm alone. Really, truly, alone. On my own. I'm drained. Not only by others but by whats going on in my own head. I think I need this space. To try and just, understand, come to terms with the last few days. Ive sat here now for almost 30 minutes, in just silence. Nothing on, small dogs here in the house so that they dont bark. just, the sounds of life I have no control over, but those are fine. Distant, un-disturbing.

Sometimes it feels ok, like there is light, there is a way, and sometimes not. I know there is no actual choice in this situation, it is what it is. But it breaks me when I lose those moments of light and hope. When I think to what exactly lies ahead for this little guy, and the struggles he is going to have to go through. The decisions he is going to have to make and how strong he is going to have to be. So young, and all these things lie ahead of him. Perhaps that is why I need days like today, to just sit in silence. I need to be stronger, I need to be there for him, and right now, I dont actually know what I'm doing. I need to find guidance, a direction, a path for myself, and him.

I cant stop seeing him, with his smile, playing in the pool or with his cars, and feeling such a....just a deep sadness for him. The times I've choked up and had to go outside so he, or my wife wouldnt see me cry. It just hurts, so much. But it passes. It slowly melts away and I realize again, this is where we are. There is no arguing with God, or life, or the universe. There is no anger at what happened. It simply is, what it is. And I see how I have to deal with all my own emotions before I can look at his. And I know how that sounds, but it makes sense to me.

I have to move past this moment of grief. But I cant just ignore it. I have to think about it, I have to face it, I have to have my moments of utter crushing tears. Holding on to them serves no purpose in my life or his. I just have to ride it out. Bite down when I feel those tears and let them out when they can just roll freely. I just have to give it time.

Red Letter Day

And so it all comes down. Been working on my 'positive thinking', my outlook on life, and then today comes along and just outright kicks me in the balls.A hard day, on so many fronts. Both seen and unseen. Just.....a Fucking Hard Day.

But I'm still working on my positive thinking. It will all be ok, it will all work out. Already had my first 2 fights, and hey wow, bring it on, my claws are out now. Its not about the fighting, its about so much more than that, but all of that, every little bit of it, is worth the fight. Its sad that there's even fighting involved, its not meant to be this way. But it is what it is. The details, and intricacies of the whole story, that's for another day. But I know why I'm fighting now, I know why I'm angry.

Flip side B. I know why I'm sad.