Time

So for the first time in 4 days I'm alone. Really, truly, alone. On my own. I'm drained. Not only by others but by whats going on in my own head. I think I need this space. To try and just, understand, come to terms with the last few days. Ive sat here now for almost 30 minutes, in just silence. Nothing on, small dogs here in the house so that they dont bark. just, the sounds of life I have no control over, but those are fine. Distant, un-disturbing.

Sometimes it feels ok, like there is light, there is a way, and sometimes not. I know there is no actual choice in this situation, it is what it is. But it breaks me when I lose those moments of light and hope. When I think to what exactly lies ahead for this little guy, and the struggles he is going to have to go through. The decisions he is going to have to make and how strong he is going to have to be. So young, and all these things lie ahead of him. Perhaps that is why I need days like today, to just sit in silence. I need to be stronger, I need to be there for him, and right now, I dont actually know what I'm doing. I need to find guidance, a direction, a path for myself, and him.

I cant stop seeing him, with his smile, playing in the pool or with his cars, and feeling such a....just a deep sadness for him. The times I've choked up and had to go outside so he, or my wife wouldnt see me cry. It just hurts, so much. But it passes. It slowly melts away and I realize again, this is where we are. There is no arguing with God, or life, or the universe. There is no anger at what happened. It simply is, what it is. And I see how I have to deal with all my own emotions before I can look at his. And I know how that sounds, but it makes sense to me.

I have to move past this moment of grief. But I cant just ignore it. I have to think about it, I have to face it, I have to have my moments of utter crushing tears. Holding on to them serves no purpose in my life or his. I just have to ride it out. Bite down when I feel those tears and let them out when they can just roll freely. I just have to give it time.