29 April

Its a catch 22. Im so relieved to be on holiday, away from work, but also a little down. There were plans for this week, that are no more. What am i going to do with myself now? Right now im preparing to just hibernate. Switch the phone off, snooze, light a fire in the evening and....... Hell I dont know.

Maybe I should go picnic at suikerbos, for old times sake. Get out to the quiet and write a bit. Maybe I should get blind drunk and just let time fly by between whiskies and snoozes. Who knows. Guess either way it will be almost like any other day these days: just get through it.

Its taking alot of self control to not whatsapp today.......

I love being drunk, and i hate being drunk. Both offer different value's in life. Right now. Im going to go with a ......love/hate. Just one aspect. And i cant explain it. I love it because it is so unique, so different. I hate it because it threatens everything I am. I love it because it makes me feel. I hate it because it will hurt everyone around it.

Days like these i just wonder why life is so complex. So full of decisions, and after effects that arent explained. Like taking out a contract with any person or entity.....that doesnt have an office. Its never really black and white. Its always shades of grey. Maybe, its the age old saying of The heart vs the brain. Maybe im not seeing anything new here, only what every other person on earth has seen at one point or another.

But the heart makes it so hard. Its hard to ignore feelings, for me. Its hard to see pain, and just walk away. Just wash my hand of it. hell, Im not claiming innocence here. I have my own pain and feelings to deal with. But thats just it, I have learned to deal with it. Last year, I went through a phase. Its not a secret, i did. I could write pages about the anxiety, the sadness, the anger that was there. if anyone put their mind to it, so could they. but this isnt about anyone else, its about me. Im not taking away or lessening what anyone feels by what I write. Thats not my place, or right, or ....thats so beyond any power i have. Its about me. Its about how I feel. it is in a way, selfish. Right now, im loving with all I have. I feel again.

Its so good to feel. too have that numbness gone. to have that anger gone. It hurts so much to feel.

I wrote this a while back, but never published it, probably should of put that in when I published this the other day, hahaha.

Another Sunday morning.

Well, ive been staring at the screen for 30 mins, and this is the first thing ive been able to write thats made any sense. Everything seems locked up. Everything seems to be an image or a feeling, a color or a smell. And for the first time in a long time Im struggling to find the words to explain it all.

Maybe its because, I dont know how i feel. Theres a lot to be happy about, theres a lot to be frustrated about, and theres a bit to be angry about. How exactly i feel, is the confusing part. Hahaha! Its almost as if feeling all that, makes me feel numb. Its looking into the snow globe, but theres so much snow floating around its hard to make out the object in it. So i guess, like with a snow globe, you just give it time and let it settle. Im hoping it will make sense over time.

Its a life. Its just that. A life. It has drama, it has ups and down, it carries on, always. Its a life.

I havent written in a long time, just because. I was silly to give away this private space. To reveal it. I cant be me, when I know this isnt personal anymore. It just is that way.

So I have to try bottle it up, I will bottle it up. Its almost like before, but not quite exactly the same. Ah my minds a mess right now, what does it matter?

I guess it has to matter to me, in the long run or it will just be another meltdown of sorts in the end. But......how do I not take all the shit hear, personally? Or rather, how do I pretend not to care? How do I pretend, not to feel? I mean, that is the basic crux of it all. I think I feel for others. Like I become their well of anger and frustration. They speak of things and I feel the anger. I feel the frustration. Its tiring. I have no self delusions about being special, or in tune, or any of that rediculous stuff. I just am. Im here, I am. I listen, thats what I do. Ive always been better at listening than talking. Perhaps Ive changed, perhaps its all changed cause now it seems people want to hear what I have to say.

Its been a year since I went down a dark road in my life, That road, was the accumulation of a lot of things I have been through. Seen, lived, felt. That doesnt matter now. There are people in the world, who have seen and lived and felt, a lot worse than me.

Im leaving a whole bit out now, but I dont really care about that at least. I listen, its what I do. Not take action or do, I just listen. Thats what it seems Im meant to do, no matter how frustrating it sometimes gets.