Me and fire, and why we shouldnt be friends

Goddamit....me and fire. Match made in hell, excuse the pun. Ive had adventures with fire before, sure. But Ive never turned my braai place in to a lava moat. Until today.

Man, it was meant to be a surprise, have a nice braai cooked meal for when wife gets home. SO i mission and do the shopping, get it all ready, and forget one, small thing. The smallest, yet most time saving thing: firelighters. No firelighters, means manual fire with small sticks and paper and nonsense that my time schedule wont be able to handle. But im a man of invention, a man of ideas! ....pity they sometimes shit ideas.

I saw a while back somewhere, prob on the internet or somewhere about starting a fire using candles. IE, wax. So apparently you can use wax to start a fire, pretty dam neat if you ask me, cause i dont have firelighters but i have spans of candles! Ok stop though, add to this, self lighting charcoal briquettes I bought 3 days ago because there were no firelighters when I went to the shops a few days ago. Just....keep that one in mind. I try to light the stupid stuff, it burns for a minute then it goes out, hence the need for some more power to that mix.

And out comes 6 full candles. Proud of my plan, I break that shit up in half, so 12 half sticks of candles, and self lighting charcoal. This shits gotta work!!! Light a dumb briquette, light a candle......place this mess nicely on top of one another so the flame from the briquette burns the candle, and the candle flame/hot wax burns and gets the briquette going....see the logic here? Makes pure sense......except that it turns out this lot, is nothing more than a time consuming way of melting fucking wax, and keeping it warm.

20 minutes.....20 minutes I feed this system.....wax, briquette......wax, briquette........feeling ever more hopeful that at some point I will reach the point of combustion, and have myself a decent fire going. Nada. Nothing. Bit of smoke, a pool of hot wax in the bottom of my braai, a little flame here and there, just to say 'fuck you Donald kak idea'......and thats where I reach.....the stripping. The stripping of my moer. FTS, i lock up the dog, grab the car keys, reverse like a maniac out my drive way cause this shit just aint going to work. I admit defeat, and go but firelighters, I mean im running out of time here man! Luckily the shop is close by, so it took me maybe 10 or 12 mins, return trip to get my goods, park in a narrow garage faster than I should and be back at my braai, firelighters and lighter in hand.

In my absence, one of the self lighting charcoals had managed to actually set alight, and keep a generous amount of wax under it, pretty liquid. Was very pretty, it being red wax, but still nothing was happening. I shove the grid aside, and place four very healthy, very fruitful blocks of firelighter, in to said mass of wet wax. Fuck you wax....check this shit......and I light the first piece.

Now I dont know the actual burning point of wax. Like, at what scientific point of degrees celsius it actually becomes self sufficient to burn like the motherfucker that it does, but evidently that firelighter did know, and didnt give a rats ass. It didnt care, it did exactly what it does at just the right measurement of science, and 'you just made a mess'. That shit got real. But like, real life REAL. the first block almost exploded, I mean are you meant to hear firelighters light with a gasp? Roughly 10 seconds later, the pool of hot wax is bubbling, which is pretty cool cause ive never seen wax bubble!....Wait....is it meant to bubble?

man that first spark of flame to wax was almost beautiful. Would of been more so if i had actually seen it because by this time 2, 3 and 4 firelighter buddies are all alight and theres just bubbling wax around them all. And its at this moment I realize....ek het kak aan gejaag..... that shit turns to water. The incline of my braai, although slight, is enough to make it run straight in to the second compartment of my braai place, yay another 2cm deep lake of deep red puddle!!!

Man, I must be a genius or something, not know my own inner strength or something. Maybe it was bravery, or out right foolishness.....but the next 4 pieces of fire lighter went straight in to that mess. And hey wow, I didnt even have to light it. It was seconds before the 1st, then 2nd, 3rd 4th one of those also just, found life in bottom of that steel barrel and I realized, again and somehow anew.....this was maybe a bad idea.

it was fucking spectacular. firelighters, molten wax, and self lighting charcoal, all doing exactly what it is meant to do...burn the shit out of everything. Like that whole area became a spawn area from hell itself with the intensity of that heat. I have never in my life seen flames reach that high, that fast, and that close to the rafters of what are my small but cozy braai area. I have never gone through a bag and a half of charcoal in 10 minutes (im not sure what i was aiming at here with putting charcoal on that volcano maybe it was panic) and i dam well hope I never go through that again!

I guess the lesson learned here, is that even though you dont always see the flamable nature of things, maybe you should listen. Maybe that shits going to just get up in ure face when you least expect it. And never, ever underestimate candles.

The Dam

Been a while since i made it to the dam. Just feel I need it today. Space. My oen little bubble for a while. I know L and A arent home yet, so i dont feel bad taking the time. Theres only two ppl in the park from what i can see, but a few cars, all with ppl in them. Some cars only have one person, like mine, some have two. I wondered what those other lonely souls are doing here. Also just taking a time out? What adventures or dramas are unfolding in  their lives. Anyway, here we all just sit, off the radar. I wonder when someone will be back from their NZ tour, and how it went. What an awesome adventure that mustve been. But I guess I wont know that definitely till a bit later. I really hope it was worth the planning and effort it took to plan out.

Think I've found song of the day.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwZvuV79jeY

Simple things in life

Today, life couldnt be simpler: I really miss someone.

Work, ethics and blues

Yep, it turns out I just dont get it. All of the above. You work for a company, and the only thing you hear is morals and ethics. The solid 'partnership', the undying camaraderie, the oneness, the family....but its all a load of bullshit. The things Ive sen, and experienced, come on guys, who do you think you are kidding here? And thats what gets me. A certain incident last week, involving a a work colleague, and being sworn at by a total asshole. Now the colleagues wife, works in HR, for the bank, and her advice? Leave it be, this individual has friends in high places, this wont end well. Ok, cant argue that, sound advice. What gets me is, does that make it right? Does that make it ok? That we actually still live in an archaic system? You cant say anything, or do anything because those that are in power, will squash you. Plain and simple. So....wheres the change that everyones been talking about then? I may as well be harvesting fucking pumpkins from a field for the kings ball. The only thing thats changed, is the title. Its no longer king, its director, and I used small letters on purpose for that. Jokes aside, thats what botehrs me. Theres still a whole culture of us and them. And im not even going in to race issues here, im talking strictly bussiness ethics and what they actually mean. And again, thats what they mean: nothing. Its all about the money, its all about the bottom line, its all about lying to your face about values that dont exsist. And at the end of the day (therapy calls) what does that say about me? Who does that make me and how do I feel? I reckon its safe to say, pretty pissed off covers all of that. Who does it make me? A person who is disillusioned by all this. Wary of all the games played in the name of good image. lets face it, tow the line or be cast aside and jobless, because you didnt uphold the 'image'. its so sad, and with such bitterness I have to admit that everything I was taught, was a lie. There is no virtue, there is no honor, there is no be a better person i guess. All of those things dont fit in with the corporate image. Its ok to treat ppl like shit, as long as you have friends in the right places to back you up. Those are the morals and values of now, of where I am.

Sun 18/18

There are just those days hey. Those days when you get the break you want, and you enjoy the time alone, and you just remember. And you miss some of the people that were part of your life, and you dont miss more. Today is one of those days. Its so tempting to just pick up a phone and say hi, but you know you will end up doing more damage than good. That you will end up hurting more people, than healing, or making feel better. So you sit back, take a sip of wine, and try not to remember. But you do, because saying dont think about a white elephant makes you do exactly that.

And you remember the chats, and you remember how it all felt, and you remember....other things. And you look around and ask, are you happy? And while the answer is yes, you dont understand why, or how come you miss people that much. How does it work? Or is it a lie that you're happy then? The answer, is entirely up to you at the end of the day.

A bed time prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
and if I die before I wake
Thank you.

Ok, that came out wrong. Its from a horror movie I remebered from when I was a kid. Want to find the movie again, and didn't want to forget that. Hahahaha!

Feb 18

Ive spent a whole lot of time wondering about writing. If it helps, if it serves a purpose. What to write and how to write it. And ultimately, I didnt write anything at all. I say it every time, theres just so much to say, and to feel, and I dont know how to put it in to words any more. Hell, I dont know if I ever really did. Maybe that was the lie, thinking when I wrote it made sense. And in the mean time it was nothing more than the brain farts of a middle aged man.

I feeling so tired of my life. I need to find something more to do. It would be a lie if I said i didnt sometimes envy friends and their lives. A few living good, prosperous lives and I am happy for them, one or two living a life that, well, makes me proud of where I am. Its like I'm stuck in the middle. I need to do something more, but I have no idea what.

I made some decisions in the recent past, that were life changing. hurtful to those around me, but life changing. I truly can be a selfish individual. It wasnt with the intention of harm I made those decisions, yet again other peoples feelings were hurt. I dont know what my curse is there that I do that, or what my karma is that Im meant to repay or see. Maybe its just human curiosity. I am dying to know how the trip went, and how its going, but where would that lead?

Im still frustrated at work. It seems ppl are coming back from their weeekends dumber and dumber every week. Where it used to be funny to have call of the day, its now a point of depression because it happens so frequently. You can only laugh at an idiot so many times before you have to go "wait a minute........and ppl in the world take you seriously?!'. My work life, is a low point in my life. I add no value what so ever other than to make idiots feel better about themselves.

And thats my rant. As for writing, I guess I don it because I enjoy it. I like sitting here every once in a while and just letting go, for lack of a better phrase. Just wish I had something more to say, something happy or funny, or inspirational. But I dont. I have my life. I have my worries and irritation factors, and those are the things that replay themselves to death in my mind.