Feb 18

Ive spent a whole lot of time wondering about writing. If it helps, if it serves a purpose. What to write and how to write it. And ultimately, I didnt write anything at all. I say it every time, theres just so much to say, and to feel, and I dont know how to put it in to words any more. Hell, I dont know if I ever really did. Maybe that was the lie, thinking when I wrote it made sense. And in the mean time it was nothing more than the brain farts of a middle aged man.

I feeling so tired of my life. I need to find something more to do. It would be a lie if I said i didnt sometimes envy friends and their lives. A few living good, prosperous lives and I am happy for them, one or two living a life that, well, makes me proud of where I am. Its like I'm stuck in the middle. I need to do something more, but I have no idea what.

I made some decisions in the recent past, that were life changing. hurtful to those around me, but life changing. I truly can be a selfish individual. It wasnt with the intention of harm I made those decisions, yet again other peoples feelings were hurt. I dont know what my curse is there that I do that, or what my karma is that Im meant to repay or see. Maybe its just human curiosity. I am dying to know how the trip went, and how its going, but where would that lead?

Im still frustrated at work. It seems ppl are coming back from their weeekends dumber and dumber every week. Where it used to be funny to have call of the day, its now a point of depression because it happens so frequently. You can only laugh at an idiot so many times before you have to go "wait a minute........and ppl in the world take you seriously?!'. My work life, is a low point in my life. I add no value what so ever other than to make idiots feel better about themselves.

And thats my rant. As for writing, I guess I don it because I enjoy it. I like sitting here every once in a while and just letting go, for lack of a better phrase. Just wish I had something more to say, something happy or funny, or inspirational. But I dont. I have my life. I have my worries and irritation factors, and those are the things that replay themselves to death in my mind.