Makes one wonder.

 And after my last post, anger has retreated. Doesn't mean things have gotten any better, but there's a 'Meh, ok then' attitude, not one I'm sure about. I've stopped asking anything during the day, or night of that mother. I send my voice notes. And nothing. There was a missed call this week, Mon or Tues, but I could not take it.One call, in 3 months.

Maybe I should of, but I know where that call would of gone. 

Ive been trying to help out in a dept I dont belong in because of my experience, or lack thereof. I am hoping, against all hopes maybe one day I can move from where I am, to there. This has meant long hours.

I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of trying to cover every base. Its the saddest thing to say, but Whatever.

I work with someone. He is Muslim. Big Pro Palestine guy, and kudos on that. Standing up for what you believe in. And then you ask, whats the difference, between politics and religious belief?No judgement, I'm just trying to understand here. And this question, hell, it ranges across all religions, all politcs, the entire world, so I'm not judging. But whats the difference here? 

Politic's: Its about Democracy! We vote for who we want in charge!

Religion: Its about faith! What you believe, is whats right!

Soooo....I cast my vote in 'belief' of what I see as right. I Believe, because thats what I've been taught to believe. So ultimately, they are the same thing. Feeding off one another, but basically the same thing. 

Sure, I may be wrong.

Prayer

 I go to bed most nights, and I do say a a prayer.

And the first thing, pls look after A and guide him in my absence,

And today, videos of A not listening, not doing what hes meant to do to the point where there are videos and voice notes.

So why am I praying? Obviously no ones listening. No one, up there, cares enough. I cant do anything from here!! Mom's calling and asking me to talk with him, but he just ditches the call if I say anything he doesnt like.

WHAT MUST I DO NOW? Simple question. We spoke months ago about giving him chores and getting him more involved with The Real Life of Things, and that hasnt happened. I cant control, or manage that from here. So now he is sitting in a hot mess at school, and I can what? Shrug my shoulders?

He's obv going through something but he simply wont open up. And it is fuck hard to try get him to say anything on a phone call. As much as I looked forward to this Friday, I dont anymore.

Update. Haloween, wasnt that fun for me, or him. He complained about how it was the worst HAlloween ever. Publicly, out a car window. And when afterwards I asked him "But hey that wasnt nice, what now with it being the worst ever?" A litany of ef why it was kak. He didnt even dress up. he didnt even take part. The car meant for small kids that walk the whole distance, there he was, plopped in the back. His mother planned all of that for him. And he didnt even take part. Then he moaned about why didnt he get as much candy as the others?! 'Well, cause you sat in the car Aiden, no one was going to send it down to you, you have to 'GO TRICK OR TREATING' to get the treats". Very much of unhappiness, from both sides.  He is not learning anything, or being taught anything down there. And of course, this conversation, ended up with the I cant wait till you go home. He didnt sleep with me that night. He came and talked to me, and when he got bored he said, OK well thats the daddy talk done. I dont know if I want to go down for Xmas. I dont want to be the bad cop in his life if this is what he's learning. I cant not do this remotely. 

During The Daddy Talk, right at the beginning, he climbs on the bed and says, you dont love me. OK then...I ask why? No, I dont call. Fair enough, Ive been sending voice notes every morning, and every bedtime, but he doesnt like them. To date, and thats going on a month ago, theres been 3 calls. @ of which he he hides under his blankie and doesnt want to talk, or hides from conversation, and one that was good, because he did all the talking, didnt answer any of my questions, and showed me how he played army guys. And no, I have asked, I have tried to plan, but hes always busy, or eating, or passed out after a long day. 

FFS, I am trying here.But Im at my wits end. After last month, I dont know how well Christmas is actually going to go. 

Movie Night.

 Ah man, I havent done movie night in ages! A night of just a movie or two, and bed. I normally play games, but tonight, that sounds like a good idea.

Bonus, I have butter pop corn, and quite a lot of it, so snacks are sorted! Infinite, 2021 movie, got it for a work colleague who showed me a trailer. But it looks good. 

Obv, a thousand ways I would rather watch this, but seeing as things are how they are, and we are, where we are, this will have to do.

Friday

 Like any other Friday, Im glad its Friday. And like any late shift Friday, you have to wait till 6PM to vanish. And you walk out that door, and you smile, and take a deep breath, freedom, at last.

That normally last's about 30 minutes or so, or at least, on the drive home. And then you get home. All the solo party plans and adventures, melt away. Its just an empty, dirty flat. Dirty, sure that's on me, and I never used to be this way. And I look at it and go 'meh, tomorrow'. Sometimes not even tomorrow, I go 'meh, whenever" which is kind of open ended.

I dont know what happened today, what made me see things this way. It does happen, and this is when I need the leather belt, something to bite down on, something tangible to hold on to, even if its with my teeth. That anger is still there, and God alone knows I'm tired of it now. I'm just tired. Of all the mind games and bollocks. And I think maybe, I've learned something about acceptance, but not in this conversation. I ranted about not getting a Happy B-Day from Aiden, and L (that's a different topic) but Maybe finally, I've learned to......let go...not care? Just, let it go. 

Thats a load of horse manure, but anyway. Ok not entirely? And thats why I write, to try make sense of all this. I'm the first to raise a hand and say 'Yeah shits not going down well here' and in the same breath I'm the same one who doesnt say anything at all. I'm my own hot mess, and I have to deal with it. Me alone.