A good day

Just candles burning. My candles. Power went out after having such a good day, but I don't mind. Here in the dark, they give me light,made me think of my day. Went to a Christmas dinner with the CEO and executives of the bank I work for.  Thats never happened in my life before,lets be honest here. Our team was thanked for everything we do, by the people we actually do it for. And it meant so much coming from the people we actually support, as opposed to a management tick box exercise. Thats why I liked the picture: the smaller candles supporting the larger one.  Monday will be no different from any of the other days of my life, but I will feel better about what I do in the world. About my contribution.

Saw something interesting today on the way home. I left a bit later than usual, to miss a bit of traffic and to finish off some stuff. Its been a bit of a rough month, things going wrong all over the place, and a lot of fighting both at home and at work. Just a tiring month. So driving home, mulling all the adventures and plans and things to do I stop at a traffic light. Ahead of me, in the next lane, some construction vehicle, with some guys sitting on the back laughing and chatting. And it struck me. They are so much poorer than me, yet, so much more free. I dont mean to use the word poor in a derogatory way. But judging from what they were wearing, they were clean, happy, and on their way home from a day of probably tough manual labor. They were smiling, where I was frowning.

I was also on my way home, but there was no smile or light in me, well not tonight. Only thoughts of things to do tomorrow, how to do them, obstacles that would be there and how I would negotiate them. I've forgotten where the real happiness is. My happiness was another call closed, or the end of a telephone call with some person who normally refuses to listen, or do what I ask them to do, in spite of it being to help them. The end of a meeting (Or one missed altogether), and another hour of no management asking me banal questions I had already given them the answer too. That was now my happiness. How sad that actually is.

I watched them for the duration of my wait at the intersection. And I was jealous. For everything I have, I couldn't find a smile in myself tonight.

Fuck. After all this time to still find that smoldering anger, its still there.
I thought I gave this up, I though it was gone
but that isn't what smoldering means.

I've cut so many people out, just left them there with out a clue
as to why
or what, made me do it, I can't tell you.

I just cut away what I thought was cancer.
Maybe you were
Maybe you weren't
I just cut it out to make me feel better.....

But I don't. That smoldering is still there. That burn that makes me lash,
that anger that makes me come out and bare my teeth.

I still want to bite you where it wont be fun.

Maybe I am just a biter after all, maybe I am that rabid dog that you love, but cant touch.
Don't touch. Don't go there, just watch it from a far. Let it be and then, let it be.

Watch it burn itself and yelp, then growl and become the fire. Its the circle of life. Just watch it.
don't teach it, never teach it because it never learns from that. It learns from burning. Burning is the only way it knows.

There's such a hate, and I don't know from where, or directed at what. But such a hate.

I haven't written for a while. Not said anything. Just been here.Here is the operative word. Here, a lot has been transpiring.In the mind, out of the mind, just.....a lot. We are going to adopt a child as we can not have kids ourselves. Never mind the politics surrounding adoption, you should try have a functional relationship before any of that. That right now has turned out to be the hurdle that needs to be overcome.

We saw a social worker today, what I took away from the experience was: So many ppl have thanked me because it brought couples closer. We are working on that.