Yep. Another 'Brand New Beginning'. Enter 2021. Hardly a jump in heart beat, hardly a twitch in a facial muscle. It just rolls on in, no applause, no cheers from the sidelines. It was going to do this anyway, why pretend with cries of joy and hope. Nothing has changed but the digit at the end of a number. People: the same. Work: the same. Everything: the same. 

Things have changed. But a lot of things haven't. Im still sitting here, writing nonsense to try get a sense of calm. To try understand and to try comprehend. I haven't changed, at least not for the better. I have kept some promises I made, vindictive ones, subtly, but they have not changed anything. Have not made me feel better. I scream at the word change, because it always means I have to inevitably make room for someone else's comfort or well being. I have to rearrange my thoughts and ways to accommodate others, and yet see none of that kind of behaviour in others. So tell me, explain to me now, what change am I meant to look forward to embracing then?

Slowly but steadily, I am busy isolating myself more and more from....life? People? Guess everything. Im drawing ever closer inwards, towards myself. Anything involving any kind of interaction with other's, immediately brings out a dread and sigh and mutterings under my breath. Few and further between are the interactions I look forward to. 

The feeling of being upset, is getting too familiar. Part of just life these days. And yet, another vindictive promise made and to be kept.

Today, tomorrow

always look the same.

Waking up looking, for the next person to blame

It's always on the outside

you're always looking out.

The blame is out there somewhere

You never had a doubt

It never was your words

or your deeds

or thoughts or ways

Others just needed to listen

to hear

and then obey