22 Dec 19

I really dont know what to do. I have so much to say and again, words fail me. So in the hope of some redemption, or understanding on my part, a quick review of the last 10 days:

A hot water pipe bursts in the ceiling, Thursday morning. Takes a day to replace. all this while the power is out. A day, wasted waiting. Ceiling is fucked, from pipe. They can only come the next Tuesday due to long weekend. Thats fine, be here on Tuesday.

Friday:  Try clean. Do washing. I forget about washing in the machine, prob cause I tried to organize a date day with my wife but got ditched because she decided to work from her mom's place that day. So fuck that initiative. Cool, its fine. Carry on........

Saturday: Washing totally forgotten, do shopping for the day and try make supper, or something special as its now vacation. Something to lift the mood and get that Xmas feeling.

Sunday: Finally remember the washing, but it doesnt really matter cause it turns out the washing machines seal is fucked. Spend time fixing the seal, and re washing the washing, to make sure its washed, and rinsed.

Monday: Still trying to do something nice for xmas spirit, try a new recipe. Doesnt quite fail, but doesnt quite win either, all the time, watching the washing. Put the rewashed washing in to the tumble drier.......great, the fucking fuse is blown again.

Tuesday: They finally pitch to fix fix the ceiling at 9-ish. They come in, arms waving pointing knowingly......ok but they have to go get stuff from the warehouse. Ok....guys....fuck off then and get it......? 4 hrs later..........they return, and finally, at 16.45 ( time rounded for convenience sake) they complete.

Wed: Ok, where are we? House is a disaster zone, but now we can finish that fucking washing!After rewashing it again....drop it in the tumble dryer. Cause rain here right now, its not going outside. Oh Wait.........just a second......A lot was done that day. There was cleaning and lots of dishes and and just Cleaning.

Thursday: Buy 2 new heat fusers from TechSA because the tumble dryer isnt working. I swear i replaced this shit in September!? Anyway, two new fuses, i got one as a back up. The washing industrial line, is finally running again........Fuse 1.....

Friday: Install fuse 2 because fuse 1 blew. MotherFucker.....research why fuses blow. Make/do necessary changes. Pray fuse doenst blow again. Next part is split....it just has to be.

Saturday: Washing, bane of my existence, almost back on track. Overall, a good day. Shopping. Laughing. Minor setbacks, nothing that cant be sorted or planned.

Saturday Night: The sausage dog decides Aiden's face will make a good chew toy. A brief, violent encounter, and we are in ER. For all intents and purposes, it could of been a lot worse, but it wasnt. We get discharged the same night.

Its now Sunday. Sunday evening to be precise. Today? Well today has been relatively calm, all things considered. Fam came to visit, I made a deal with some social charity fund person to wrap Xmas gifts for me (Although her price was very low so I had to up it a bit) and at least both of us had a good laugh through that bit. There are other intricacies, woven through this whole week, that I just dont have the energy for right now. Guess its my way of saying thats my newsweek flashreel.

I dont like this time of year. I never have, well ok, I havent for a long time although it was a favorite time of year, many years ago. Im here now. Just sitting here, going over this last week and a few days, and I'm literally left with WTF? WTF, .....just happened here?

Snapshot

There are none. Its all the same as it was last year. The year before that. And that one. People are still assholes. Nothings changed. What has changed, is maybe my perception of it all. Done with joking, done with pretending I'm all good and happy. Done with keeping quiet, done with fighting. Done with people, done with family and friends. Everyone can carry on just as they please, just please dont include, or expect anything from me. Ive realized Im wrong, I dont understand and that all of you are always, without doubt, right. I know now i dont have a voice. Not one with any meaning or value. I must just play my part, do what Im told and play surprised when the things I once saw and maybe warned about, come to pass. I must stop looking forward, stop thinking and planning and trying. Just do as im told, when Im told. That is my place.

And while that may all sound, or seem like a moment of insight, it isnt. Its always been that way, I just never knew it. This is a moment of acceptance. A moment of letting things pass. Letting things be. Stopping. Light another cigarette, pour another drink, and then another. Speed up this process of life so it can run out. I'll be out of your hair soon. 

A day of satin and glass

I love days like these. A calm, quiet understandings within. A solid barrier against the chaos, against the wild flurrying wind of my life. A calm, quiet understanding, that ultimately upsets others. This understanding, is knowing what I want from today. And knowing what I'm willing to give to others emotionally. No, you cant just demand. No, you cant just take. No, you will not drain my energy to refill yours. No, I will not pack any guilt trip baggage and lug it around,because of you. No, I will not do as you say just because you say so. 

Irrelevant.

Ive realized my life is irrelevant. Ive come to know that now. As long as I play my part, and do what others need, then I'm useful. As long as I play a part in someone else's script, then Im useful. And its not bitterness saying that. Its just the way it is. Im not going to blah blah about a long week, they all are. But at some point you, I, would think there's a break. There isnt. And there wont ever be. I've done the therapy, I TRIED, of my own free will to try get it all, but........if its only a half trying, can there ever be a full?

I just sit here. I do my thing. Thats my place. But...its a time bomb. Everything has that burning fuse, I just dont know how long mine is.

Those you thought cared, actually dont, couldnt be bothered with a single message of "Hi Happy Birthday" and its all ok. Humans are,... well just that I guess. Humans. My time of caring, of living my life for others, is over. Feeling for others? Catch another bus. Im done. Whatever, wherever, whoever, if you dont add value to MY life, then cheers, have a good one. Tired of putting others before myself and what this family needs.

I hate I love

Thats a long list right there. Love and hate. Sometimes I think its not one or the other, its both.

For every one thing I love, there's something I hate. And vice versa. There's a puzzle here that I need to figure out.

I love......so much about my life. I love the little man in our lives. I love everything he stands for even though he doesnt know what all that is yet, even in his own life.

I hate.....that he will have to go through so much. It will not be a normal life. It will have to be filled with caution and warnings. It will have to be filled with, watching every step, every move. Even just with peoples emotions.

I love......the endless opportunity of this little man and his curiosity. Why is everything the way it is? The questions, all of them. Doesnt matter hoe many times he asks, I love them all.

I hate.....knowing that all this will be hard. I love knowing I will be his wall. How it doesnt matter what happens, I will still always be here. No matter what, let it crash down, on this wall.

I love.....seeing his face happy, full of smiles even if its just the car that made him a sweet. Even if thats a lie in its own.

I hate....seeing him spoiled to the point that I worry about how we are raising him. I hate, no one else seeing that, and I hate feeling like everything is a fight about that. About how this little man is being raised.

I hate......feeling that I dont understand love, or how and where and when you're meant to compromise and when you  are meant to draw a line. I hate not knowing what exactly it is im meant to do.

There are just things going on. Beyond that little man, things in life, things I just dont understand. I wish I could say they dont matter, but they do. I dont know where I stand in this relationship. Maybe its just me. So tired of thinking that one through. Im tired of fighting on every front, Im tired of justifying, of explaining. Everything. But I cant get in to that right now, Im trying to swerve off the path of negativity.

Tonight, 25/07/2019

I have had a lot to say. But i havent had the energy or will to say it for a while. I still dont. I still miss those who meant something, I still want to write. I still have a lot of the same thoughts, I still havent changed.

Maybe one day this all, on the inside will make sense.

I can only laugh....

The time I have spent, worrying and caring, and just spending time on other people, and their emotions and feelings. It over now. And I'm actually not angry. I just, understand that better now. I'm here, you are there. And any relationship is a two way bridge between those points. The fact remains, I am here, always have been always will be, but I'm not making changes to build that bridge to get you anymore. I'm here, if you want this in your life, if you want any of this in your life, then you build the bridge, you come and get it. I'm not carrying it all anymore. I'm not building it anymore. YOU, do it.

And I see now that, as much as I carried on, and cried and vented, it was never really my place. I guess, I have my own little dream going on, but ultimately, I cant control others decisions. They either want to be here and be part of this, or they don't. And the stories, their stories, well, those are their stories. Not mine to tell or try be part of. I guess I could try be part of them, sure, yeah. But I'm tired of that. I don't see anyone trying to be part of this story, so I'm going full blown selfish. Fuck you all. And oh man, I'm playing with fire here. ALL. So sorry but this is our time. I have to focus a lot of energy into whats going on in this life right now. And no hard feelings, no expectations. Those who are meant to be here, will be. And any stories later of "oh but...", well guess we will deal with that then. I tried, today, the last week to make a plan. I changed the venue, yes my bad, only for concern about my family. And now this drama. And I'm tired of it. I'm not doing this anymore for anyone else. I put in the effort, and if it wasn't good enough, well then I guess I'm sorry? I guess, I'm done? If you cant see my efforts, then how how long, for what must I carry on? For your 'Grace', for your 'Presence'? Sorry, I'm just done. You are either here, or there, and if you are there, then hey, that's also cool, go for it. But be....THERE then. Don't come after the fact with whatever bollocks stories.

It looks like I may be alone now

No views, no check in's.....am I alone here now? Guess it doesn't really matter, this was never meant to be a public forum. Mannnnnn just so much over the last three months. To try deal with, comprehend, just....come to terms and grips with. I left the house a week ago today, as in LEFT left, with a bag, packed with clothes. And yes, I am back now. I could'nt leave my bug behind. Love him too much.

My personal relationship, right now with L, is...hesitant, its on new ground. And we are both treading carefully, which is good, and also......just makes questions. More than answers, so again, taking it day by day.I do love her, I just don't always understand her I guess.

Gifts given

Sometimes, a gift given unexpected, or unasked for, does make the difference. I got a gift today of 4 bottles of wine, for a job I didn't have to do. It was nice. And then, the shit storm began........

L got A a rat. A for real, fucking home pet rat. You know, I wouldn't be.....no not angry.........just.....disappointed if......there is no if. I'm looking for accommodation here in the area. I'm done fighting, and I'm done lying down. The arguments in my head right now are overwhelming, but one things for sue, I'm done.

L asked "oh but what must I do to make it right?", and she doesn't get it. Its not about making it right, its about what was there, and you just ignored it. I'm not bitter, I'm not angry. I've reached a point where WE all have to ask ourselves what the reality of the situation is. And from my part, well, I'm done. Congrats, you win. I'm just done. I'm going to walk away. DO what you want, when you want, however you want, its all cool, decide and do.

Aiden, no, I'm not letting that little man go just like that. I will pay a price higher than heaven or earth for that little man, but I have realized that the rest......well carry the fuck on. All of you. Its always easier written than done, but I know these grounds. I've stepped on these mounds of disappointment and humiliation and 'a fresh start' before. I've done it before, Ill do it again. But as far as my lines go, my boundaries, I'm done.

Blah blah

Im drunk again. fending off this world from the view point I'm most comfortable in. It doesnt matter who reads, it doesnt matter whos sees this. All that matters is the actions. What you do. No, not me, im in whiskey land, you. It only matters what YOU do. Im.....Im just watching. All the people, you guys, persons sewing vocal niceties, yet, lacking in every way when it comes to actions. Perhaps this is my time too see who is close and who is not. Perhaps, this is my time to shut the fuck up.

25022019

I really think Im getting to and age, or a point, where Im just going to stop running. Not running like round the block or anything, running after people. And by this, I also mean people in my immediate space.Start by just setting my boundaries. Ive spent so much time letting people do whatever the hell they want, that its now a given, I'll just go along.And if I dont, then I dont understand, or I dont get it, or....perhaps....Im not willing to play by others rules. Well, fuck em. Im not angry, Im not caught in the throes of some vicious emotional state. Im just saying NO.

Im done with haggling and bartering about a way forward. Ive spent so much time listening and just 'going with the flow' that Im in a situation doomed with other peoples decisions. But Im also at the point where I've had enough. Im tired of dealing with other peoples decisions, and when things flop, then its Not What They Meant, or Not What They Said. By all means, go ahead and do whats good for You, but dont expect me to tow the line on that shit anymore.

Im not saying its easy, Im not saying it will be a walk in the park. Getting your way is never as easy as that. But getting to the point where you see people walking over you, realizing it, and seeing it, thats a different matter. The things that Inlaw said, they way they act, thats a line. And Im a the point where, well, you need to make a decision. For all I said above, there are still decisions that others need to make, but not for me, never for me, only for themselves. Do I still play a part in all of this, or must I walk away.

Remembering the memories

And then there are days like these, when all the memories are lined up, waiting their turn in the theater of my mind. Her smell, her eyes, her laugh, her words. So many of them, just one after the other and you just crave.....you just want. You reach for the phone, but put it down.

Life as a blur

Yes, that's all it is right now a blur. But mostly, I miss the chats, thats something that crosses my mind daily. Christmas and its drama are over, work has settled in to a disorganized state of panic. Home is more stable, but through all of that, I find myself tired. At that point again of shying and hiding from the world. Anything that isnt work related, gets ignored after hours. Anything personal, well that for the most part gets ignored as well. I just want silence. More quiet, less people.

I need to make time to actually write it all down, to work through it in my own way, but right now is not that time.

My favorite animal.......

I love how sharks move. Gracious in their movement, especially for their size. They almost meander, they dont look out of place, or uncomfortable, they look, like they are, exactly where they are meant to be, at any given point. They are slow in their movement, if you just watch them, but let their senses become alert.....

Ive had the opportunity to swim with these animals, to see them in their own natural turf. To see those dead black eyes become alive, for lack of a better word. Ive seen those eyes go from the slow moving beast to the fast moving slab of dedication.

Someones chumming my waters, and they better paddle carefully.

Some days are just harder than others

It feels like forever, but its only been a month. December. The busy month. Christmas all done for another year, Aidens birthday all wrapped up, and here I sit. Didnt go to work today, just need a break from everything and everyone. Its hot, sweltering hot and I've managed to get myself a moderate case of dehydration going. Fun. Theres a lotnon my mind, and I want to write it all down but when I sit down i more often than not find myself staring at a blank screen. Cant even call it writers bloxk as this isn't a novel. Its just a block. Its all overwhelming and tiring and exhausting. This is the first time Ive managed to actually say anything and I'm tired already.