25022019

I really think Im getting to and age, or a point, where Im just going to stop running. Not running like round the block or anything, running after people. And by this, I also mean people in my immediate space.Start by just setting my boundaries. Ive spent so much time letting people do whatever the hell they want, that its now a given, I'll just go along.And if I dont, then I dont understand, or I dont get it, or....perhaps....Im not willing to play by others rules. Well, fuck em. Im not angry, Im not caught in the throes of some vicious emotional state. Im just saying NO.

Im done with haggling and bartering about a way forward. Ive spent so much time listening and just 'going with the flow' that Im in a situation doomed with other peoples decisions. But Im also at the point where I've had enough. Im tired of dealing with other peoples decisions, and when things flop, then its Not What They Meant, or Not What They Said. By all means, go ahead and do whats good for You, but dont expect me to tow the line on that shit anymore.

Im not saying its easy, Im not saying it will be a walk in the park. Getting your way is never as easy as that. But getting to the point where you see people walking over you, realizing it, and seeing it, thats a different matter. The things that Inlaw said, they way they act, thats a line. And Im a the point where, well, you need to make a decision. For all I said above, there are still decisions that others need to make, but not for me, never for me, only for themselves. Do I still play a part in all of this, or must I walk away.

Remembering the memories

And then there are days like these, when all the memories are lined up, waiting their turn in the theater of my mind. Her smell, her eyes, her laugh, her words. So many of them, just one after the other and you just crave.....you just want. You reach for the phone, but put it down.

Life as a blur

Yes, that's all it is right now a blur. But mostly, I miss the chats, thats something that crosses my mind daily. Christmas and its drama are over, work has settled in to a disorganized state of panic. Home is more stable, but through all of that, I find myself tired. At that point again of shying and hiding from the world. Anything that isnt work related, gets ignored after hours. Anything personal, well that for the most part gets ignored as well. I just want silence. More quiet, less people.

I need to make time to actually write it all down, to work through it in my own way, but right now is not that time.