Happy new years....grieve. No seriously, Happy New Years Eve :) Day was ok, evening a bit rocky. Dammit man, Am I the bad guy for saying fuck off? Lets call a spade a spade here; thats how my new years eve went. But I said it because it needed to be said. Im the first to preach love and patience, but wow, sometimes a line needs to be drawn.

I cant carry on being the 'good guy', the spiritual deflect conflict guy. People cause shit and somewhere along the way, I find that burning bag on my door step. And then it flows. My vengeance, my views, my opinion I guess. I think what gets me, is that this shitty drama always crops up on your doorstep on a day like this, you know, a day like Old Years Eve, when all you really want to do, is chill, the FUCK, out.

And then people press that button. Wait, no. They hammer it. And hammer again. And no matter how hard you keep your cool, and just quietly sip your whiskey, they hammer that button, at their own peril, with out knowing it. Good news is that all is quiet now. For now no more messages, wife is peacefully asleep, and music is playing in the back ground. All is calm in the world, for this welcome to the new year. At least for now. I can carry on fighting tomorrow, but not right now.

Ever heard of Whatsapp? That socially convenient get hold of you app? Why is is it, that tonight, Ive had three conversations telling others it will be alright, and yet dont feel like anything, will be alright? Just a thought.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mkUp1V3ys0


Dont watch, just listen......sshhhh.......just close ure eyes.

Christmas, along with new years. Interesting time to watch people. There is so much garbage in my mind right now its hard to start off on one thing and actually make a point. My brother phoned to apologize for not calling about Christmas, turn out hes working straight through, so my rant from the other night kinda of sounds stupid now.

I dont mind working through December. Its quieter in the city, and on the roads. What has caught my eye, is that it seems as if people are so unused to open roads, that mostly the assholes stay behind in JHB for December. My God the amount of bad driving I've seem in the last 2 weeks is amazing. Just today I say a man drive through a red traffic light, which had a right of way arrow for oncoming traffic. The guy in the car next to me was all hooter and exotic dancing......while on his mobile phone. Wow humanity.....just really, wow. I just seems that we are all so wrapped up in our lives that we don't see what a contradiction we are every day of our lives. What hypocrates we can be when we want. There is no humility in the world. We have all been taught to speak our minds cause its our 'right', and anyone who doesn't respect it, must be the bad guy. Beause I'm right after all? I was taught that I'm right, and its my right, to be right, even if I'm wrong.

Hey maybe I'm a Virgo at the end of the day, and like things ordered, but you cant go getting upset with someone for breaking the law, and then chastise them while you're breaking it. What category does that fall in to? Morals, ethics, logic, common sense? I was brought up to respect other people, even those who dont always deserve it. Well, at least on a very basic level. There are those who just have done nothing to earn my respect, and thats fine by me. I dont expect them to respect me, it boils down to; I'll leave you alone, and you do the same for me. Which is also respect, but like I said, a very basic level. Yet you bump into those who DEMAND it, and thats where we fail in my eyes. Everyone these days demands to be respected, because they have been taught that the deserve it. And im not talking about kids here. Its the adults that are the problem. Once again, the strick diet of Rumi and The Secret come in to play. They both have good points, and I'm not knocking them directly, but so SO many people have just taken the "I deserve anything, everything plus interest" idea and made it a lifestyle. Wrong guys, just wrong. Theres truth in what they say, but it simply isnt as easy as believing you deserve to do what you want, when and how as well, and blaming the universe when it doesn't happen.

Have a merry one.

So today is today. 14th Dec 2014. It all started as a normal, good Sunday. At the end of it, I'm in a foul mood. Man, I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm in a shit mood cause as that festive mood and joy get closer, I feel farther away. I know why, and its the usual story of of life; drama. I have asked my brother how many times what the plan is for Xmas, and I have no reply. I have no answer. I have no purpose, *as usual* for this Christmas. And I hate it, I hate IT, therefore, I hate.

I never thought I would miss my parents, or Christmas with family. I carried on in my life after they were gone, and its always been a small sore point. Maybe getting older has made me more aware of it. There is no one to turn to to, no one to call closer. There is just, nothing in this life I was raised to believe in. I am married, and happily so, and every year the talk is about where do we go for Xmas eve, and where to for Christmas day. I have nothing to add, nothing to fight for in that aspect. It sounds wrong I guess, but its not how I mean it. I want to fight with my wife about who's family we spend Xmas with. I want to have something that I can say is important to me, outside of our relationship. But whats the point in a one sided argument? If I dont get an answer, isnt that answser in its own right? I hate Christmas.

Long time no post. No real reason, just been busy with that mini series called life. Watching people and wondering whats really up. Loads of questions, but on the other hand, are they questions that will change the way people think, or act? Nah, I dont think so. Chilled evening, storming here. Loving the sound of rain outside while a family sleeps in peace. I find myself turning off all radios and T.V's these days, and just enjoying the silence.

Trying to just smile and nod at the world, dont think there will ever come a day when I can say "Ah Ha! I get it!". If i ever do I would more than likely be lying to myself and to the world. But maybe thats what whats our society tick; just believing in something and sticking to your guns, no matter what the truth really is. Finding a camp, and having blind, loyal trust in it. Ah well, guess thats not me. Problem is I will always question, and then probably question again.

I havent written anything from the old books yet, they proving to be harder to find than i thought. Dammit! I thought i knew where they were! Im keeping half an eye out for them, sure they will pop up again sometime.

I shared this link with one person, and now find myself compromised. If they read this, well you know who you are. Can I still be open and honest and myself now, with out judgement? Its not that Im not open and honest, I just dont normally share this side of what goes on in my head. Why I shared it, God alone knows. But there is reason in everything that happens so I guess that happened.

I met a guy today, who inspired a whole new word in my life. Do you know the word Nostalgia? If not, google it. Anyway, my word of the day is: Knobstalgia. Thats when you only have totally dick memories of the past, and you roll around in them in some sort of twisted pleasure. Really, get over the past, it isnt going to change.I have sympathy for people with tough stories, but wow, you get those that have made it a life motto, dragging it forward and torturing people in the present with it. Life is, just once. One go at it, and we all fuck it up at some point, even if we dont know it. But we carry on man. We pick ourselves up and well, just make it better. I dont get people who dont see that.

Time out for me, but I did enjoy this short story.