blis(ter)

I dont know why I hold onto all the garbage in my head, all those things are actually gone and forgotten, but still mill around up here. Its starting to look like a life time of memories.

A lifetime of memories that have no place
A lifetime of regrets just wasting space.
but it just feels so good to walk these halls

there is no full picture, no full verse here now. Only fragments. only pieces as i listen and hear and grab random things out of this muck. I had moments of poetry when i was younger, but they just arent there anymore. Now its just write. Write it all out. feels like theres no eloquence to it, no panache or style. Its gotten raw.

There was always time. Days. Always so much time to ponder but it doesnt feel that way these now.

Always lie after lie. Always a cover story, but never a full story either way. I hate being in this space in my mind, but in the same breath, I love it. theres just so much chaos, but also so much peace. its all layered. Its all one on top another. Thinking, remembering, forgetting, feeling, wishing, but here. All here, right now. all of that, in this space. Its crammed, packed to the brim, and no matter how I try look at it, I never get the lid off of all of that. Its just always here.

Ive always written down what I feel, or what I thought, I thought I may have felt. Truth is, I dont know what I feel, and thats why I write. It was never to explore anything other than myself. Jesus that sounds selfish. But it is just that. All the anger. The pure rage. The questions. it was all ever only for me, to try understand me. Man everything. Just like EVERYTHING has always ever only been, about knowing me. I dont understand myself, I dont know myself.

Its like 4 orchestras all trying to harmonize at once. they are all beautiful noise, they all have their place, but in one hall, they are all just a noise. I dont know where I am, how I feel, who I am, what Im listening too, or how I feel. Right now, I dont even know what feeling really is. Ive pretended so long to be all that, that Ive reached the point of just being tired.

Release

I feel frustrated. I feel... out of touch. I feel like theres things happening and I'm the last one to find out. I feel isolated.

Normally I'm ok with isolated, but now, this. I dont know. I feel like an add on.

I feel obsolete. I feel outdated. I feel left behind.

I dont like these feelings, but it is what it is. I feel what I feel. How do I change this? How do I change how I feel?

I feel there is so much I must just live with. I feel there is so much I must just accept.

I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. But at least it has a face, and hollow eyes and nods, and then goes on anyway.

I feel like I have absolutely no control.

This is an example of what would be considered very bad writing, it all has 'I' in it. But I'm not writing this for acclaim. I'm writing this because it's how I feel.

Hindsight

Things happened today. But I'm almost, calm. It was an event. No greater or less than anyone else's day. Bit of a rough road ahead. but isnt that just life? What sticks in my mind, is painting it over. Fresh coats of paint to make it past, to make it memory.

Doesn't doing that, set it in some emotional stone, the experience? Harden it in to something you actually will never forget? Paint over an object long enough, and arent you ultimately left of a cast of it? The pain tabs are pretty good, can almost not feel it, just see it in the bruising and occasional stretch if I forget. But in here, in this imagination of mine, thats where Im really feeling it. Its where Im painting and making moulds.

It is just that way

I love when you smile, I worry when you cry. Most days we carry on and just learn. We carry on. But on days like today, when you dont laugh, and dont cry, but look at me the way you do, those are the most precious. To see you become aware, to see you starting to grasp. Just to see you in all your babyness, become alive, and see me, those are the moments I will remember.

Random

I was walking through the park here at work this morning, and there were two ducks. They were putting on quite a show, wings flapping, honking at each other while doing a bit of a hop. And it struck me......

They will probably have a way less complicated, yet more fulfilling day, than I will.

Nights of passionate bronchitis

Ive just not really had much to say for a while. Ok thats bollocks I've had shit loads to say, but man trying to find the right words that carry the right sentiments.....tough. Tougher than checking if mouse batteries are flat with out literally screaming at someone.

So tonight is my night off. No thinking, no reasoning (when it comes to writing anyway) and no structure.......go on say it....'you bad boy you'......

Yes I have bronchitis, its making it hard to sleep, and since its still relatively early, and and since im not brave enough to try that whole sleep thing again, I thought well what the fuck, why not. Lets blurb all over the place. Sleeping has been a pain in my ass for going on a week now. I can sit here, and watch tv, and put wood on the fire and whatever, but for gods sake let me just try get horizontal. Water works. Lungs, nostrils (and eyes cause I end up up gagging on phlegm) so yes my head turns in to a water feature. Guess this is a better option than that right now.

I think my point here tonight, is to not think. To not write about all the things in my head. Not write about the things that keep me awake or put me to sleep or make me excited, or feel. This is about writing around all of that, maybe seeing something different. Even this has become a controlled exercise where it used to just come out naturally. I used to churn out a poem while watching tv and not think about it for a second. I used to write pages and let time flow and never even realize how long it had been, or how much I had written. It used to matter, but so subtly. It was there, but it was'nt a pressure.

Its the beginning of a one day public holiday. Can you imagine how much wine I have had so far? Not important. What is important, is to let this out, through the only way I actually know how. By writing. It doesnt matter what it is I write, or how I write it, or right now.......the meaning of it. Its about just letting go again. Theres a freedom here that you just dont get anywhere else. And where this used to be a very private space, hey its on the internet now, and there is no real privacy there, so what the hell.

Its a strange thing, to get used to a routine, to bend and change and make that routine work, only to one day burst out against that routine, to try and be yourself.

3.6.7

It's all quiet now. First time in a long time its all just, quiet. No over watch, no alarms, no constant vigilance. Its just quiet. and then the flood gates open. every thing thats inside, everything pushed aside and told to be on hold. All of it, clamoring at the door. Its a thin door.

SO much to think about, to let out and feel, and so little time. Guess thats life. Hustle and bustle and then its over. I spent a whole day crying over Roger. The big strong dog he was. Remebering him running and jumping and jst always being happy. Then seeing him the boot of the car, hardly able to walk, arthritis and cancer, and holding him, trying to make him know all was ok while they pumped him full of a drug that would make him stare in to my eyes forever. Or so it feels.

Work, the fuck up, fun/laugh/hate/grind your teeth/scream place that it is. Giving up trying to be nice and unleashing my own little shit storm on that little world. The consequences, the words, the.....fuck it, just everything. Made some enemies, made some friends (Not) but shit gets done. Thats all that counts.

Aiden has made such an impact on my life. Not about time, or sleep or routine. Just his being here. So much to think about and to plan. And to wonder about. He's sleeping over tonight, and like every other late shift day, Im missing him. I hope one day he knows how much I love him.

Friends/family, are pissing me off. Its a general kind of piss off. You talk and talk, and ask and ask, and theres just silence. No reply. Until, you can fill a gap for them. Then suddenly theres lots of chatter. Fuck that. Tired of baby sitting what I perceive to be others feelings. When you need me, I'll be here, but then dont expect me to drop where I'm at for you, emotionally.

Other than that, I'm just peachy.

Why.... Just why.

Im bored. Im sitting outside a boardroom, to be here 'in case' a call drops, because not one of the 18 ppl can dial a simple phone. Not to mention the 19th member of this brain trust, who cant dial a number to join a conference call. Is this what my life has been reduced too? Dialing telephones for the rich and powerful because doing THAT is just too technical.

I need to transfer data from an old iphone, to a new iphone. I need minimum 4 hours. I tell this lady, I need 4 hours, this afternoon is not going to be enough. Can I pick the phone up tomorrow morning? Her answer? Yes, i can have the phone between 9 and 12.

........9.....and...... 12..... Jesus, give me strength. I am really just at that point where I have to wonder what exactly im doing here, and what the fuck is going on with the world. Its like, everyone has gotten so important, and so high profile, that they have de-evolved into shit spewing cabbages. And theyre fully entitled to it, its their right by golly. If they say the sky is green, then ppl around them had better agree! I dont know hey, I just dont think I'm cut out for this anymore. I've done this long enough now to know its not a technical job, to have dialled the same persons into the sane meetings and not seen an ounce of initiative from any one of them in learning....

To dial.....

The phone.

I have a wish, of being able to see the world from their perspective, to understand, or try to understand how and what is going on in their minds. Another one today, a PA calls as she needs help. Lo' and behold, her 17 yr old daughters school project. A list of webpage address's, which need to be printed, photos that need to be printed, and finally laminated. Hold on..... Wait..... WTF!? Really? Well, I couldnt help out with that cause I'm stuck outside a boardroom, waiting for world ending dropped calls (cause thats what happens when calls drop you know.... The whole world grinds to a screeching halt.)

The day we said goodbye

Today turned out to be longer than I ever would of thought. The meds, the routine, the watching, and then today. All the things I dont normally write about, because its life you know? Its part of the routine, part of the day.

And then Roger couldnt walk anymore. He couldnt lift his back legs, he just couldnt. Its only been a week since he went on meds, since he went on pain killers and anti inflamatories. But such a week its been.

In the last breath of this day, for me, it was a shit day. I had to hold him and watch him fall in to that sleep that I knew he wouldnt come back from. I had to tell myself it was for the best. I had to tell myself it was for him. I had to stop him when he growled at the vet, the needle, the impending finish line and lie to him to say that everything would be ok. I had to look him in the eye, and see it fade, that light fade as i told him it was all alright.

He was never just an animal, never just a dog. The things he stood for, what he represented in my life, that list is long and now complete. Im sorry for it all Rog, I'm happy for it all. I just, i guess i just appreciate it all.

Thats it my boy, rest in peace. I hope you dont hold it against me that I said it would all be ok, and then walked away.

Day 1......

I just dont know. Theres only one other person who would maybe ever read this, but I think that moment may have passed. I was looking forward to tonight. Just the company, just being. Instead, here I am with a whiskey and the tv and thinking. I really miss you.

29 April

Its a catch 22. Im so relieved to be on holiday, away from work, but also a little down. There were plans for this week, that are no more. What am i going to do with myself now? Right now im preparing to just hibernate. Switch the phone off, snooze, light a fire in the evening and....... Hell I dont know.

Maybe I should go picnic at suikerbos, for old times sake. Get out to the quiet and write a bit. Maybe I should get blind drunk and just let time fly by between whiskies and snoozes. Who knows. Guess either way it will be almost like any other day these days: just get through it.

Its taking alot of self control to not whatsapp today.......

I love being drunk, and i hate being drunk. Both offer different value's in life. Right now. Im going to go with a ......love/hate. Just one aspect. And i cant explain it. I love it because it is so unique, so different. I hate it because it threatens everything I am. I love it because it makes me feel. I hate it because it will hurt everyone around it.

Days like these i just wonder why life is so complex. So full of decisions, and after effects that arent explained. Like taking out a contract with any person or entity.....that doesnt have an office. Its never really black and white. Its always shades of grey. Maybe, its the age old saying of The heart vs the brain. Maybe im not seeing anything new here, only what every other person on earth has seen at one point or another.

But the heart makes it so hard. Its hard to ignore feelings, for me. Its hard to see pain, and just walk away. Just wash my hand of it. hell, Im not claiming innocence here. I have my own pain and feelings to deal with. But thats just it, I have learned to deal with it. Last year, I went through a phase. Its not a secret, i did. I could write pages about the anxiety, the sadness, the anger that was there. if anyone put their mind to it, so could they. but this isnt about anyone else, its about me. Im not taking away or lessening what anyone feels by what I write. Thats not my place, or right, or ....thats so beyond any power i have. Its about me. Its about how I feel. it is in a way, selfish. Right now, im loving with all I have. I feel again.

Its so good to feel. too have that numbness gone. to have that anger gone. It hurts so much to feel.

I wrote this a while back, but never published it, probably should of put that in when I published this the other day, hahaha.

Another Sunday morning.

Well, ive been staring at the screen for 30 mins, and this is the first thing ive been able to write thats made any sense. Everything seems locked up. Everything seems to be an image or a feeling, a color or a smell. And for the first time in a long time Im struggling to find the words to explain it all.

Maybe its because, I dont know how i feel. Theres a lot to be happy about, theres a lot to be frustrated about, and theres a bit to be angry about. How exactly i feel, is the confusing part. Hahaha! Its almost as if feeling all that, makes me feel numb. Its looking into the snow globe, but theres so much snow floating around its hard to make out the object in it. So i guess, like with a snow globe, you just give it time and let it settle. Im hoping it will make sense over time.

Its a life. Its just that. A life. It has drama, it has ups and down, it carries on, always. Its a life.

I havent written in a long time, just because. I was silly to give away this private space. To reveal it. I cant be me, when I know this isnt personal anymore. It just is that way.

So I have to try bottle it up, I will bottle it up. Its almost like before, but not quite exactly the same. Ah my minds a mess right now, what does it matter?

I guess it has to matter to me, in the long run or it will just be another meltdown of sorts in the end. But......how do I not take all the shit hear, personally? Or rather, how do I pretend not to care? How do I pretend, not to feel? I mean, that is the basic crux of it all. I think I feel for others. Like I become their well of anger and frustration. They speak of things and I feel the anger. I feel the frustration. Its tiring. I have no self delusions about being special, or in tune, or any of that rediculous stuff. I just am. Im here, I am. I listen, thats what I do. Ive always been better at listening than talking. Perhaps Ive changed, perhaps its all changed cause now it seems people want to hear what I have to say.

Its been a year since I went down a dark road in my life, That road, was the accumulation of a lot of things I have been through. Seen, lived, felt. That doesnt matter now. There are people in the world, who have seen and lived and felt, a lot worse than me.

Im leaving a whole bit out now, but I dont really care about that at least. I listen, its what I do. Not take action or do, I just listen. Thats what it seems Im meant to do, no matter how frustrating it sometimes gets.

WTF March?

Still here. Just had so much to say I've had nothing to say at all. A lot has happened, a lot has changed.

Jan

January. Only half way in and a lot to say. Aiden was supposed to be discharged today, but they kept him another night because of his tummy. More concerning is his biological mother, who seems to have vanished since we last saw her on Saturday. Ah man, just so much to wrote and try explain. Nevermind to others, to myself. There is just so much that feels, not complete. Bits of the story thats missing. Or so it seems. A little piece of news or information, but pit together it makes no sense. The whole story, doesnt make sense then. Worst part, all i can do is wait. There is no ranting, there is no venting. The medical aid, the hospital, the social worker, the mom..... All just obstacles between going home with our son. We've been here since Friday, and every day has been an emotional Rollercoaster. Theres still so much we dont know. And my patience is wearing thin. Im not sure how the rest of well, everyone is perceiving this,  but it feels almost like its a game to them. I need to stay calm, think straight, but its so hard when ure technically not in the 'drivers seat'.

Im trying not to look further than one day at a time here. More than that and there is just so much uncertainty  it is actually frightening. All i can do is write,  and pray.

I like this space. Its my space. No, not Myspace *TM.....just....my space. There is a lot going on in my life. All things that make me happy. Not everything and anything thats something I understand, but it all makes me smile. On the inside. And inside is where it counts. Theres a millions smiles and jokes for every fucker in the world, but what makes me smile and laugh, on the inside, I hold dearest.