It's all quiet now. First time in a long time its all just, quiet. No over watch, no alarms, no constant vigilance. Its just quiet. and then the flood gates open. every thing thats inside, everything pushed aside and told to be on hold. All of it, clamoring at the door. Its a thin door.
SO much to think about, to let out and feel, and so little time. Guess thats life. Hustle and bustle and then its over. I spent a whole day crying over Roger. The big strong dog he was. Remebering him running and jumping and jst always being happy. Then seeing him the boot of the car, hardly able to walk, arthritis and cancer, and holding him, trying to make him know all was ok while they pumped him full of a drug that would make him stare in to my eyes forever. Or so it feels.
Work, the fuck up, fun/laugh/hate/grind your teeth/scream place that it is. Giving up trying to be nice and unleashing my own little shit storm on that little world. The consequences, the words, the.....fuck it, just everything. Made some enemies, made some friends (Not) but shit gets done. Thats all that counts.
Aiden has made such an impact on my life. Not about time, or sleep or routine. Just his being here. So much to think about and to plan. And to wonder about. He's sleeping over tonight, and like every other late shift day, Im missing him. I hope one day he knows how much I love him.
Friends/family, are pissing me off. Its a general kind of piss off. You talk and talk, and ask and ask, and theres just silence. No reply. Until, you can fill a gap for them. Then suddenly theres lots of chatter. Fuck that. Tired of baby sitting what I perceive to be others feelings. When you need me, I'll be here, but then dont expect me to drop where I'm at for you, emotionally.
Other than that, I'm just peachy.
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