Thinking.
Just thinking.
All these thoughts, all these....feelings that have to add up. Like an auditors journal. There must be an equals sign. For all of it. And I pull against those chains, I rage against those fabricated walls. I tear and scratch and cry. And ultimately, only for me. To understand. To make some sort of sense of it all.
After all these years, and the ppl I've seen....the pills I gave up, theres still a lot of anger. A lot, is an under statement. I could never believe in those pills. Numbing, opening up a mind to a whitewash of 'its all going to be ok............just carry on taking the pills and listen to my voice'. Bullshit.
Ive said a thousand times, and not the last time I will ever say it: Theres a rage inside of me. Its bigger than anything in my life. I did learn to control it, I did defeat it. But I didnt get rid of it. It's still there. I was the fool to believe it was ever really gone. Just dormant, just waiting, that was its game.
I'm just tired. And I'm tired of being tired. Not physically tired - although that I am -, emotionally tired. Im tired of trying to explain. Im tired of not being understood. Im tired of what I see, being labelled as the miscreant thought, the bad things that people dont want to see. Im tired of just trying, as hard as I can, for as much as Im worth, and being told 'No sorry that doesnt fit in. YOU dont understand'. I understand well enough, and more so it every day it gets engraved a bit more in to me. I do understand, but I shouldnt.
I should rather bend a knee......bend down........let it wash over me. Other peoples truths, other peoples lives and beliefs just, take me away from here. Let it all wash over me and be happy to say "yes" no matter what the cost. And as much as I want that peace, there is no way that can happen. there is no way that small fire inside me will ever go out. Will ever just die or vanish. I curse the days when I was taught about what was right or wrong. These days it would of been better to know when to let go or when to push the line and take a chance. Right or wrong doesnt exist, only what matters to you.
