I love being drunk, and i hate being drunk. Both offer different value's in life. Right now. Im going to go with a ......love/hate. Just one aspect. And i cant explain it. I love it because it is so unique, so different. I hate it because it threatens everything I am. I love it because it makes me feel. I hate it because it will hurt everyone around it.

Days like these i just wonder why life is so complex. So full of decisions, and after effects that arent explained. Like taking out a contract with any person or entity.....that doesnt have an office. Its never really black and white. Its always shades of grey. Maybe, its the age old saying of The heart vs the brain. Maybe im not seeing anything new here, only what every other person on earth has seen at one point or another.

But the heart makes it so hard. Its hard to ignore feelings, for me. Its hard to see pain, and just walk away. Just wash my hand of it. hell, Im not claiming innocence here. I have my own pain and feelings to deal with. But thats just it, I have learned to deal with it. Last year, I went through a phase. Its not a secret, i did. I could write pages about the anxiety, the sadness, the anger that was there. if anyone put their mind to it, so could they. but this isnt about anyone else, its about me. Im not taking away or lessening what anyone feels by what I write. Thats not my place, or right, or ....thats so beyond any power i have. Its about me. Its about how I feel. it is in a way, selfish. Right now, im loving with all I have. I feel again.

Its so good to feel. too have that numbness gone. to have that anger gone. It hurts so much to feel.

I wrote this a while back, but never published it, probably should of put that in when I published this the other day, hahaha.