Friday

 Like any other Friday, Im glad its Friday. And like any late shift Friday, you have to wait till 6PM to vanish. And you walk out that door, and you smile, and take a deep breath, freedom, at last.

That normally last's about 30 minutes or so, or at least, on the drive home. And then you get home. All the solo party plans and adventures, melt away. Its just an empty, dirty flat. Dirty, sure that's on me, and I never used to be this way. And I look at it and go 'meh, tomorrow'. Sometimes not even tomorrow, I go 'meh, whenever" which is kind of open ended.

I dont know what happened today, what made me see things this way. It does happen, and this is when I need the leather belt, something to bite down on, something tangible to hold on to, even if its with my teeth. That anger is still there, and God alone knows I'm tired of it now. I'm just tired. Of all the mind games and bollocks. And I think maybe, I've learned something about acceptance, but not in this conversation. I ranted about not getting a Happy B-Day from Aiden, and L (that's a different topic) but Maybe finally, I've learned to......let go...not care? Just, let it go. 

Thats a load of horse manure, but anyway. Ok not entirely? And thats why I write, to try make sense of all this. I'm the first to raise a hand and say 'Yeah shits not going down well here' and in the same breath I'm the same one who doesnt say anything at all. I'm my own hot mess, and I have to deal with it. Me alone.