May, be losing my shit.

 I am starting to wonder if Im losing my shit here. Im finding it hard to focus on anything. Im treating L, and A differently. Like Im going in to some sort of hibernation, emotionally. While with L, Im not really bothered, its different with A. He is innocent in all this. But I am finding it hard to, I dont know, relate? To feel close to him? And it does worry me. My only goal is to get out of here. I dont feel comfortable here any more. I feel like the poor bird I sit next to every day. Caged in a place Im not wanted, yet unable to leave. And very realistically, unable to leave. With L having tied up the house money till the end of May, I am literally on a shoestring budget. I dont know how I am meant to afford a move in the middle of this. I dont know how I am meant to keep the lights on, in the middle of all this. I dont know how, I am meant to put food on the table, in the middle of all this.

There are bouts of intense fighting in my head. Venting, raging, shouting, and nothing happens on the outside. It all stays in. And then theres bouts of calm, and reasonable. But the bouts of anger, are by far starting to beat down on the moments of calm and reasonable. Every time she comes near me my neck hairs stand on end now. And I remember what she has done to me. What she did to our family. Everyday she proves again with some action, that her words are utter nonsense and that I have no reason to trust her. A day out for a birthday, not the effort of one photo of how much fun Aiden had. Oh I heard all about it, how wonderful it was and how and what a little man he was, but not one photo. She is cutting me out of his life entirely. And she doesnt even see it. I am waiting for the phone calls to become less for whatever reason she thinks of. And for when the monthly visits become harder to arrange because they are just not convenient for her. Because I am also just a remonder of how badly she treated someone else, for her own selfish wants.