Just Random

 I did like the kiss today

on my cheek

well my ear, but thats irrelevant.

Im just going to carry on. It meant nothing after all.

Just a moment you're feeling right now

Something you had to get out of your system.

Yep, I'm a mess. Its official. No point trying to hide it, or lying to myself. I'm drinking, nay, sucking down whiskey. Daily. I'm smoking, puffing like a chimney. I don't get out, I hardly move, everything is done here from the confines of this flat, on the laptop. I don't even write. Cooking feels like more of a chore than I remember. I don't enjoy it as much anymore. I failed my exam on Friday, and its been a whiskey fest since then. Time to look in the mirror, the rear view mirror, and realize this bus doesn't have a driver right now. 

I don't know what to feel. I don't know how I'm meant to deal with this. Yes, I've come up with a story that seems to make most people comfortable that "I'm okay". But I don't feel okay, I've never felt more far away from okay than I do right now. I also like to pretend that all is fine, have to try, don't I? But then, some things, out of nowhere, twang a nerve and I find myself just wanting to be on my own. Alone, far away from people. 

I know I come here to write, and it's mostly not positive. I know the therapist said I should stay away from this. It's here I break myself down, and that's a truth, but its here I feel most comfortable breaking down.