April's Fool

New month. New struggles, challenges, surprises and good things as well. Told L that I am going to get a lawyer, as we are obviously both on different pages as to what is expected, what is going on, and the general fairness of the whole situation.

Fuck New definition to the words 'Long Weekend'. L is just plodding along as if all is normal and fine, and man I struggle with that when I really want to do is shout at her. But I cant, for the sake of Aiden. But fuck man, it's hard to just sit here and say nothing. And it's like, I can see the cracks. I don't know how she is going to cope with A on her own, and a house hey. I look at how she operates here, and Im just not sure. And I worry about Aiden, and how he is going to be raised. The lies as well. I have been pushed to the limit of not believing a single word that comes out of her mouth any more. I physically have to reality check myself to make sure I'm not over thinking, or over analysing or just seeing things wrong here. 

Im seeing a different angle to this. A lot of our disagreements these days, are over the raising of Aiden. Yes, I am more strict than L. Time and again proven by herself how she can not say no to anything, and that there are threats, but no actual consequences to his actions, and it worries me. I will put him in time out, and I will raise my voice at him when he misbehaves. Part of this divorce, is not having to deal with me when I 'shout' at Aiden. Because apparently that's all I do. It's also free rein to do as she pleases, when it comes to buying him horrific amount of toys and just utter crap because he says so. There is no boundary with L, when it comes to A. 

Its a fucking rollercoaster. Not the fun kind either. The one where the seat belts not secure, fits properly, and the ride hasn't been maintained in years. What's meant to be an adrenalin ride that that gives you a rush, turns into a rush that very could be your last loop de loop. Genuine sigh of relief when you make it until you see the 500 meters of upside down twirl ahead. That's where I'm at. Its ups and downs, calm moments inside and out, and moments of pure anger and poison. That night was Wed the 7th of April. We tore each other down. In the most insensitive, raw, hate filled way. Things were said, curses were thrown and voices raised. But its over now, and there's a deeper meaning to that one sentence. Doors that have closed for good. Sealed by the heat of that discussion. Its going to take time to make peace with all of this. There is no quick fix. I start thinking of this and that anger boils. But baby steps, I'm starting to see past it. The injustice of this, the confusion, the hurt. And there is probably chapters that could be written on it, but right now its just survival. Its just getting through this, day by day and making sure I make it to the finishing line in one piece. I'm tired on so many levels. And I think I may need to conserve my energy for the future. 

Im finding it hard this morning again. Watching how A is allowed to behave, and no repercussions. I have to pick my words carefully here. One of L's 'reasons' for this whole mess, is I only ever shout at Aiden, not true, yet there it is. I am seeing him turn in to a brat. I have taken a few steps back, because I dont want to spend the last of my time with him being the disciplinary father who 'just shouts'. And he runs amok. He does what he wants, when he wants, and tantrums if he doesn't get his way. And that, makes me sad. He is just a kid, and needs to be taught how to behave, and act. It's not a matter of just letting him do what he wants, when he wants, and thinking oh he's just a kid. Or is that just me? There are few boundaries with this child. I have watched how for 4 years everyone just jumps when he snaps his fingers. How there are hardly any 'No's' and those that there are, are quickly ignored and reverted to 'yes'. He hits the dog, I kick the dog out. He cries, L lets the dog in. No consequences for his actions. What does he learn from that interaction? When I say no, it normally doesn't last. And when it does, then I'm the bad guy. I just don't get how it works. What am i meant to do?So now, I'm standing back. Hit the dog, throw things at mommy and me, I just walk away. And again, then Im in the wrong. Where is the right spot then? I feel bad because ultimately it is Aiden who is suffering all this. Sure, L and I are up each others nostrils, but it feels like some of the important foundations are now being ignored because our divorce is overshadowing whats actually important: Aiden.

Well, here we are. Definitely in this game now. Lawyers. And a whole different story to to be told there. Just get the feeling that this is where the cloak and dagger really starts.

As usual, I'm just tired. Been smoking and drinking way too much, but right not cant think of giving that up with all thats going on, sorry. I know it's bad, I know how this all goes, but right now, I'm just not seeing it. My mind wont shut down to the betrayal I feel, by L. I know this is going to take time, and I'm doing my best to be 'amicable', or polite, but I'm finding it harder and harder to maintain composure. I think L is starting to see who I can be to people when they are on the other side of the fence. She only ever saw the me that cared for her, and went out of my way for her. Donald who lived with the lies, and just carried on. Donald who let you do as you pleased in every situation, because he was trying to keep you happy. And in the background, how happy was I really? Let's be honest. Let's take off the mask and be honest with ourselves. You haven't been happy for a while, have you? No, but I plastered it over, with Aiden, and being content. I had my moments with L, the buying of toys, the decisions being made with out my input. Maybe, Ive actually seen this coming for a while, and have been throwing up red flags for a while now. Who I was throwing them up for, L or myself, I don't know. There is so much I want to write about today, but I'm tired, as I have already said. I feel like I've just been thrown to the curb. Its like, L has no deeper emotional connection to anything. I look at how she is treating the people around her, and I see a level of emotional hollowness. Mom and Aiden are the only things that matter. Literally nothing else matters. The dogs, the cats, if it cant come with, oh well, just get rid of it. The worst, Khalua and Dobie, destined for the vet for euthanasia. Oh well, they old anyway, just put them down. In my mind, thats just cold. Yet, if I look at how she is treating our marriage, it all makes perfect sense. As long as its convenient, it can stay. But if it takes a bit of work, ag just end it. All these years she has never been committed to us, only ever herself and her wants and needs. And because I am a sucker that was worried about her happiness, I gave in, gave up with fights and let her get her way. Fucking idiot. She said it in one of our fights, to my face "you were spineless". That bothers me. The connection between giving up how I felt to make her happy, being seen as spineless. But these people dont take accountability for their actions. Not once, ever. A half thrown out 'ok I'm sorry' was pretty much the height of any actual apology I have ever gotten. It hurts to still want to share, and have to actively stop myself.