There is no title for this

I sometimes feel like that. A hole. Things fall into holes. My mother once fell in to a hole while she was showing us where she spent her youth. I was young. It didnt take long, but we found her. Brings a smile to my face remembering that adventure. But a hole. A simple hole. Unseen, unmasked, just there, waiting.  I feel like a hole, its been a while since I, quite got to this place. I dont know if I like it. I used to hate myself so regularly it became a norm, it was where I knew the ground, knew the path and thats what I walked.

I spent some time trying to get off that path, to see some light and hope and all the things that I've been told I've been missing. But now? Its all anger. Not at the world, not work, at nothing external. Have I really learned nothing? Am I really here again? Is it really a full circle I've just traveled?

I dont know. There's anger, yes. But also, just dead calm. I dont know what comes first, the dead, or the calm. Its watching the present with untouched popcorn because you know something coming, is that the dead?And when it does, and expecting, accepting it all, letting it wash away everything you know or thought you believed in, is that the calm?

I dont know.

This has never been a good time of year for me. I love my inlaws, we get along well enough, but there is no family. There is only a distant and polite, "Hello, Merry Christmas". I dont know what to do with that. On some level it feels almost like rather dont say anything at all than trying to make up and saying that with a weak and feeble voice. Just dont say it. Just, dont.