Just thinking. So much twirling around in here. So much happiness so much sadness...... Just, so much that happens in such a short time it knocks the breath out of you. And the next thing you know, you're standing on the edge, just standing there.
Its whiskey night. I decided its time for it cause well, I want it to be. Im going to be a father. Its a strange thing to say. And I'm also not the first one to say it. Again, sometimes the a situation has no gravity until you are in it.
......That was a few days ago. I tried to write, something, anything, but I just didnt have it in me. Its been so hard to not say anything, to not make any contact. Its all so confusing right now. There is just so much to try take it and make sense of. There are so many thoughts of baby, the coming bundle of proverbial joy (although already I'm tired of people and advice) and then so many thoughts of life, of where i was and what was happening. Do I feel bad, good? I feel bad, but i felt so good inside for a while. Bad now because of how it all ended, good because of how it made me feel. Was it all just a dream? A moment? I dont know.
I guess thats it. I just dont know. It feels like the eye of the tornado is over me now. Its all calm, I can see the destruction (and eventual rebirth) all around me, and I accept it. Its all calm now before those lines move and I find myself in the middle of the storm again. Its hard not having that person there to talk too. Just talk. That talking made so much difference between being blown away and managing to keep that last final grasp on what I thought was firm ground.
Its late here, and there is still so much here in this wine mind tonight. Its time to drift off to a dream land of firmer yet more unstable grounds.
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