A whole new 40you

42 has not been kind so far. Actually, I've fucking hated it. If this is the prelude to year 42, then take it back I'm not interested.

A happy birthday in the car from wife, lucky I got that as she was driving with me that day otherwise it would of been a whatsapp. A strange declaration that "I dont cook" which caught me by my balls, cause Ive tasted her cooking and its not bad, but yet she has remained true to her word. Every soul at work somehow only knowing my number, and when I say I cant help cause I'm busy then its 'thats ok I'll wait'. People, everywhere, asserting their wills, having their expectations, wanting. And me saying yes. Theres some part of me, bred or being, but its always partly my responsibility. Always. And thats not other people, thats me. How can I help, how can I contribute, how can I make it better. Fucking fool.

So simple, fucking fool. To try make it easier all around, to try help. To try be there and listen and understand and feel. And then feel again because its always putting others first, always accepting part of that blame. Im not angry, thats the strange part. Well, for me at least. This always comes from a very dark place for me, but not tonight. Tonight is just insight. Its pulling away all the veils and bullshit, and just looking at it. Ive not been in a good space this month, but I carry on. We all have to just carry on I guess. But I'm so tired of it.

Tonight, one message. Yep, its probably me, being over sensitive, I mean its always me, there is no one else in the world who could possibly be wrong. "Quickie vir jou birthday?". That was the message, and it ignited such a very short fuse in me. Quickie.......for....your......birthday. No sex for almost a year. An incident, a conversation about sex, masturbation. The comment about how I'm not romantic enough. The total withdraw - and hence wait- for any intimate encounter........ and then tonight......quickie for your birthday. Yes pls, do me a favor pls. Give an old dog a "bone" here. I mean, its the day after my birthday, that dirty old bastard probably needs it, and hey, I'll just lie here and wait for him to do his thing. A quickie.....for your....birthday. Happiest Birthday message I've ever gotten. Not.

I'm done with caring. I'm just done with feeling anything right now. Numb. Ive used that word so many times, and yet, life shows you the depths of what you sometimes just say. I really, truly, just don't care right now.

Oh but wait, thats my fault as well.